deadbeat

Berries · 09:43 AM

I hear people saying to me, "you can do whatever you want". Therapists, online friends...

I guess I must be a deadbeat, because I don't do whatever I want.

I don't have a significant other.
I don't have any kids.
I don't have a carrer.
I don't have a volunteer job.
I don't belong to a club.
I don't have any irl friends.
I don't have any prospects.

My life is more than half over. I guess I am just a deadbeat.

I wish people would say, you can't do whatever you want because you have an illness that keeps you from doing certain things. Instead, when they say you can do whatever you want, I feel a shame so deep my soul wants to die.

crystalrose · Oct 30, 2009, 08:28 AM

i've never met you irl but i know these things bout u.
U care about mental health issues a lot.
U hav compassion and passion to support people.
U are a valued member of psych central;
U care for others

Briester · Oct 30, 2009, 08:35 AM

Berries,

You can't do whatever you want because you have an illness that keeps you from doing certain things. Just like many of us here do. I think people say this with the best intentions (or maybe I'm deluding myself and people really do just say it as a dismissal) but I feel that way towards myself and everyone else who has these illnesses.

I get that sometimes too and I just think "that's not true, I can't do whatever I want, and what I'd really like to feel it a bit of empathy and understanding." You're always such a nice person here and I'm sorry to see you going through this anguish.

Crystal is correct in those things she sees in you as I do too.

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this.

My friend.

Chris

lonegael · Oct 30, 2009, 08:41 AM

(((((Berries)))) I think that phrase is so hackneyed! "You can do whatever you want" should go the same way as "Be yourself and others will like you".

Of course you can't do whatever you want.No one can, because we all have different Things that get in the way. On the other hand, we assume that everyone else has it so easy that they can do whatever they want. I get this all the time from my mom. She doesn't get that yes, those things that were her big problems growing up - status and money - are not things that hamper me now. On the other hand I have a handicapped child and a major mood disorder that hobble me. I have to be carefull with how I spend my energy. that she doesn's seem to get. I really want you to know that you don't have to feel ashamed, Berries. Everyday you face more of a struggle just breathing than most people will face in their whole lives, so Everything else is above and beyond the call of duty. The fat lady hasn't sung yet, so don't diss yourself yet.

Briester · Oct 30, 2009, 08:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lonegael

(((((Berries)))) I think that phrase is so hackneyed! "You can do whatever you want" should go the same way as "Be yourself and others will like you".

Of course you can't do whatever you want.No one can, because we all have different Things that get in the way. On the other hand, we assume that everyone else has it so easy that they can do whatever they want. I get this all the time from my mom. She doesn't get that yes, those things that were her big problems growing up - status and money - are not things that hamper me now. On the other hand I have a handicapped child and a major mood disorder that hobble me. I have to be carefull with how I spend my energy. that she doesn's seem to get. I really want you to know that you don't have to feel ashamed, Berries. Everyday you face more of a struggle just breathing than most people will face in their whole lives, so Everything else is above and beyond the call of duty. The fat lady hasn't sung yet, so don't diss yourself yet.

Very well said lonegael. If someone's never been through mental anguish then they really don't understand and telling someone they can do whatever they want is really counterproductive.

Thanks for the post.

Chris

nowheretorun · Oct 30, 2009, 09:53 AM

(((Berries)))) it sounds to me like you are focusing on all the 'i cants', and not enough on the 'I CANS'

gimmeice · Oct 30, 2009, 10:24 AM

(((((((((((((( Berries ))))))))))))))))

You sound like you are being really hard on yourself, be kind to yourself hun.

Berries · Oct 30, 2009, 10:31 AM

I am focusing on people telling me I CAN do whatever I want.

And it just makes me want to _ _ _.

nowheretorun · Oct 30, 2009, 10:38 AM

be kind too you (((Berries))))))

Berries · Oct 30, 2009, 10:46 AM

I am just going to take my nighttime meds this morning and sleep the day away.
I CAN do that.
I am such a ****up.

Briester · Oct 30, 2009, 10:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Berries

I am just going to take my nighttime meds this morning and sleep the day away.
I CAN do that.
I am such a ****up.

No you're not a ****up at all. You just need some time to take care of yourself and believe me, if I could be home right now I'd probably be in bed too!

If that helps bring you a bit of peace then rest my friend.

Rohag · Oct 30, 2009, 11:51 AM

Berries, your post deeply resonates. I'm painfully aware I can't do just anything I “want.” Goodness, I have a hard time “wanting” anything!

