Sorry to disappoint anyone

I just want to thank each and every one of you for your UNBELIEVABLE kindness and support . I know you ALL truly care,
and for that I am grateful . I will follow up with what has been on my mind . I can't thank you guys enough .

I just spent the past hour posting a message about why I was feeling this way and when I went to post it , it said you are not logged in . I was when I started
to post . I .........hate this ............s......

Oh no! That must have been terribly frustrating!!

Good to know you're safe - we were all worried about you. Regarding the above matter - when you log in you have to click the box 'remember me' otherwise if you take too long writing a post, it may not go through - like you experienced. I think it would be good to share what triggered this - maybe we can offer some pointers or a new way of looking at your situation.

(((((((((((((((( Babysteps )))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((Babysteps))))))))))))

I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope you re-group and find the energy to try again. We are all so concerned about you and want you to vent/reach out.

Wishing you strenght and hope

((((Babysteps)))) So glad to have you back. Hugs for your day. Posting: I write many of my posts off site then copy and paste them to PC. It takes me awhile to write them and my left hand is not working well so I have a lot of errors to catch. Just and idea. Really really happy to see you back here.

My father and I have never been close . He never did anything with me as a child . He replaced his time with gifts . He actually spoiled us when it came to that. We never talked much and still don't to this day . When I got diagnosed with major depression I had to take some time off work . I tried going back a few times but just could not function . So my doctor and pdoc made up some paperwork and put me on short term disability . I was prescribed Paxil at the time and had , what they described as " a manic episode". I spent over 18 thousand dollars in a few months on gambling , drinking , bars , strip clubs , etc. I had my one and only suicide attempt during that time where I popped a dozen or so pills along with alcohol. I called my stepmother that night and told her what I had done and she told me to call 911 , so I did . I was hospitalized for a week or so and was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Now I was 25 thousand dollars in the hole , broke , with no job but I was getting disability payments from my job where I worked for 18 years . My stepmother suggested it would be good for me to get away and go and live with her and Dad for a while till I got back on my feet . When I got home I was in bad shape and they hospitalized me for a couple weeks and then released me. A few months passed and I wasn't getting any better so I applied for long term disability and was accepted . My stepmother did all the paperwork and calling around for me as I could not function . She also got me to file for personal bankruptcy and I'm over that now , just don't have any credit.
She passed away about two years ago with cancer . We were very close and she asked if she could be buried with an angel ornament I had bought her one Christmas. She only lasted a couple of months after being diagnosed. It was very hard on both me and my Dad .
There was one night where I was in one of my downers where I slept for a few days without eating . My father was upstairs having a few drinks and was yelling "he's nuts , he's dangerous " while pounding his feet on the floor. I ran up from the basement and was trembling and crying uncontrollably and yelled , "how can you say those things , I am not nuts , I am not dangerous ." My stepmother comforted me and said she was proud of me for standing up for myself . My father denied ever saying such things .
She had to give up her yorkie , who she loved dearly , because my father said the barking was getting on his nerves. She always described my father as being a ME person . The world revolved around him and everything had to go his way. She threatened to leave him a few times because he yelled at her while drinking and he always used the crying technique and she gave in every time.
He wasn't violent , just nasty with his words.
For the past two years I have been buying all the groceries , cooking the meals , laundry , cleaning , yardwork , looking after three dogs , two of which were my stepmother's which I had promised her I would look after them when she passed on , paying 500 dollars rent per month for a one room basement apartment,
driving him around to all his appointments , etc. He was in the hospital for two months for an operation and I drove 10 miles everyday to visit him and stay with him for a couple of hours.
I was really worried about him and was in bad shape at the time also. Through ALL of this he never ONCE said thank you . He goes around humming this song a lot , leaving out the first four words.
hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, have you any wool , yes sir , yes sir , three bags full . I am not stupid .
Anyway , what triggered me was ,the other day he received a phone call from a lady who was told about him by another lady that worked in a restaurant he and my stepmother visited regularly.
He talked about HIMSELF for over an hour on the speaker phone because of his bad hearing. I was in a trance , I couldn't think properly . He was all excited that this lady he never even met before called him and he NEVER talks to me that way or anyone else for that matter. Here I am , mr . nice guy , looking for a date for a few months with no luck at all and a lady drops into his lap by word of mouth . If this is God's doing , he see's something I do not .
Am I jealous ? I don't know. We never celebrated Christmas last year due to my stepmother's passing . He said he wanted nothing to do with Christmas. This year he said the same thing , I don't want anything to do with Christmas . Now that he got this phone call he said , we might celebrate Christmas after all . I spent the last two days in bed and he never checked on me ONCE to see if I was OK.
I could rot down there for a week and he wouldn't even realize I was gone. I don't hate him , I just dislike the way he treats me.
On top of all that my dog is now throwing up and has mucous in his stool . I took him to the vet's which is just down the street and almost passed out because I haven't eaten in two days. I have been drinking water though. Sorry for the long story , but that is just the half of it . Thanks for listening .

