[Berries]

I am so sick of
1. A constant state of both apathy and anxiety about my life.
2. Worrying if I am mentally ill or not
3. Having no irl friends
4. Having no creative outlet
5. Having no direction or purpose in my life
6. Doing next to nothing day after day after day
7. Having no interest in doing anything
8. It taking so long to get on the right meds
Making this list just makes me want to die. But I tried and I can’t think about any positives.
I am thinking of skipping therapy tomorrow. I feel like a drain on him and I don’t want him to stop liking me. So, if I go, I might put on a happy face (unconsciously) for him and joke around and be silly with him. But I want to be myself when I am with him. And be accepted for that. So what is the point of going?

[stefano]

I say go and be yourself. This problem may arise (and it does often) with common people, not a therapist. If you were cheerful you would not be there... Don't get me wrong, your feelings are very common towards Ts, but I am encouraging you.

By the way, I also read your other posts and I do believe that you are seriously sick, whatever the label. Ain't that a great new?

[Rohag]

Hi, Berries! Always a pleasure to meet you at the forum

Here's how I theoretically see things ("theoretically" because usually my mind tells me one thing and my emotions another...): You are the employer; the therapist is your employee. The therapist is there to provide a service to you. You are the authority figure. Your "I am so sick of" list (great list, by the way) is what he needs to be thinking about and helping you with. That is the formal reality of the situation.

The emotional reality of the situation may conflict with the formal reality; it certainly does in my own case. Emotionally I approach the therapist (in my case a pdoc; ain't got no T) as the authority figure. I am inclined to want to please and obey him. That I, the employer, want to please and obey my employee is ipso facto proof of my dysfunction. Playing this subservient role actually undermines the therapeutic relationship - it distracts and deters me from revealing things the therapist should know in order to effectively work with me.

If I were you, and could muster the courage, I would take my "I am so sick of" list and plunk it down in front of T, saying "these are the things we need to work on." At the very least, I'd take #2, "Worrying if I am mentally ill or not," and, in the first three minutes of the session, lay out for this fellow just how much of a monster this has become. I (Berries) wouldn't mind if I came across as desperate because I am desperate and don't want him to miss the message.

*It's so easy to tell someone else to be courageous when there's no guarantee I would be...*

Originally Posted by Berries

...I want to be myself when I am with him. And be accepted for that. So what is the point of going?

Your desire to be yourself with the T is entirely legitimate. You should expect to be accepted for who you are where you are. The point is your list, making life more bearable for you. You deserve it. You're employing him (through insurance or whatever) to that end.

Thanks, Berries, for allowing me to talk to myself while ostensibly talking to you. I hope you have a productive, encouraging session.

[Elysium]

This is a very good list Berries!!! God work on that.

I know it sucks and it's very difficult when you feel like you need to put on a happy face for people because you don't want to drag them down.

First thing though....your T sounds like he's a pretty good T. This is what he has chosen for his life's work. This is what he does to fulfill his purpose in this life, at this time. If you cancel your session, or you go in and be anything more than your true self, you are robbing T of the chance to fulfill his purpose to be the best T he can for you. You're not giving him the opportunity to do what he is there to do....which is help you makes sense of you when you can't find the sense that is there.

Furthermore....people who aren't mentally ill...do not ruminate over whether they are mentally ill or not. They do not write out lists like the one you have just written. In challenging your own illnesses, you are consistently invalidating and judging your feelings and emotions. I know that I do this at times and most often it is cause I feel I have no right to feel like I feel and that I should just get over it...so I invalidate myself to try and prove my own point.....or I'm just in denial.

It never works out...just wastes the little energy I have left.

Berries....you are depressed. It sucks!!! It's okay to be depressed and it's okay to validate those feelings and have compassion and empathy for yourself.

Go to therapy.

Love....

[turquoisesea]

((((((((((((((((((Berries)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[googley]

(((((Berries)))))

[theotterone]

It took me years to be comfortable enough to tell my psyc dr everything. Like any relationship, it takes time to build. Go to therapy and tell him your fear. More than likely you will find it's unfounded and you are ok!

We're here for you!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Berries ))))))))))))))))))

[melannie]

Hi Berries!

I completely understand how you're feeling! It's awful...

I, too, feel sooo demotivated, evrything seems meaningless, nothing seems worth doing...

I'm seeking help too.

I'm sure it's just a temporary state, I'm sure it's not normal and there is a way out of it...

Hope everything gets better for all of us.

HUGS,

melannie

[Berries]

Thank you everyone for your replies. They are much appreciated. Much.

I have decided to go to therapy today.

I have decided to tell him how I feel--how I want to be myself and my fear of draining him by being so flat and depressed lately. And of him not liking me anymore.

I have also decided to bring the list I made and start working on it.

Thank you all for helping me make those decisions. And thank you for the hugs, encouragement, and caring you showed. Thank you. Thank you.

HUGS to you all!!!!!

[Fuzzybear]

[lynn09]

Really no need for me to say anything more here, (((((Berries))))) - everyone said it all, you got it, and you are going to do what is in your best interest. Good for you. So, I'll just drop off a bunch of HUGS to underscore it all.

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Berries -- That is a very good list. So you did something good, right?

I can relate to taking a long time to find the right meds. Me, too. I have strange responses to a lot of drugs, er meds.

