[Christina86]

OR I'm going crazy.
OR I'm stressing myself out.
OR I'm just very anxious.
OR there's too much happening in my life right now, most of it not so good.
OR maybe I'm overreacting.

All I know is this. I had the first meeting of a psychotherapy group this morning. Which hurt me a lot inside and left me in a "knot". I didn't say much the whole meeting (completely unlike me). I couldn't stay focused or centered.

And I've spent the rest of the day either sleeping (yes, I slept at my university, and missed my afternoon class) or being a space cadet, or getting absolutely ticked off at stupidly random things.

It's not PMS. I know that much.
I HAVE been taking my Effexor regularly, so this is not a "missed dose" effect.

But I feel like I'm losing my mind again. Or my sanity. Although apparently if you think you're crazy you're not - only the truly crazy one thinks they're sane. (Random I know)

I may be dealing with undiagnosed ADD on top of it. Or else my learning disability is making me exceptionally random and space cadet like.

I'm not angry. I dont think I am... maybe I am. I dont know.
I'm not really sad either. I havent cried in a while now (maybe a few days?)

I hate situational depression. That's what the psychiatrist says I have. He doesnt think I'm overly anxious (except *I* think I am) and he doesn't think I have ADD (jury verdict still out on that).

I just really miss therapy. I miss beign able to talk about my problems instead of keeping them inside. I think I've officially driven people crazy. I miss having someone to talk to instead of everyone always wanting to talk to me.

I'm no better off than anyone else. I'm not any smarter than anyone else. Yeah, in November I'll have a psychology degree. Who the heck cares? I still cant help myself if my life depended on it (I think it IS important though). Im not a trained counsellor. I wish my IRL friends stopped acting like I knew everything.

I wish I had thicker skin. I wish peoples opinions of me didnt matter to me. I wish I could deal with my batshit crazy family (that's a technical term ). I wish I wasnt broke financially and I knew what the hell I was doing with the rest of my life.

I'm 23 years old. I feel lost. And alone. And my rational mind has taken a hiatus so you're all reading most of my emotional mind. Well, some of it. Maybe not. I cant really identify what I feel. I know I'm not doing okay.

I know I need therapy. I know I need antidepressants to function. I know life will get better. I know all of this...

But I still feel crappy. And it sucks. Big time. I also have a stupid headache and TMJ acting up again because of the stress I'm currently under. And I havent exactly kept on top of my schoolwork. Yeah, we're only a couple of weeks in though thankfully.

I just wish I knew how to fix all of this. I could be a billionaire by now if I knew the answer to completely get rid of depression.

... at least I still have some of my sense of humour.

I know Im writing a lot. I know I need to give myself a break and remind myself I am not superwoman. I am not high and mighty because of the jobs I do or the roles I play. I am just human, and broken and hurting and all that stuff...

Forgive me. I know I ramble a lot. Need not respond I just needed a vent.

[theotterone]

[VickiesPath]

(((((((((((((((( Christina )))))))))))))))))))

[lonegael]

((((((((((((CHRISTINA))))))))))) Aw, I hope you feel better soon. It sounds awefull Just don't overanalyse yourself, OK?

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((( Christina ))))))))))))))))))))

Sending you lots of hugs.

[Rohag]

We wait here hopefully and patiently as you ride this one out.

Peace to you, Christina.

[lindee]

Ramble on as much as you need.

[Berries]

(((((((((((Christina))))))))))))

what is keeping you from getting a therapist?

I'm real sorry you are so distressed and stressed out right now. I hope you feel better soon. Glad you were able to make a good vent. Vent away whenever!

[Naturefreak]

(((Christina)))
Wishing you all the best my friend . Take care of you .

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by Berries

what is keeping you from getting a therapist?

It's more like, what's keeping me from seeing my current therapist... I haven't been able to afford to go in a couple of months now. Even after she dropped her fees $20, I sincerely have absolutely no money. Not even credit right now. I'm flat broke. Hoping that student loan/bursary can cover it but still waiting to hear back about that.

Originally Posted by lonegael

((((((((((((CHRISTINA))))))))))) Aw, I hope you feel better soon. It sounds awefull Just don't overanalyse yourself, OK?

I'm awfully good at over-analyzing myself. I think that's why I drive myself crazy at times...

[Christina86]

Such a horrid day. I wanted to smack my friend for talking all class (she may have mild Aspergers and lacks some social cues/graces) because she likes to have the teacher call on her so she can talk.

And the class was already boring enough to begin with...

So then I was crabby about that. And it's a 3 hour lecture, on a Friday afternoon. WORST TIME EVER.

So then I accidentally ran over a friends foot. She then called me "heavy". I got mad. Then I couldn't control my wanting to be angry bit, so I took a walk (erm, wheel?) and wound up bursting into tears.

I don't know whats wrong with my head. But I spent the night with friends, only because they forced me to go. They paid for my food. But they drank alcohol, and it was at a bar. I stopped drinking over a year ago. Thus that made me more irritated. And now I feel stuffed with food, and thus feel sick. On top of the entire day headache.