Sorry I wasn't here to help your hell feel better. It's remarkable how one day every thing is fine and the next it is more like "stop the world I want to get off"

You always seem to be here when we need you. Even sometimes before we know we need it. Just as part of our family you make us feel happy.

Although I haven't learned the find sport of "friend messaging","pm", and "chat" give me a little more time and I will figure it out. It only took me about four months to figure our the paper towels are stored over the sink in the kitchen and the toilet paper goes under the sink in the bathroom. Sometimes it just take awhile to get the hang of it.

Sorry I can't create a perfect world for you. However, perhaps it won't be much longer before I can get the "pm" and "friends" thingys figured out.

I'll take hugs anytime.

If you see the person with the paper bag on their head and know I'm practicing for Halloween.

kebs

(((((((((((Babysteps)))))))))

Thank you for posting. I am so sorry your father is like that. That is not the way a father should treat his son. It is unfair and you don't deserve it.

I can relate. My father is an asswipe.

I understand now how it came to pass that you were triggered so much the other day. And you say this is only the half of it. Dude, I am so sorry.
And I am so sorry about your dog. I have pets too and understand how difficult it is when they are sick.
Please be good to yourself and that includes eating. It is very important and it will make you feel better in the long run.
Thank you again for sharing your pain with us. We all care so much about you. You are vital here at PC. Don't ever forget that.

Thank you Babysteps - that took alot of courage to share your feelings with us.

babysteps

(((((((((((((((((((((( Babysteps )))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You shared so much of yourself that I am honored, we all are honored.

I sat here with my hand over my mouth feeling all the feelings that poured out of you while describing your love for your step-mother and what she did for you. I could identify with what you experienced when she became sick and died. My mother died that quickly, too. Christmas was special to her, too. She died 1 1/2 years ago. Last Christmas was not the same without her even though we were not always friends.

I understand your sense of duty to your father, in spite of his horrible behavior when he drinks. I don't understand women who are attracted to men like that. And no, it doesn't seem fair. I understand why it doesn't seem fair. You have such big shoulders to be carrying all this responsibility.

I want you to understand one thing. You do not have to be anyone other than who you are here. We are your friends. We care about you. We do not want anything from you. We DO need you to take care of yourself. Because if you don't, you won't be around and THAT we could not handle.

Always trust us. Whenever you need to rest, you rest. Don't apologize. Just promise you will take care of YOU.

I'm sorry, Babysteps.

I may be projecting or simply misinterpreting, but... if being lonely is a heartache, how much more so being lonely with a “loved one” for whom you have no independent existence outside their ego.

Hi, (((Babysteps))) - so glad you are posting - was really concerned about you. First, I am so sorry for your loss of your stepmother - she was really your only touchstone in that situation. I also sorry that your dog is ill - hope he is well soon.

It sounds like your father is a real narcissist - completely self-centered and self-absorbed. Of course he is going to talk about himself to this woman he has never met before - she doesn't know him, therefore it is very easy for him to control her perception of him - that's what narcissists do. The only value anyone has to such a person is determined by the extent to which they can be used to enhance how others perceive the narcissist - everything they say and do is about Power, Dominance, and Control. They don't really have relationships - they just take "prisoners." They also like to withhold from others that which the others need most - love, acceptance, support, encouragement, etc., so they can keep others "hungry" and begging - holding these things before them like a carrot in order to manipulate them into doing whatever the narcissist wants them to do - "emotional blackmail." Those they cannot deceive and manipulate into submitting to their will, will be coerced and intimidated into submitting, and punished for resisting. The narcissist needs constant affirmation from others to validate their own existence, so controlling how others perceive and assign value to them is paramount. Further, they must always have at least one person that they can demean and devalue in order to affirm their superiority - and they just cannot feel superior unless they have the heel of their boot on the back of someone's neck shoving their face in the dirt.

Unfortunately for you, he doesn't see you as being useful in enhancing how others perceive and assign value to him; therefore he is going to withhold your "reward" - he is going to withhold everything you need from him - his love, acceptance, understanding, and support - and he is never going to thank you for anything you do for him because he operates from the position that you "owe" him everything and should be subservient to him. Also, if he were to give you what you need, then he would no longer have a hold over you - he would no longer have power, dominance, and control over you. This is also how my parents and siblings operate and I have been studying them for almost 60 years, now.

This is not a good environment for you - it would be great if you could manage other living arrangements. However, if that is not feasible, if you can understand how he operates, how he thinks, you may be better able to see him for who and what he really is and not be quite so affected by his behavior - he won't be able to control your emotions. You must not allow him to convince you that he has the right to define your identity or determine your value as a human being. You must free yourself from his tyranny. We here at PC know your heart and soul - do not allow this narcissist to convince you that you are anything other than the good, kind, compassionate, loving person that we all know you to be.

