[Naturefreak]

They say it is good to be around people and to socialize as much as possible. I feel worse when I'm in amongst a group of people than
when I'm all alone . I see them laughing and carrying on , enjoying
themselves as I stand alone feeling miserable that I can't be that
way , the way that I used to be . Is it because I'm jealous or
is my depression to blame . I WANT to be happy. I WANT to
socialize , but I don't want to have the feeling of hit me with
a brick over the head and get it over with. When I don't see
people , I don't get these feelings as bad . But when I'm face to
face with it , it's torture . So how do I win , when what I want to
do , makes me feel worse for doing it . I don't know if anyone
else here has experienced these feelings , but I'm sure I'm not
the only one . Someone will say something funny , and I'll smile
and think to myself "f**cking hilarious " whoopdee do .
What has happened to me ? This is NOT me ? How do I FIND me?
I'm NOT invisible , people do see me , but what do THEY see?
The only thing GOOD about this , is I know I'm not alone .
There are lots of people who suffer from depression.
How is that GOOD? That is BAD in my opinion . No one should
have to go through this everyday torture of just wanting to
get off this planet . Enough of my selfish ranting for today ,
but I needed a release , and you are the unfortunate ones that
get to read it PLEASE HELP

[notz]

I'm glad to read anything from you. You lift my spirits more than you know.

And, I can relate to what you say.

[idontknow13]

((((((Babysteps))))
I can relate to everything you wrote, I hope you feel better soon.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Babysteps

I feel worse when I'm in amongst a group of people than
when I'm all alone.

Babysteps!

My answers are few and my questions many. Where's your “tipping point” - how many people does it take to push you over the edge into acute discomfort? Just one other person? Two? Five? Does the size of the physical space where you find yourself with other people matter? (For me, depending on the space, noise, and general situation, I can handle 2-3 OK, 5 is definitely iffy, >7 I'm probably excusing myself.... But I can tolerate dogs far more than people.)

[kebsfroggy]

I understand your problem. I've been there myself. I chose to isolate myself. (I have big memory problems so that influenced my decision.)

Actually I'm perfectly happy to be by myself. Well sort of...
I don't remember my friends
I don't remember my life
I don't remember world news

However, I finally realized I was missing out on what was going on in the world.

I have celebrated my "over the hill" birthday so many times I'm losing count. There are at least two generations younger than I am. So there is a lot to learn. What music do they listen to, how do you use a telephone to send text messages, 72" TV screens. Just a lot and I wasn't keeping up. I wasn't unhappy but I felt like I was missing out.

Maybe if you try either smaller social contact or maybe extra large social gatherings (like a rock concert) where no one knows anybody and can't expect any communication. You can't even here yourself think at a rock concert.

((( Babysteps )))



kebs

[*freak*]

No, you definitely aren't the only one, I feel the same way around people
Sorry, no advice... but I'm sending you some hugs

[depressedalaskan]

Originally Posted by Babysteps09

They say it is good to be around people and to socialize as much as possible. I feel worse when I'm in amongst a group of people than
when I'm all alone . I see them laughing and carrying on , enjoying
themselves as I stand alone feeling miserable that I can't be that
way , the way that I used to be . Is it because I'm jealous or
is my depression to blame . I WANT to be happy. I WANT to
socialize , but I don't want to have the feeling of hit me with
a brick over the head and get it over with. When I don't see
people , I don't get these feelings as bad . But when I'm face to
face with it , it's torture . So how do I win , when what I want to
do , makes me feel worse for doing it . I don't know if anyone
else here has experienced these feelings , but I'm sure I'm not
the only one . Someone will say something funny , and I'll smile
and think to myself "f**cking hilarious " whoopdee do .
What has happened to me ? This is NOT me ? How do I FIND me?
I'm NOT invisible , people do see me , but what do THEY see?
The only thing GOOD about this , is I know I'm not alone .
There are lots of people who suffer from depression.
How is that GOOD? That is BAD in my opinion . No one should
have to go through this everyday torture of just wanting to
get off this planet . Enough of my selfish ranting for today ,
but I needed a release , and you are the unfortunate ones that
get to read it PLEASE HELP

I don't have the answer either, but I did talk about this with my psychiatrist today and she thinks that Abilify will help me with this kind of anxiety. Good luck ((((babysteps09)))). Hugs for your day.

[Naturefreak]

Originally Posted by Rohag

how many people does it take to push you over the edge into acute discomfort? Just one other person? Two? Five? Does the size of the physical space where you find yourself with other people matter? (For me, depending on the space, noise, and general situation, I can handle 2-3 OK, 5 is definitely iffy, >7 I'm probably excusing myself.... But I can tolerate dogs far more than people.)

