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#1
Oct 05, 2009, 09:02 PM
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God, first of all I will awpoligize becuase Im not sure all of this is going to make sence but I need to rant I think :/... So Im going to do it anyway!!
I dont know what to do anymore.... Im stuck..... Everything seems so hard.... The thing is, some of this is going to be hard to explain becuase you lot dont know my "full" story!! I suppose I could just tell you :/.... But then I think it would be in the wrong place..... But I suppose if it is in the wrong place then it will just get moved :/..... Well here we go any way.... [[TPND at least you know everything after this]] Right most of it started at age 5, I had started school the year before, and had meet 2 kids that lived next door to me.... Which was great because I could got with them to school and they where in my classes so it was all good.... I never really fitted in at school.... Something about me always made me the odd one out..... Thats when the bullying started.... I was "bigger" then the other kids so I was the fat one... Even tho I could run faster then them and stuff I still wasnt good enough to fit in.... So I suppose thats where some of my eating problem came from..... I used to go round next doors a lot.... And there mum just to work late so we where there with there dad..... I used to say over a lot.... I wish I never had.... There dad used to like well.... Come get me at like 2 in the morning when there mum was working night shifts..... And take me downstairs or into his room.... He used to do things to me.... To begin with it wasnt anything big just like touching and stuff..... But as I got older it got worse... In the end he used to hit me if I said I didnt want to do it or no.... He used to tell me that I wasnt allowed to tell anyone because he would hit me harder and it was a special little secret..... I used to have to go home and tell my mum and dad that I feel over at school to explain to brusies and cuts..... Mum and dad believed me but that wasnt there fault they werent to know..... The bully carried on at school.... So on brake times I used to find a coner and sit on my own.... Sometimes the other kids would come over and pick on me and threw things at me call me names..... I would never go to the canteen at brake because all the other kids keep calling me fat...... At 11 like any other kid in the UK I when to High school.... I thought maybe t school things would change..... But they never did..... I still didnt fit in..... They still called me fat.... But being in high school the bullying was a bit more pyhical...... I used to get beaten up on the way home from school.... I was never very good at anything at school... So I was the dumb blonde to.... So I used to sit on my own and everything that I was used to.... The sexual abuse if that is what it is called didnt stop..... That was still going on..... But I was used to it all by know..... At the age of 12 I started cutting...... People where still calling me fat.... Because some people from my primry school went to my high school so they carried on.....In my second from last year I meet my boyfriend..... We didnt start going out till I was 16, Which is when I moved him with him..... And my sexual abuse stopped....... At 16 I was looking after my boyfriends 2 children and runnnig a house.... at 16 and a half... I joined the army and joined to become a army field medic..... I also trainned to be a sharp shooter..... I was in the army until I was 18 when I came out on injury leave because of a knee injury..... And everything is worse know then before I when in....... Ive come home to my boyfriend.... And getting married soon.... But the 2 kids are not helpping matters.... They do not like that fact that daddy has a girlfriend and they are not the only ones he loves anymore..... Which I can understand Im a evil cow I get it..... But sometimes I wish they would just give me a break...... A lot of what has happened in my life I most likely desreved.... But the one thing I didnt deserve was to loss as many friends as I did when I was in the army...... But that I suppose was not my fault.... Even tho it feels it sometimes..... My cutting has slowed down a bit..... But my eating well thats a different story..... That has gone... Well stupid..... Im making lists of food in the house so I can take them with me to know what to eat and what not to eat.... Im keeping a food diary so I can keep a eye on what Im eating.... Im p*ssed off with myself at the min because I havent lost wieght....... I want to get to my target but Im failing like Ive done in everything soooo far..... Im messing up everything..... The main thing that is keeping me going at the min is that fact that I can not wait to get back to Kavos in may to see all my friends and get back to work..... I made a promise to a friend out there and I will keep it!! Not matter what it costs, or takes to do it........ But one thing I will say to you lot.... Is you can read my story and think oh **** she has been though a lot.... But I havent.... There will always be someone worse off then me.... Its just at the min.... All of this is making it hard for me to get up in the morning...... I cant stand looking at myself in the mirror.... Im everything I hate.... And Im doing my best to chage that but people are saying that Im fine the way I am.... But isnt that for me to deside isnt it for me to say when Im fine or not..... When I can look at myself in the mirror and not want to be sick over it then thats fine.... At the min Im not fine..... No where near fine!!! I really think I should stop writing know..... Other wise its going to take you lot hours to read it :/...... Sometimes tho its just easier for me to type my feeling then it is to say them to anyone........ I used to be scared of my story.... But now I know that it all happened because I desreved it all!! |
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#2
Oct 05, 2009, 09:17 PM
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Quote:
I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through all that bull sh**. I wish I had some magical words to make it all better, but I don't. However, the one thing I do have are lots of hugs for you. 
