[bonderella]

hello and thankyou for reading
I am depressed and feel the guilt loaded on me by my irrational thinking and how i think others must think of me.
I am in a job where i have to put on an act of being happy at all times and it is really hard to do this right now.
All i want is to be left alone and to have a break,not work, i take random days off but then have to work as i know i cant get away with it for much longer.
I cant just stop working as i have 2 houses to pay for and teenagers to look after on my own.one house is rented as i couldnt sell it.the pressure from having to be a landlord is awful.
cant face tidying up my house,or sorting out my bills,garden.
Just sit on my days off feeling the release of work till i have to go back.
I sit wishing i could be healthy,i am overweight,no excercise,smoke,addicted to pain killers,just been put on medication for high blood pressure,had my depression tablets upped,im on venlafaxine 75 and i am to go up to 150 in two weeks.
on antibiotics for reccuring dental pain,have to have teeth out and root
canal on thursday and i am petrified of dentists,have had on going pain since march and dont trust that the dentist will be able to do it without complications.have had terrible time 2 years ago with the dentist.
At work my boss is pretending to be supportive but i know that he is thinking that if i am off then i aint making money for the salon and so the pressure to keep working is awful.
I believe there are people who have a lucky and up beat passionate live,but i am tarred with a brush that makes me have to scrimp and work and have no reward as that is all my life has been for years.
All in all life is crap!!
Keep thinking about the positive times but there arent any.
I fantasise about living a life where i am energised, passionate,healthy,fullfilled,and want to be in the rat race but then i remember i have never been good enough to experience it like that.
thanks for listening

[lhmt]

I used to be a landlord for a relative for about an year. I hated it especially when I got stuck in the middle as the tenants I found didn't pay and I had to get the money out of my not so large pocket. I was so glad when I managed to get rid of the responsability and pass it on to someone else.
You said: "I fantasise about living a life where i am energised, passionate,healthy,fullfilled,and want to be in the rat race but then i remember i have never been good enough to experience it like that."
A very amazing person said this to me the first day we met even though she didn't know me at all: you should realize that you are amazing and important and wonderful simply just because you exist. (well she was a therapist and it's their job to help people, but those words moved since I didn't think of me like that at all). So I am here to tell you that you are good enough. And you know what I am sure you are even better that you could fantasize. You deserve happiness, love, energy, passion and whatever you desire. The fact that you have a hard time coping with stuff doesn't make you not worthy or not good enough. Maybe you are even stronger than other people that don't have to go trough life with these kind of issues.
I am sure you have done some amazing stuff in your life so far. Like going to the dentist even if you are petrified of doing so(not everybody can face their fears). I know "normal" people that have one fear and refuse to face it their whole lives.
And I bet that coming here and spilling your heart out took courage too. I am sure you have also other stuff to continue this list. So give yourself credit for every single one, cause if you don't who will?

[JudeeB]

Just wanted to let you know you were heard and that I care.

I spent decades believing I wasn't good enough, that I was damaged beyond repair and unlovable. I was a functional depressive all my adult life. What I have finally discovered is that everything I believed about myself was a lie. None of it was true. Oh, I truly felt it was true and I could use examples in my life as proof I was right, but in my search for the truth I found out I was wrong. So much of my misery came from what I believed.

Also discovered that what I thought about other people and God was a huge bunch of lies too!

I hope you are on a journey to discover the truth about yourself and won't settle for the things you figured out when you were too young to have wisdom about any of it. It's taken me over 20 years but it was well worth the effort.

A better, happier life is possible not a fantasy.

a hug if you want it,
Judy

[Rohag]

Hi, Bonderella! When I read your post I get the feeling something is going to give way, and when it does, the result will be short-term turmoil but longer-term relief. This may seem counterintuitive, but you may need a failure to make a door for success.

That's just an immediate personal impression, not advice.

Best wishes with the dentist (be sure to let them know what meds you're taking before the procedure)! Ah...make that best wishes with everything that's going on - may you find peace with yourself and have fun reaching that peace!

[depressedalaskan]

((((bonderella))))

[Berries]

(((((((((bonderella)))))))))



i hear your pain and i wish you strength. please keep posting. you can find a lot of support and compassion here.
please hang on, things always change.