Rohag I guess to answer your question it can be any number
bigger than ONE. For an example , happy couples make me depressed , for I am single . I'm not saying that being with someone
will make me happier , I don't know that . Just makes me wonder
how it must feel . I don't like being inside of a building with crowds,
and a crowd can be FIVE if its an elevator . Thank God for stairs.
The thing is , I never was like this before I got depression and anxiety . So I am blaming it on that . I can't blame myself ,
I would begin to develop a complex . Put me in a room with 100
dogs or 100 cats and I would probably feel more comfortable.
I'm NOT saying I dislike people . I'm saying I dislike the feeling
of missing out on what most of us want ----HAPPINESS

[Naturefreak]

Originally Posted by kebsfroggy

I have celebrated my "over the hill" birthday so many times I'm losing count.
kebs

Kebs froggy of little brain , which I think is so far from the
truth it ain't funny . You may think you're over the hill , but I think
you're about half way up it . And 72" T.V. screens are over-rated.
But I am glad we have computers , for without them , how would I
have ever met all you guys .

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Babysteps09

...I am glad we have computers , for without them , how would I have ever met all you guys .

Amen to that!

[bera]

I feel the same way. Here are some hugs

[Fuzzybear]

babysteps

[keepinghopeful]

(((((Babysteps09)))))

[ScaredSad]

I'm with you guys. I went to a Junior League event last week and I'm wondering if that's not why I'm falling apart now. For any of you who don't live near a League, it's a women's organization who get together for volunteerism/social activities. Don't ask me why I joined... it's one of those "looks good on paper" things I tend to do that is the opposite of how I feel on the inside.

The event was held at the home of a member. Did I say home? I meant mansion. Everyone was so beautifully dressed with perfectly fixed hair and makeup. They drove expensive luxury SUV's and had perfect thousand dollar smiles and skin. Some were pregnant, all were coupled. They talked about jobs and new homes. They were kind, caring, and made me feel welcome BUT...

I knew that I drove the car with the upside down loan, missing hubcaps, and $3000 total value that was parked at the bottom of the long drive because the SVU's took up all of the other space. I knew that I was the one with the peeling skin b/c my face was allergic to the dollar store face wash I used that morning. I was the one with the hair in a knot because I've only been able to afford one haircut since 2005 and that was over 18 mths ago. I was the one with no job, no relationships, living at home with the people who abused me in a literally rotting mobile home.

They were normal and kind and did nothing that should have upset me but I left there with butterflies in my tummy that multipled over the last week until I'm nearly, completely at rock bottom right now over analyzing every stupid mistake I've ever made and trying to figure out why this is my life. For me, being around people only shines a light on all of the things about my life that I feel powerless to change. Then, I get more upset because I know that I'm not supposed to feel that way. It's just a bad cycle.

Hugs sent to all of you who share that feeling. Sorry for hijacking the thread, typing helps sometimes.

[Naturefreak]

Originally Posted by ScaredSad

Sorry for hijacking the thread, typing helps sometimes.

You have nothing to be sorry for that's what it's here for .
Thanks for your input and I'm sorry to hear about your
troubles . Hugs to you also ((ScaredSad))

[RubyRedd]

Originally Posted by Babysteps09

They say it is good to be around people and to socialize as much as possible. I feel worse when I'm in amongst a group of people than
when I'm all alone . I see them laughing and carrying on , enjoying
themselves as I stand alone feeling miserable that I can't be that
way , the way that I used to be . Is it because I'm jealous or
is my depression to blame . I WANT to be happy. I WANT to
socialize , but I don't want to have the feeling of hit me with
a brick over the head and get it over with. When I don't see
people , I don't get these feelings as bad . But when I'm face to
face with it , it's torture . So how do I win , when what I want to
do , makes me feel worse for doing it . I don't know if anyone
else here has experienced these feelings , but I'm sure I'm not
the only one . Someone will say something funny , and I'll smile
and think to myself "f**cking hilarious " whoopdee do .
What has happened to me ? This is NOT me ? How do I FIND me?
I'm NOT invisible , people do see me , but what do THEY see?
The only thing GOOD about this , is I know I'm not alone .
There are lots of people who suffer from depression.
How is that GOOD? That is BAD in my opinion . No one should
have to go through this everyday torture of just wanting to
get off this planet . Enough of my selfish ranting for today ,
but I needed a release , and you are the unfortunate ones that
get to read it PLEASE HELP

i'm having a really hard time with the same thing.i'm divorced now but my friends were his friends too. so when i see my friends they ask about 'him' and i lose it. he was the one who found a new girlfriend and i was the one who ended up with zilch. my doc and counslr tell me to get out and make new friends..... i was married for 16 yrs..... how does a 30 something make new friends without going to a bar or church????? i get so mad at the world for doing this to me and at the same time i'm mad because i let it happen. this is my 'effort' to make new friends... at least to kvetch....with someone who shares the same pain....from an invisible disease.

[susan888]

((((Chris))))

I can so understand how you feel..A natural introvert...but have been known to leave a full grocery cart at the store when I feel like everyone is looking at me and knowing that I am not like them. I look around at the people I work with and my neighbors and none of them are like me....they seek people out...my family is not like me either (H and daughter).

Sorry I don't have answers Chris, but know that you are not alone...

[Naturefreak]

Thanks everyone for your advice and support

I think I may have found a solution to my problem.