One time when I was in the pits of depression I started making bookmarks out of old cards and glitter and ribbon. I coated them with something called Royal Jelly, kind of like ModgePodge, but as it turns out I like it better. I used to joke that my bookmarks would make any kindergartener proud. But somehow it did give me a creative outlet and something to do that did not cost much. I gave a bunch away. Could you give your inner child a break by doing something like that? I know I need to get back to doing something like this, now that I'm really depressed again.

[VickiesPath]

((((((((((((((( Berries )))))))))))))))

Sorry you are struggling so.

Btw, I like being old. You don't care if anyone likes you anymore. Even your T.

[lonegael]

((((((BERRIES))))))) Hang in there!

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by Vickie in Phoenix

((((((((((((((( Berries )))))))))))))))

Sorry you are struggling so.

Btw, I like being old. You don't care if anyone likes you anymore. Even your T.

(((((Berries))))) - I'm with VIP on this point - I like being old, too. If someone doesn't like me, that's their problem - I've earned the right to be here, and so have you - others can just learn to deal with it. Be just as honest and open with your T and pdoc as you are with all of us here - it's their job to help you. Remember - by helping you the professionals also learn how to help others, so don't hold back. Lots of hugs for you and everyone!

[billieJ]

Let's see - mentally ill: well, you don't seem psychotic, like hearing voice or seeing things, but this is not something one can tell just from a few posts. Majorly depressed - no doubt in my mind about it. Overly anxious - absolutely. I identify with doing virtually nothing all day. It's bad on one's self esteem. I have a dental appt on Mon, and I'm actually afraid I won't get up the gumption to get in the shower. This requires a lot of motivation for me. I prefer my dreams to real life. In my dreams, when I'm sleeping, I dream of being active like I used to before the depression got so bad. I dream of having real relationships with people. I got the impression that you are female, but I can't recall [no memory]. But in any case, you do have many girl friends here, and I certainly am one of them. I thought about you and your dreaded reassessment so often while my laptop was in the shop. DON'T joke around and be silly with your therapist if you don't feel like it. Remember, you are in the reassessment process! You don't need notes about a miraculous cure! You are not a drain on the therapist. That is his job. He can't afford to have strong feelings for you either way, and, My Dear, you are very, very likable, with your extreme honesty. It is a lovable asset. I don't have any interests, either, except . . . for PC, e.g. writing to you. There is no fairness in the world. There IS fairness in the universe. We are here for a purpose and need to stay here until we have learned enough [mostly through pain] to move on. This is not a statement of fact, just my well-considered belief. ~ billieJ

Originally Posted by Berries

I am so sick of
1. A constant state of both apathy and anxiety about my life.
2. Worrying if I am mentally ill or not
3. Having no irl friends
4. Having no creative outlet
5. Having no direction or purpose in my life
6. Doing next to nothing day after day after day
7. Having no interest in doing anything
8. It taking so long to get on the right meds
Making this list just makes me want to die. But I tried and I can’t think about any positives.
I am thinking of skipping therapy tomorrow. I feel like a drain on him and I don’t want him to stop liking me. So, if I go, I might put on a happy face (unconsciously) for him and joke around and be silly with him. But I want to be myself when I am with him. And be accepted for that. So what is the point of going?

[billieJ]

Let's see - mentally ill: well, you don't seem psychotic, like hearing voice or seeing things, but this is not something one can tell just from a few posts. Majorly depressed - no doubt in my mind about it. Overly anxious - absolutely. I identify with doing virtually nothing all day. It's bad on one's self esteem. I have a dental appt on Mon, and I'm actually afraid I won't get up the gumption to get in the shower. This requires a lot of motivation for me. I prefer my dreams to real life. In my dreams, when I'm sleeping, I dream of being active like I used to before the depression got so bad. I dream of having real relationships with people. I got the impression that you are female, but I can't recall [no memory]. But in any case, you do have many girl friends here, and I certainly am one of them. I thought about you and your dreaded reassessment so often while my laptop was in the shop. DON'T joke around and be silly with your therapist if you don't feel like it. Remember, you are in the reassessment process! You don't need notes about a miraculous cure! You are not a drain on the therapist. That is his job. He can't afford to have strong feelings for you either way, and, My Dear, you are very, very likable, with your extreme honesty. It is a lovable asset. I don't have any interests, either, except . . . for PC, e.g. writing to you. There is no fairness in the world. There IS fairness in the universe. We are here for a purpose and need to stay here until we have learned enough [mostly through pain] to move on. This is not a statement of fact, just my well-considered belief. ~ billieJ

Originally Posted by Berries

I am so sick of
1. A constant state of both apathy and anxiety about my life.
2. Worrying if I am mentally ill or not
3. Having no irl friends
4. Having no creative outlet
5. Having no direction or purpose in my life
6. Doing next to nothing day after day after day
7. Having no interest in doing anything
8. It taking so long to get on the right meds
Making this list just makes me want to die. But I tried and I can’t think about any positives.
I am thinking of skipping therapy tomorrow. I feel like a drain on him and I don’t want him to stop liking me. So, if I go, I might put on a happy face (unconsciously) for him and joke around and be silly with him. But I want to be myself when I am with him. And be accepted for that. So what is the point of going?