[melinda84]

I continue to feel worse everyday and the way my bf acts contributes to my downfall. I keep thinking these negative thoughts on a constant basis and that makes me feel upset at my bf so i don't want to talk to him anymore. He just doesn't understand and i don't think he ever will. That is hurtful to me cuz i want him to understand. I don't know how to talk to him without making everything seem negative though.

I have trust issues with him now. I have had a hard time believing anything he tells me lately. While i think he probably does love me, i believe he has some resentful feelings towards me. Just the other day he told me he felt like i was pushing him away. Then i saw he went away and left the computer on yesterday so i discovered some chats he had with his ex gf (I know i shouldn't have looked at them....I feel bad for doing that still). They are friends and they have started to talk more often recently which makes me very uncomfortable. He talked to her a little bit about times that i got upset with him.

I asked him if he ever talked about me to any of his friends and he lied, telling me he did not. I have no idea why he lied, but now i know i can't trust him. I don't think he's cheating on me with his ex, but he has talked to her on the phone a few times and he does tell her he loves her (specifying as a friend of course). I just don't think that is appropriate and it also makes me feel like i matter less to him. I can't bring these things up to him cuz i don't want him to know that i looked at the chats. I know he won't take it well. I just can't stop thinking about this and it's continuing to make me feel bad. I just feel like i want to isolate myself from him all the time. I also notice that when he attempts to be affectionate and make up after fights I just want to stay angry at him and I want to go hide in the closet (It's the only place in the apartment where i can really be alone). He mentions that i act selfish and treat others badly and that just makes me feel so much worse and worthless as a person. I can't see how i'm making others feel really. I know i don't try to be selfish and treat people badly. I just have a lot of problems that i am consumed with.

I am really believing these negative thoughts now though and they keep multiplying. It's so tiring and frustrating for me. I just want the pain to stop so badly.

I try to think of positive things and i got some cognitive therapy worksheets that i printed from online, but when i try to look at them and do them i just feel more depressed. I feel like i have all these problems and i don't want to accept that i'm this troubled. Each time i think of something positive, i develop more negatives from that.

[turquoisesea]

to be honest, I think you NEED to talk to your boyfriend about how you feel.

It's so important. A good relationship can't be there without good communication.

Best of luck to you, sorry you're feeling so horrible

[Lboogieg]

This is why I'm selective about men. Some of them can be such pigs! Sorry to bad-mouth your beau, but it sounds like he could be one of them. How the hell is he trying to claim you as his girlfriend and he's not willing to acknowledge your pain and help you cope with it?? He's your boyfriend, that's what he's there for! He's supposed to be your shelter from the storm. If he can't understand that and help you weather it...I hate to say this honey, but you're with the wrong man. You're too good for him.

Unfortunately, he isn't alone in wanting to push pain to the side and ignore it. You're hurting, and instead of helping ease some of it he wants you to pretend everything is fine. Make him feel good and trot through life like little miss sunshine. Did I get that right?

Also, you're better than me 'cause I'd have gotten in his face about what you read in his chats. Yes he'd be upset, but he should understand why you're upset! He's talking to his ex-girlfriend! I'm not really the jealous type, but when he's pissed off at you and he's going to his ex for refuge that wouldn't sit well with me.

If you explain to him your trust issues, he's got a choice based on how he feels; does he love you and care about you enough to try to help you work through them? Will he make an effort to gain your trust for good? If you're not important enough to him, so be it. He can go back to his ex-gf or find someone else who's willing to shove it all under the rug.

It really annoys me when I hear about these people who aren't willing to console their significant others when they're in pain. This is part of the reason I tend to be cynical about men and relationships. I'm not willing to settle for an a-hole like that (again, no offense ) who ignores my pain 'cause he doesn't wanna deal with it. It's in you, it's there and you only add to it when you ignore it.