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It is a miracle that I have survived thus far and I strive to help others see miracles in every day life.
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#3
Oct 05, 2009, 09:26 PM
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Thanks darling.... But sometimes I really thing I do deserve it..... Im not that nice of a person..... Im evil.... Im such a bad person..... I hurt everyone.... And everyone hates me.... Even in the chat rooms I dont really seem to fit in..... Everyone knows each other and gets on with one another and then there is me..... Some times..... Most of the time..... I want to give up!!! Completely give up!! I feel like everything I do is not and never will be good enough.... I fail at everything I do..... I mess everything up.... I think its a merical that Im still here...... If I had, had my way I would has died a long time ago..... I cant strave right.... I fail at that..... I cant cut right I fail at that.... I cant OD right I fail at that.... I am failing at everything so what is the point in trying..... I not good at anything over then "complaning" and when I do that I annoy people so I might as well go hide in a corner.... And never come out!! Im a ***** up and always will be!! I cant even sort my own problems out..... I have to come on here for help...... Im weak and Im patheic..... Im useless at everything and not worth the air I breathe!! So what is the point anymore!??
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#4
Oct 05, 2009, 09:42 PM
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As I read your words, I am reminded soooo much of myself it's not funny!
I am just like you really I am. I feel like I "fail at life" so to speak. So... "what's the point?" you ask... point is... I would miss you TERRIBLY if you were to "leave". How 'bout this... how 'bout you and me make a pact to help each other through the tough times??? I am right here with you, holding your hand, and I will NOT let go (unless you tell me to).
__________________
It is a miracle that I have survived thus far and I strive to help others see miracles in every day life.
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#5
Oct 05, 2009, 09:48 PM
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I seem to remind a lot of themselfs.......
You can help me though hard time but.... There is one thing I dont want help with.... And thats my eating..... If you can leave that one alone then we can help each other.... Its just hard.... I think I have to wake up in the morning.... Knowing you really dont want to..... And knowing that the only thing you have to do today is survice it so you can sleep again!! Its hard to find something to hold on to.... Its hard to see the "silver lineing" if there is any!!! |
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#6
Oct 05, 2009, 09:51 PM
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Quote:
__________________
It is a miracle that I have survived thus far and I strive to help others see miracles in every day life.
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 lonegael
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#7
Oct 05, 2009, 10:02 PM
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Yer and at the min.... Every breath hurts.... Its hurting to talk, walk.... Its even hard to do what I am soooo used to doing.... Smiling and making it out to all be ok!! Ive been doing it for years and all of a sudden its hard to do
 ....... I will reply again tomorrow I really should try and get smoe sleep it is 4am where I am lol.... Thanks for reply to my crap..... You really didnt have to 
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#8
Oct 05, 2009, 10:13 PM
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hope you're getting some good sleep
__________________
 Yesterday I was so clever, so I want to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself. |
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#9
Oct 06, 2009, 10:12 AM
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I got to sleep in the end :/..... Why do I still feel sooo ****** tho
.... I want to help my friend but dont know how to help her.... I told her I would always be there for her and Im not I dont know how to help her ..... Im sorry for the patheic problems but I need to rant I suppose
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#10
Oct 06, 2009, 04:31 PM
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Why why oh why when you are having a hard time as it is people love to make it harder!!! **** this.... I cant be doing this anymore..... I GIVE UP!!! Is that what people are looking for!! I GIVE UP.... Im fed up of fighting Im fed up of aruging.... I fed up!! Thats it.... Im tired of this.... Im tired!! Im Sick and Im Tired... Of this ****!!!