My experience has been that in the "real world" it is hard to find anyone, except perhaps professionals, that can truly understand us and what we are going through.

I have been extremely lucky in that most of the time my husband has been very understanding and supportive of me. He may not truly "get" what I am going through. But he does not judge me and he listens to me, or just simply stays by my side as much as possible. That helps me very, very much. So I have him, my pdoc for meds, my T when I need one to talk to, and PC. I get as much help from all you, my PC friends, as I do from anyone in "real life."

Some days all of you, my PC friends, are much more important to me and helpful to me than anyone in real life. At one time I would have found that to be very sad. (Like when I first came here in 2007.) Now I am very grateful for all of you. I am grateful for finding any source of help, support, concern or simple understanding. It's a rare thing in my life. People who have not walked in my shoes can not possibly understand what I am going through. And I have finally realized that to try and expect them to is unreasonable and even harmful to me.

So to be able to find a place like PC and to be able to ACCEPT the support, concern, friendship and caring you all have to offer here is great learning experience, a source of growth, for me.

Thanks everyone for your replies .
I'm kinda getting mixed feelings about these replies . I hope you don't think any less of me . I know it's a very hard post to reply to but it's the truth . I'm sorry if I triggered anyone , I did not mean to . There is not much more you can do anyway and I appreciate all of your input . I still haven't eaten anything though . What's the worst thing that could happen? Please take care of ALL of you. I'm sorry I didn't reply to each post individually , but I just don't have it in me right now. I never mention anything about my father to my pdoc , I really feel guilty about doing that . It is as if , I am in the wrong . Take care All

Maybe Kebs was right . It's me who should be wearing the bag .

(((((((((((((Chris)))))))))))))

First thing first. Chris you need to go eat! So, while your reading this go grab a bite to eat. Even if it is something as small as toast. Also drink some oj, and some milk. If your feeling dizzy that should get rid of it.

Chris if I was were your at, I would have my foot in your dad's butt so quick he wouldn't know what hit him. I can see why you are feeling so down. Your dad is taking advantage of you, and then he withholds his love from you as a parent. Old, young, whatever. No one has a right to treat another human being like s*!t. I would also like to ask, where is your other siblings at? They need to be helping out too! Just because you live there doesn't give them a right to just put all of the responsiblity onto you. If you don't want to call them, well give me their phone number's, and I will be more than willing to tell them to get over there and help out.

Chris there is nothing wrong with telling people no. You should never give up a part of yourself to please others. We are never going to please everyone who we come across. What I would do is see if you can get some more help in there. Your just doing WAY, WAY to much.One more thing I would like to add. It is never selfish to take care of ourselves.

And Chris people who judge and talk about mental illness usually have their own illness right along with the rest of us.

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time right now. I agree with Jerry that you need to live separately from your Dad. Since you're on disability and you're paying for everything right now anyway - it's not like you're dependant on him for money. I agree with the other poster who mentioned that your dad is a self centred, possibly a narcasistic person, who's personality clashes with your personal issues. You should be speaking to your therapist about the problems between you and your dad.

You know me by now, that I usually speak straight forward and I don't sugar coat things. Not eating is one of the worst things to do - when you stop eating the first organ to suffer is the brain. By not eating, this magnifies your emotions and will make you feel worse. I want you to think how you would treat a friend who was like this. You would probably make them something to eat. So you need to force yourself to eat EXTRA healthy foods - breakfast, lunch and dinner including fruits and vegetables. I also noticed the time on some of your posts are very late -try to go to bed earlier at the same time every night.

Also everyone with depression should be taking a fatty acid Omega 3 supplement or eating fish that high in omega 3 like salmon. In addition medical experts recommend adults should take at least 2,000 mg of vitamin D daily. Vitamin D helps with body aches, depression, prevention of cancer and they even said on the news yesterday, they think it helps in preventing the swine flu. Vitamin D levels can easily be checked with a blood test. Since you have to walk your dog, I recommend taking a very fast power walk. Experts now know that regular cardio vascular workouts actually build NEW NEURO TRANSMITTERS in the brain - that's amazing!!

I realize you're very depressed and you're turning your anger inward. Please don't let this happen - you need to treat yourself like you would your best friend. Use the self help coping skills I mentioned and fight for yourself. The first step is having a good meal. I hope you feel better soon.

you are so brave writing about your feeling at the moment. i've had the similar feelings like you before, i describe it as a numb, cant smile, cant talk, no expression, feel like giving up for the last time, it still coming unexpectedly. i hope you'll get through it again no matter what. try to always keep yourself strong as we're all do in here. take care

JUST ONE BIG NEVERENDING NIGHTMARE

Ohhhhhh my Dear Friend (((Babysteps))) - you REALLY need to find other living arrangements - have to get out of that toxic environment so you can desensitize and gain some balance and at least a modicum of peace. However, until then - by all means post, post, post - say whatever you need to say to release the pressure and defuse. Still listening - always here for you.