[justfloating]

I'm not sure what's wrong with me today. It's like I never woke up properly. Right now I am:

- Exhausted
- Frustrated
- Restless
- Grumpy
- Sad
- Uninterested
- Anti-social

Today was one of those days I should not have gotten out of bed. The second I woke up I felt gross. I think it's because I can't actually remember the last time I saw the sun, and I'm very susceptible to lack of sunlight, which probably means I should get my S.A.D. light out again.

Ugh. I feel like crap. There's just been this voice in my head today telling me how useless and pathetic I am. I am a waste of space, my life is a waste of energy. I've come apart at the seams and sometimes it feels like no matter how hard I try I'm just never going to get myself put back together. I can't engage, I can't meet people's eyes, I can't focus on anything. I got home this afternoon and the first thing I did was put on my pyjamas and crawl into bed. I'm just not capable of functioning in the world today. Everything is so grey, so dark and heavy inside me. I'd really like to cry, but I can't. I hate it when I get like this. It happens once every couple of weeks and so far it hasn't lasted more than a day or so but it's just so draining. I feel stuck, I feel like I'm in limbo and I'm never going to get my life on track. I'm lonely. I'm trying to get involved and make friends and find new things to do but it's like every time I try, I come up against a brick wall. What's the point anymore? Maybe I'm just too strange. I'm just a misfit. I should just stop trying. I'm probably meant to be alone. It's not like I have anything to offer anyone else anyway, and even if I did I'm so bad at interacting with other people, it's impossible for me to connect. I'm just broken and defective and I the sooner I accept it the sooner I can stop having these days where I am suddenly overwhelmed by what a failure I've become.

Hello, I'm sorry you're having a very bad day, and the other bad days too.
You are not worthless by any means. From the time I've joined even up to now I've felt you as a very gentle soul.

I don't know your past but what you're saying about yourself sounds like what I was always told about myself growing up.

From me to you I want to share that we are not worthless - BY NO MEANS

[Briester]

Rebecca, I second Starlite's comment. Even though I've only been on the forum for a short time I've seen you other posts and appreciated your words. You are NOT a failure and are NOT worthless. It's the depression talking and I know because I have it too and have to listen to my mind nearly constantly telling me I am. Sometimes it's so hard to overcome it. People do care about you.

Try to fight back, as tiring as it is. We're all experiencing something similar at some point..

(if I may)
Chris

[googley]

(((((Justfloating))))))))
I'm sorry you are having such a hard day? It does sound like it might be time to get out your light. I've been thinking about getting mine out recently. I hope that you feel better soon. Can you take a break from school work for the night? I hope so. Take care of yourself and be gentle.

[lonegael]

(((((justfloating))))) sounds like a bad day and sure, I can resonate wih feeling like crap, but ya know, feeling it doesn't make it real. You can feel like a failure, but that doesn't make you one. You might feel broken, but that doesn't make you broken. If you let thm, these feelings will pass, even if they might return, they are not writting in stone.
What is written in (cyber<)stone is that Justfloating is a gutsy, warm, caring person who is soldiering on in spite of the fact that she is in a foreign country, feels badly, and is lonely. She is someone who cares about others and writes thoughtful advice and comfort to others who are in pain. Please believe me, in this you are absolutely no failure

[lonegael]

Originally Posted by lonegael

(((((justfloating))))) sounds like a bad day and sure, I can resonate wih feeling like crap, but ya know, feeling it doesn't make it real. You can feel like a failure, but that doesn't make you one. You might feel broken, but that doesn't make you broken. If you let thm, these feelings will pass, even if they might return, they are not writting in stone.
What is written in (cyber<)stone is that Justfloating is a gutsy, warm, caring person who is soldiering on in spite of the fact that she is in a foreign country, feels badly, and is lonely. She is someone who cares about others and writes thoughtful advice and comfort to others who are in pain. Please believe me, in this you are absolutely no failure

Oh yeah, now go run a hot bath with lots of good smelling bath gel or whatever. Spoil yourself!

[justfloating]

(((((((((everyone)))))))))))

Thanks for the support, all. I'm not sure what's going on. I've been feeling SO GOOD lately and I literally woke up and my first thought was "oh no, not again." Nothing has changed, nothing has happened, I'm taking my meds, I made an appointment with my counsellor, I'm getting to my classes and I'm actually enjoying them a lot. My French lecture today was actually the highlight of my day, which is saying something because when the depression was really bad, lectures were the worst thing for me. My attitude as changed in a lot of ways. It's like there are two opposing sides to me, one that is interested and engaged and making her way through life as best she can, and the other that's just ... blackness and hurt and fear. I've had the odd bad day before, it happens once every so often, but it's NEVER been this bad, not since before my meds kicked in. Even the physical pain is back, the aching in my legs and arms. I can't make myself look forward to the morning and it's even worse now that I know what it feels like to go to sleep at night with anticipation for the next day just because things are going so well. My life isn't perfect, and I've still got my problems, but I've been handling them, I've been dealing wit them. And then today I wake up and it feels like I've gotten nowhere at all.

I'm dreading going to sleep. I'm afraid that when I wake up tomorrow I'm still going to feel this way. I feel so heavy. I feel like there are a hundred voices screaming at me that I'm awful and pathetic and I'm trying not to believe them but that's all that's been going through my head ALL DAY and I can't get it to stop. It's like there's this recording in my head and I can't make it go to the next track. I hate this, I was doing so well. I want to do well again. I want to be normal. I want to be happy and healthy and I'm so scared that no matter how well I do I'm going to spend the rest of my life just dreading these black days.

[Briester]

It seems like you've had a really tough day and I know how it is to be feeling well then all of a sudden, poof, the negative thoughts come in again and scare you with the notion that all the good was for nought.

Just remember that like today when you woke to the wretched voice and sad notions that tomorrow you could wake to it all being good again. Life and the illness is like a rollercoaster, you just have to hang on through the ups and downs and eventually it will come to a place of peace and rest again, before starting the trip all over.

Take care tonight special soul.
Chris

[idontknow13]

(((((Justfloating)))))
I really feel your pain, having had those dark days all my life, one good thing about them is when you have good days (which should be more frequent than the bad ones) it makes you really appreciate them
Having been through a severe depression lately as you have in the past, I am very thankful these days that I am able to have good days, a day like today where I was able to hear and accept compliments, a day like today where I was able to spend quality time with my daughter, a day where I was able to comfort my other daughter, a day where I received some encouragement and a warm welcome from someone I respect and admire, a day that I never thought was possible a few months ago, in other words all small but precious things that make life bearable and give hope for the future. Tomorrow may never come...
You are not a failure...as I have written to you in the past, you are a very intelligent, mature and sensitive young woman. Loneliness is hard...we are here for you and we care

[idontknow13]

I usually respond to posts with simple but heartfelt hugs to let people know I care and I am not very good with words and I am afraid to say the wrong thing etc...but often I recognize myself (at a younger age) so much in your writings and I wish I would have had your wisdom and your will to face my issues like you do. I hope that my last reply to your post was appropriate...all I can say is that it came from the heart....on that note I think I should stick to hugs from now on ((((Justfloating))))