All people are limited in various ways. Remember the old legend about King Canute ordering the tide not to come in. I wonder if I may have mindlessly tried to “comfort” someone by telling them they “can do anything they set their mind to?” I hope I haven't, because that's not what I really believe.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lonegael

Everyday you face more of a struggle just breathing than most people will face in their whole lives, so Everything else is above and beyond the call of duty.

True. Berries, you and everyone else here is precious-in-themselves far beyond anything we “accomplish.”

Oct 30, 2009, 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Berries

I am just going to take my nighttime meds this morning and sleep the day away.
I CAN do that.
I am such a ****up.

Boy I hate days like these. My sympathy (and empathy), Mike

Naturefreak · Oct 30, 2009, 12:21 PM

Berries I can't do whatever I want either.
I do want to tell you I care about you very much ,that I can do. Take care and thank you for all the times you made me feel good about myself . If that's the work of a deadbeat , something's not right . You are very much alive my friend.
Try to enjoy what you have and stop thinking about what you could have . You have a heart of gold.

Briester · Oct 30, 2009, 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rohag

Goodness, I have a hard time “wanting” anything!

I definitely know what you mean Rohag. Sometimes I do wish for something, just one thing, but know that's not the best for everyone else.

lynn P. · Oct 30, 2009, 12:36 PM

I've been sitting here staring at the posts and trying to think of what to say and I don't want to offend anyone. I think first of all you shouldn't compare yourself to what you think others are doing or what societies standards are. I understand how mental illness does put limitations on you. I think though that the people who say this statement are trying to motivate others but I understand how it must make you feel like a failure.

I'm usually the first one who likes to write inspiring posts because I've had alot of sadness and suffered devastating blows in the last few years. Although I haven't been diagnosed with clinical depression I definately think I am depressed - although I think if my circumstances improved I would feel better. I remember 3 yrs ago after I discovered my husband cheated - I remember the next day I had to wake the kids up for school. Honestly I felt like I had a cement foundation block strapped on my back. The only thing that got me up were my 2 girls. Life sometimes stinks - but I refuse to give in and I won't give up.

I answer questions in the Q&A section and many times I tell the story of this woman I saw on Oprah. After the birth of her second child she contracted the flesh eating disease. They had to amputate both legs, arms and removed her colon. Doctors were amazed at her recovery and attitude - never once did she feel sorry for herself. If someone like this lady can still manage to go on with life - then we can too.

Berries - you say that your life is half over. That reminds me of the saying "is the glass half empty or half full"? I know you're struggling with your illness and you deserve much compassion and understanding. When people are unhappy with their lives - I think it's a good idea to make a list of what you would realistically like to do with the rest of your time. Write down what would be some reasonable goals. For example you recently joined a gym - great job. You talk about volunteering - I think that's a very achievable goal- what interests are you passionate about - do you love animals. If you do then volunteer at your local animal shelter. Just because you life doesn't fit into what other people are doing - doesn't make it less valid. I would agree with Nowheretorun - concentrate on the 'I cans' instead of 'I can't'. I hope you feel better soon

lonegael · Oct 30, 2009, 02:41 PM

(((((((Berries)))))) Remember, the one who wins is the one who holds out 5 min. longer than the adversary. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, hon. thinking of you

trevorzero · Oct 30, 2009, 03:16 PM

I hope you will think this is a fair question:

What will it take to motivate you to do the things that you understand you need to be doing?

What has to happen? Would it be something terrible or something wonderful?

googley · Oct 30, 2009, 04:12 PM

((((((Berries)))))))

justfloating · Oct 30, 2009, 07:41 PM

(((((((((Berries)))))))))))

I feel like I could have written your post myself. You're right -- our illness does make it much more difficult or even impossible sometimes to do the things we want. But we are NOT failures or deadbeats for it and it is not our fault that we are the way we are. You are a strong, caring person with a good heart and if you achieve nothing else in this lifetime know that you have brought a lot of compassion and understanding to the people here who need it most, myself included. Sending lots of hugs.

Fuzzybear · Oct 30, 2009, 10:27 PM

(((((((((((((((( Berries )))))))))))))))))

opheliasorrow · Oct 30, 2009, 10:34 PM

Berries you're NOT a ----up sweetie, of course you're not hon. You have mental health problems but it doesn't mean that because you feel like you CAN'T do the things you want at this oint in your life doesn't mean it will always be that way

Speaking as a person who has suffered mental health problems, still does and is healing - I would also say you CAN do the things you want when you are ready, therefore it's giving you hope and reassurance and not too much pressure. Also speaking from experience please know you WILL be able to do what you want in the future sweetheart. I'm sorry you are feeling a bit unsure right now, all the best to you, healing and better understanding for all of us

Ophelia xxx

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