Oh, on the upside I got a cheque from the government. On the downside, it goes immediately to paying credit card bills and other bills.

PHOOEY. I feel overworked, under-appreciated, overburdened, underpaid, overtired, and under extreme stress.

FML.

[billieJ]

Dear Christina,I have a BS in Psych and worked many years as a social worker. In TX you need a masters in Psych to be a psychologist. I know about depression and I, too, am on Effexor XR. I guess it's as good as anything. Group therapy can leave you speachless and in a knot if you have any social anxiety or don't like sharing with a group. Can you go back to individual T? School was highly anxiety-provoking to me. I got a job immediately after school, and it felt like a vacation, comparatively speaking. So, things will look up. What you say sounds a little like slipping, but really more like just a bad period, that will return to baseline, given medication compliance. Abnormal Psych is fascinating, don't you think. I have a book called Psychosis and Spirituality which visits the gating theory of hallucinations - the breakdown of perceptual filtering. Although I never got to work as a psychologist, I worked 25 years in State psych hospitals, where you get to see it all, essentially. Things should get better with time. If not, I am now disabled with time on my hands and plenty of it to listen. I love PC ~ billieJ

[billieJ]

Christina, I think I am responding to a different message of yours, but am not sure. I, too, have quit drinking, but it took it's toll in brain dysfunction. Medication did the rest. Anyway. Anger is good. It's depression pouring out of you instead of being held inside. Money from the government is good, even if it all goes to credit cards. At least the credit card payment is made. Not drinking is good but can sure make you irritated at the bar. Pay no attention to what people say when you run over them. It's their depression pouring out! And yes, your degree can help you. It may take awhile to see. PM me anytime. ~ your sister in depression ~ billieJ

[Christina86]

It's nice to know there are so many people here who can relate to some things in my life It probably IS just a bad period and not a full-blown depressive period, but I'd rather find a way to deal with it NOW before I wind up in that big icky pit of horribleness...

Sounds like an interesting book, I may have to check it out

Can't go back to individual T until I have money. May not have money until I'm no longer a university student... whenever that will be.

At least I will have my degree in psychology here in about two months... not that I can do much with it. I'm going to be going to college next. More headaches!! But at least some sort of a plan.

I'm not sure how I feel, but it's definitely not "normal". Whatever THAT is anyways

[Berries]

(((((((((((Christina)))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Christina ))))))))))))))))))

[lynn09]

(((((Christina))))) - Sorry you've hit such a rough patch - sounds like you are carrying quite a load, and I didn't read anything in your posts about you doing something you really enjoy and that feeds your soul. You know what they say about all work and no play. You really demand a lot from yourself - perhaps you need to be a little more gentle, kind, and comforting to yourself right now - set aside a little time each day specifically dedicated to doing whatever makes you feel better. Hope things smooth out a bit for you soon. Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

[Ratanddragon]

Originally Posted by Christina86

It's more like, what's keeping me from seeing my current therapist... I haven't been able to afford to go in a couple of months now. Even after she dropped her fees $20, I sincerely have absolutely no money. Not even credit right now. I'm flat broke. Hoping that student loan/bursary can cover it but still waiting to hear back about that.


I'm awfully good at over-analyzing myself. I think that's why I drive myself crazy at times...

It's not like you are the only person on earth who is NOT allowed to have a crappy month or so. You are good people, Christina. Be good to YOU.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Christina86

It probably IS just a bad period and not a full-blown depressive period, but I'd rather find a way to deal with it NOW before I wind up in that big icky pit of horribleness...

Originally Posted by Christina86

I feel overworked, under-appreciated, overburdened, underpaid, overtired, and under extreme stress.

Hi, Christina! This is just a drive-by opinion I think others have already expressed above: Is it possible that you, apart from any subjective feelings, ARE ACTUALLY

• overworked
• under-appreciated
• overburdened
• underpaid
• overtired, and
• under extreme stress?

Could it be that the way you feel is a normal, rational reaction to your current circumstances, those accompanying a financially broke student in the final months before graduation?

I believe your first quote above captures the real danger -- that these temporary circumstances trigger a real depressive episode. You know yourself best. May you find ways to keep yourself from sinking into "that big icky pit of horribleness" for the next several months.

[Christina86]

I love you all, a bunch.

I spent the entire day in bed (just didn't feel like getting out of it) and am now going to suffer because of it today (Sunday) but oh well.

You all give great advice, wisdom and hugs. Thank you. A lot.

[Wants2Fly]

((((((((Christina)))))))))))))

[jacq10]

((((((((((((((((Christina))))))))))))))))

Sorry, I didn't see your post until just now.
I agree with what everyone else has been saying....
try and be gentle with yourself

[Berries]

(((((((((((Christina)))))))))))

How are things going today?

[sarahbarah]

does your university offer free counseling, i know the ones i went to did, it is something to look into! HUGS