Also unfortunate is the fact that I've never been in a relationship so I can't really give you advice from experience, only theory. If he's taking his own hurt to his ex, why is there any desire for you? Certainly if he's making you feel worthless there's a problem. First off, you are not worthless. Secondly, if your man can't help you see that he's not worthy of you!

It sounds like he might be needing some affection himself (hence, him calling you selfish) and when you don't give it, he gets annoyed. Maybe you can shelter each other from the storm! If you talk to each other about your hurting, maybe you can each find refuge in each other. Just a thought

Good luck with your bf! Hope everything works out okay. Feel better soon!

[melinda84]

I am sure i made things sound a lot worse than they actually are cuz of the negative mindset i am in now. My bf has been more affectionate than i have been. I feel badly about that, but i am having a tough time showing affection in my state of mind. I just feel like i want to isolate myself and i know that isn't good for me. I am just tired of causing so many problems. I don't want to frustrate him anymore or make him angry with me cuz he thinks i mean something that i don't mean at all. I do think he has been feeling down himself, but i am bad at knowing what to say when he talks to me about his problems. I do think i need to listen more and show support more. I have been just focusing on my problems lately, but i did not mean to shut him out. I just focus too much on my own issues, but they are so overwhelming that i feel like i can't take on much more so i understand how I can seem insensitive.

I definitely don't want to let him know about me seeing his chats with his ex. That is an invasion of privacy and it wasn't right of me to do that. I just want to know that i can trust him. I am sure in his mind, he didn't feel he was doing anything wrong by talking to his ex about how he was feeling. I can see how she was there for him more than i was at the time so it makes sense. He hasn't had as many relationships as I have and his last relationship was mostly long distance over a long period of time.

[trevorzero]

It seems like you do understand your central problem very well. It sounds rather rude to say it, but you are self-absorbed, to the detriment of your mental health.

You need to find someone, bf or otherwise, to put your energies into. Someone who needs some attention and assistance and will appreciate your efforts. You will get a profoundly good feeling when you become a GIVER.

[lynn09]

Hi, Melinda84. Everyone here seems to have given you comments from just about every perspective on the situation - well rounded. I have only a couple of things to add. First, why should it be a problem for you to know who your BF talks to and about what? Does he know who you talk to and about what? I don't know if you are currently seeing a T, but if you and your BF are having difficulty really talking about both of your personal and shared issues, perhaps you could get the ball rolling by seeing a T or counselor together - get an objective third party in there to help draw each of you out and to help each of you understand the other's point of view. You're going to have difficulty focusing on anything to improve your depression if you are not in an environment where you feel "safe" to express yourself - and the same holds true for your BF - he has to feel "safe" to share all of his feelings with you without recriminations. As long as you are both holding things back instead of getting them out in the open so that you can deal with it all together, there is only going to be increasing stress, tension, and distancing. The success of any close relationship is measured by the extent to which each person feels free to be themselves; as history dictates, oppression breeds rebellion. Hope y'all can find a way to work things out soon for both of your sakes.

[melinda84]

Thanks so much for all the advice everyone. I don't really talk to many people anymore to be honest. I make a comment here and there on people's myspace or FB pages. That is the extent of it. I do not have any good, close friends and I am certaintly not friends with any of my ex bf's. I do not try to be self absorbed, but i can see now that i come off that way to others. I feel the need to isolate myself from people and I often tell myself that most people are out to hurt me in some way. I have been sheltered most of my life and i've never been good at making friends or being social with people so that contributes to a lot of my problems i think.

I think that we could probably benefit from seeing a therapist together, but he isn't currently working so he doesn't have any type of health insurance at the moment. I do, but not sure if just my insurance would cover the both of us. I have no clue how to find a therapist in the area who would take my insurance or do the therapy free of charge. We are really broke and can't afford to pay a lot though.

My bf has expressed to me that he is afraid to be completely open with me about his feelings cuz of how i may react. That makes me feel even worse and i also assume that what he is hiding is not good. I need him to be able to be open with me if this is going to work out.