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#11
Oct 06, 2009, 09:04 PM
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(((((hhr)))))
__________________
It is a miracle that I have survived thus far and I strive to help others see miracles in every day life.
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#12
Oct 06, 2009, 09:49 PM
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Thanks Manda
But dont waste your hugs on me!
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#13
Oct 06, 2009, 10:16 PM
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Quote:
don't be so hard on yourself!!! I'm sure Mandas' hugs are not wasted!! and neither are mine!! |
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#14
Oct 07, 2009, 05:27 AM
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Thanks Lara
.... I feel soooo sick today..... My friend rang me at like half 12 last night to tell me she has swine flu ......... I am trying to help her as much as I can but I cant do much because I dont live near her ...... But I will do my best ...... Feeling a very little bit better today... Might be becuase of being able to talk to Lara and stuff last night .... But lets just see how this day goes.... Im taking one day at a time at the min.... And each day.... Im taking every hour at a time ... I suppose its slowly but surely
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#15
Oct 07, 2009, 06:17 AM
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Hiya, glad you're feeling a little better and i'm glad talking helped you, it helped me too so thanks!!
I'm really stressed though today cos of mix up at doctors i have to re register and i have to go see my doctor for a repeat prescription for my meds and the inconvenience is so irritating!!! Take care and I hope today gets better!!
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#16
Oct 07, 2009, 02:59 PM
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As my day has gone on... Its got shittier!! Ive got some really bad stomach pains.... And I feel sick everytime I eat at the min..... Ive taken every painkiller I can... the only one left is paracetmol and I cant take it
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#17
Oct 07, 2009, 03:14 PM
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Quote:
Sorry your day has not gotten better!!! mines been pretty much same! gotta go to work 2morrow which i'm dreading!!! Hope 2morrow is better for you!!!
__________________
LaraKeziah |
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#18
Oct 27, 2009, 12:26 PM
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Quote:
Not that it really helps you in any way but I've had such similar feelings as this post before that it's a bit scary. I was also picked on so cruelly in school being that I was really large (as in tall) and overweight and transferred into high school from another place. I never fit in there either and the teasing was relentless. I tried to play basketball one year and even remember, on the trip back in the bus with the coach sitting nearby, this one guy spitting down my neck and the back of my shirt over and over again and all I could do was sit there and try not to cry. (I was pretty sensitive and nonviolent for a guy I guess). Anyway, I am new to this forum and don't really know too many people but everyone has been wonderful and supporting so far and I have tried to to extend that to others as well. YOU don't need to "fit in" here or really anywhere as there's such diversity in life that everyone really can fit in. You are special for being just who you are but you are really hurting now and can mostly see the negative illusions your mind is telling you is real. That's really all they are dear, illusions. You are NOT weak, NOT useless, people DON'T hate you and you're NOT evil or a bad person (yes I haven't met you but I can tell from the tone of your postings). I just want to say I for one (along with others) care about you and know some of the pain you're experiencing. That's all really, just a caring ear and fingers to type a reply to let you know that someone loves you and cares about your well-being. Chris
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#19
Oct 27, 2009, 02:51 PM
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HHR, maybe you should have the stomach stuff checked up, wasn't that how TPND's flu started? Take care of yourself, hear? By the way. I don't buy the evil stuff. evil people don't spend as much time as you do criticizing their shortcomings
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