Sorry to disappoint anyone

Sabrina · Sep 25, 2009, 05:11 AM

I can only hope things start to improve for you!

Rohag · Sep 25, 2009, 05:43 AM

*Sitting quietly with you*

jerrymichele · Sep 25, 2009, 08:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lynn09

Ohhhhhh my Dear Friend (((Babysteps))) - you REALLY need to find other living arrangements - have to get out of that toxic environment so you can desensitize and gain some balance and at least a modicum of peace. However, until then - by all means post, post, post - say whatever you need to say to release the pressure and defuse. Still listening - always here for you.

lynn you said it right on the mark.....

lonegael · Sep 25, 2009, 09:01 AM

(((((((Babysteps))))))) Others have already given you some very good advice about your situation, so I will be brief: Eat. feed yourself and starve the Depression. Your Father is not a good witness to your worth, so don't make your self confidence dependent on his opinion. take CARE of youreslf!!!!

Sometimes something just is the match to the gasoline. I had a similar but not as extreme experience with my mom last night.

I know her enough by now to a) not expect much from her in certain areas. b) I knew her mother well enough to see where this came from and to not take it personally (hard). Hang on. Get out. Talk to your T. Learning to handle this does not make you disloyal

Berries · Sep 25, 2009, 10:13 AM

(((((((((((Babysteps))))))))))

I hear your pain. I wish you strength.

gimmeice · Sep 25, 2009, 12:10 PM

((((((((((((babysteps))))))))))))))

Hun, I am really sorry that you are going through this, I know it's hard but it's ok to talk about this subject, you need to get it out. Sending you lots of hugs

depressedalaskan · Sep 25, 2009, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

My experience has been that in the "real world" it is hard to find anyone, except perhaps professionals, that can truly understand us and what we are going through.

I have been extremely lucky in that most of the time my husband has been very understanding and supportive of me. He may not truly "get" what I am going through. But he does not judge me and he listens to me, or just simply stays by my side as much as possible. That helps me very, very much. So I have him, my pdoc for meds, my T when I need one to talk to, and PC. I get as much help from all you, my PC friends, as I do from anyone in "real life."

Some days all of you, my PC friends, are much more important to me and helpful to me than anyone in real life. At one time I would have found that to be very sad. (Like when I first came here in 2007.) Now I am very grateful for all of you. I am grateful for finding any source of help, support, concern or simple understanding. It's a rare thing in my life. People who have not walked in my shoes can not possibly understand what I am going through. And I have finally realized that to try and expect them to is unreasonable and even harmful to me.

So to be able to find a place like PC and to be able to ACCEPT the support, concern, friendship and caring you all have to offer here is great learning experience, a source of growth, for me.

Well said........ hugs for all,

depressedalaskan · Sep 25, 2009, 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Babysteps

Thanks everyone for your replies .
I'm kinda getting mixed feelings about these replies . I hope you don't think any less of me . I know it's a very hard post to reply to but it's the truth . I'm sorry if I triggered anyone , I did not mean to . There is not much more you can do anyway and I appreciate all of your input . I still haven't eaten anything though . What's the worst thing that could happen? Please take care of ALL of you. I'm sorry I didn't reply to each post individually , but I just don't have it in me right now. I never mention anything about my father to my pdoc , I really feel guilty about doing that . It is as if , I am in the wrong . Take care All

Your feelings are important to get out. You have to get them out somewhere, this was a good place. You did well. I hope that you get to feeling better soon. hugs for your day.

Naturefreak · Sep 25, 2009, 06:10 PM

Just a little graphic I made .....
I called it .. Prisoner of my own mind .
I feel like this alot ....

Sorry to disappoint anyone

Berries · Sep 25, 2009, 06:55 PM

That is really nice, (((((Babysteps))))). You really captured in your art what it feels like to be you.
Thank you for sharing that.
How are you doing?

Rohag · Sep 25, 2009, 06:58 PM

Poignant. Oh, that some of the surrounding happiness could make its way inside! May it be.

billieJ · Sep 25, 2009, 07:30 PM

Dear Babysteps, I know how it feels to be as you described, well, I can't know exactly how YOU feel, but but I have had the feelings you describe. Something happened, and you need to talk about it if you can. I, too, have spent hours lying and staring, but make your way to the computer and tell us something. Someone may have a start on an answer for you. You don't want to harm yourself. If this results in injury, you will just have more problems; if in death, possibly way more problems. We can't know. All we know is that we want to escape our situation, but we are here for some reason, even if it's just to learn through our experience. The world is not fair, but we are only a small part of the universe, in which everything is in balance. Please contact me, or someone you know better, before you harm yourself. Do this for me if you can't do it for yourself. I am a person, with time for you and with feelings which mirror your own. ~ billieJ I would send you a hug if I knew how to use my smilies!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Babysteps

I'm really sorry if this disappoints anyone , especially the ones that have come to know me . I really don't think I can take anymore of what my life has been dealing me . I got triggered today BIG TIME,
and it is too long of a drawn out story to even get into. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I spent the last 10 hours lying in bed staring at the ceiling. This has NOTHING to do with ANYBODY
here on this site , it is a personal thing . I managed to somehow walk my dog , which I do everyday NO MATTER WHAT . I met two people on my walk one lady with a dog that looked exactly like mine . She said "Sir , our dogs look like twins " . I looked at her , said NOTHING at kept on walking. I then saw a younger man who said to my dog , "Hi Bud and to me How are you ? I said NOTHING and continued home and went straight to bed . I don't even feel like crying , I feel like I have NO emotions . I haven't eaten all day and don't plan on eating anytime soon. I'm just sick of being nice , faking it . I dislike myself for being human . Not that all humans disgust me , but I'm sure some of you can relate . The biggest worry in my life right now is my dogs , but I thought it over and in reality they would probably be fine if something were to happen to me.
I was on an internet dating site and deleted that account a little while ago (just another thing to get on my nerves). Maybe I'm being selfish , but I don't think I am . I've been pretty much used and walked on ALL my life and I can't see any of that changing because of my personality. I am who I am , too late to change now.
I appreciate ALL your hugs and replies to my threads but I believe I can not or will not change , so you are wasting your kindness and
compassion on someone who doesn't deserve it . Thank you ALL for your support over the past few months , you people are amazing.
I'm not leaving , as of yet , but will not be on nearly as much as before until I can , if I can , get a grip on life in general .
I will reply with hugs when I can , but don't expect anything more.
I just don't have it in me at the moment. I will do the best I can to keep you all updated but can't promise I will be alright .
Life is just one kick in the teeth after another and I can't seem to deal with any of it ANYMORE.
Take care everyone .
Love Babysteps.

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