[Peppermint_Patty]

Hi Babysteps

Originally Posted by Babysteps09

They say it is good to be around people and to socialize as much as possible. I feel worse when I'm in amongst a group of people than
when I'm all alone . I see them laughing and carrying on , enjoying
themselves as I stand alone feeling miserable that I can't be that
way , the way that I used to be . Is it because I'm jealous or
is my depression to blame . I WANT to be happy. I WANT to
socialize , but I don't want to have the feeling of hit me with
a brick over the head and get it over with. When I don't see
people , I don't get these feelings as bad . But when I'm face to
face with it , it's torture . So how do I win , when what I want to
do , makes me feel worse for doing it . I don't know if anyone
else here has experienced these feelings , but I'm sure I'm not
the only one . Someone will say something funny , and I'll smile
and think to myself "f**cking hilarious " whoopdee do .
What has happened to me ? This is NOT me ? How do I FIND me?
I'm NOT invisible , people do see me , but what do THEY see?
The only thing GOOD about this , is I know I'm not alone .
There are lots of people who suffer from depression.
How is that GOOD? That is BAD in my opinion . No one should
have to go through this everyday torture of just wanting to
get off this planet . Enough of my selfish ranting for today ,
but I needed a release , and you are the unfortunate ones that
get to read it PLEASE HELP

Perhaps it's not so much depression... as the fact that you've just become more introverted as you've gotten older. If that is the case, than don't beat yourself up about it.

For example in my own life... partying among a big crowd was fun in my 20's and 30's but it is of absolutely no interest to me now.

Now that I am older, I prefer good in-depth intellectual conversation with one or two other people at most. Any group larger than 2 people is an uncomfortable experience for me and I would rather be alone. The only time I like bigger groups is if it's my family.

Peppermint

[depressedalaskan]

Originally Posted by Babysteps09

Thanks everyone for your advice and support

I think I may have found a solution to my problem.

How did you get a picture of my house..

[Naturefreak]

Originally Posted by depressedalaskan

How did you get a picture of my house..

[Tumnus]

That house was truly my dream house for part of high school and college. Awesome!

[lonelyperson92]

Hope that you could read another post from a new member,

I feel it too, it's the feeling that you know you won't fit in with them and those people would look at you like:" do I know you?" or "he/she is strange..." or even "what a weirdo..." But in the same time you are desperate to talk to someone, at least someone that understands you.

What I did was to select carefully my listener. I'm a nerdy and geeky type so those who are the same are my first choice. I tend to approach them individually so they would be concerned with ME rather than other people. Then I try to show my best interest in my favorite topics, making the conversation interesting.

I do hope that helps

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Babysteps09

They say it is good to be around people and to socialize as much as possible.

They say? Who are they -- and more important, how would they know what's good for you?

I feel worse when I'm in amongst a group of people than when I'm all alone. I see them laughing and carrying on, enjoying themselves as I stand alone feeling miserable that I can't be that way, the way that I used to be. Is it because I'm jealous or is my depression to blame.

It sounds to me as if you're currently working on something that they're not; you're choosing to keep working on it even though you're not sure you're supposed to; you're not sure how much they'd be ready to support you if they knew more; and you don't want to be distracted from what you need to do by whatever people around you may be doing. Depression may be, not something to clear out of your way so that you can go back to doing whatever you used to enjoy, but a reminder of sorts that it's time to move on to whatever's up next for you.

I keep noticing you around PC and I think of you as a fun person, devoted to your friends and very supportive. What you've been doing here so far seems to be a great way for you to have expressed yourself. You may now be moving into working on different issues so that that's no longer quite where it's at for you. In any case, comparing yourself now to how you used to be is mostly a recipe for staying stuck instead of going forward with what you need to do. I recommend being who you are from moment to moment, even if you have to pause, look around for a while, take a few, well, baby steps and see how that feels, before you're sure where you really want to go next. You're not going to lose any of your many talents, even though you may need to set some of them aside for a bit while you're busy discovering new ones.



-----------------------------------
The only way out is through.

[susan888]

Chris..I think there may be some truth that maybe as we get older we become more introverted. I am very selective about the people that I will allow into my "personal space". I haven't really figured out if that is depression (isolation) or my real personal preferance.. I am an avid reader and probably go through 2 or 3 books a week. That is a solitary pursuit, but it gives me great comfort.

I have to work every day, but that involves putting on my "professional, have it all together" mask...

Love my family, but i simply have to have my alone time...as I said I think I am a natural introvert surrounded by a bunch of extroverts that just don't get me.

For me..(sorry if this is rambling) I live so much of my life in "my head". I am by nature a "quite" person..don't talk a lot. (LOL..type alot though) But when I do make a joke....geez...everyone cracks up!! I can't belive Susan said that!! I do have my moments.

Don't beat yourself up for looking around at the ones that are comfortable in the crowd (even seek out the crowd), because we are just not all like that. You are a good man and you have a wonderful sense of humor and a wonderful sensitivity to other people's feelings...That is simply priceless!!

Just my thoughts....