[Taonuviel]

People suck, and I hate girls. They're so *****y!

I wish I could give up, I wish I could curl in bed and never get out. Why am I so dysfunctional? How can I get rid of my pathological dissociation? My human development course teaches on the developmental stages, and says vaguely that botched up ones can be revisited to fix later, but how? I can't imagine it.

I thought about suicide this morning. But it doesn't have any room to stick in my mind. Why? Because I know God won't let me get away with it, absolutely know it. Trying anything will just mess things up more. I wish I could, I wish I had that choice. Not having it ought to suggest to me that I have hope, there must be a reason God wouldn't let me do it. But that doesn't lessen the hurt and fear, the pressure.

I'm so tired!

[Rohag]

Tired. I'd expect you'd be tired. You battled monstrous urges. A struggle like that is going to drain you.

May you now have some good rest, and a sense of victory.

[justfloating]

((((((((((Taonuviel)))))))))))


I don't pretend to understand anything God does, but maybe the reason you can't hurt yourself is because you know you're not done yet. An unfinished masterpiece. Today I was talking to my counsellor about this, and I said that when I'm depressed, I'm filled with certainty, and when I'm not depressed, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. The thing is, the certainty I feel with the depression is that things are going to stay the way they are, that things are going to suck forever, that I'm absolutely useless and am never going to change, that my life is worthless and I will never amount to anything. The uncertainty I feel without the depression is that I am open to all possibilities, I have the world laid out before me and I can go down any path I want because my life is mine to control and I'm going to do what I want and what I can to make myself into the person I want to become. I try very hard to embrace the uncertainty because I believe that we are our own masterpieces, and just because we aren't sure of the next step doesn't mean the end result won't be beautiful.

I think you can make your life beautiful again. I think that at your core, that's what you want. Try not to worry so much about how you're going to achieve that, and take things as they come, one day at a time. Please be good to yourself and stay safe. I know you're hurting but you're not alone in this.

[Taonuviel]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Tired. I'd expect you'd be tired. You battled monstrous urges. A struggle like that is going to drain you.

May you now have some good rest, and a sense of victory.

There's nothing to feel victorious over... I have no choice...

[complic8d]

((((((((((Taonuviel))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Tao ))))))))))))))))))

[Briester]

I constantly fight the tiredness and frustration too Taonuviel. I hope you find some peace today. Be well.

[turquoisesea]

(((((((((Tao))))))))))

[lonegael]

Yeah, girls can be bad. It took me years to get to the point where I could bond with women as well as I could with men. Unfortunately, it's so easy to focus on the bad apples when one is depressed. That's what Mr. depression is so good at, erasing all the nuances and making everything uniformly awfull.
I believe that people can repair parts of that which goes wrong in development, and heal rather than do over other damage. There are some things that one can't redo, or exactly reconstruct - periods of our lives pass and we can't recapture them. I suspect that to redirect our development, we have to come to the point we can let go of certain things that have happened to us and refuse to let them continue to define us. This is very, very hard.
I hope you have a good talk doc, and I really hope if you don't that you can find one. You can repair alot, but almost everyone needs help with that, especially when the wounds lie as deeply as yours seem to. Thanks for posting, and try to stick around. Maybe God doesn't want you to hurt yourelf because you belong to HIM? Take care of yourself.