[musicislife07]

I am a 16 year old boy in the 10th grade. Ever since I was 13 in the 7th grade, I have been slowly becoming more and more depressed. For about a year it lessened greatly, and about a month ago it started to come back. It is worse than it has ever been. Not only am I completely angry at myself (I spend at least 30 minutes a day yelling at myself), I also am scared of other people. When I go to school, I find it hard to trust people or talk to them because I know they don't like me. Though people say they are my friend, their actions say otherwise.

Also, I have been working since the 7th grade to build an emotional wall. I seem to be the happiest person you could ever meet, but this is extremely fake. I don't want other people to notice me, worry about me or even pretend to worry about me, so I make it seem like everything in my life is great.

[Christina86]

Welcome to PsychCentral.

I remember being in highschool (it was only five years ago now...) I also remember being cripplingly depressed and borderline suicidal. And I kept it to myself, and it seems that like you - I hid it behind a mask of "I'm fine".

It sucks, but it is a coping mechanism. However, I know now that if I had gotten help back then I may not have so many issues today... so I'm giving you advice I wish I had gotten.

First, I assume you have a school counsellor/guidance counsellor? Are you comfortable talking to them? Do you even really know them?

If you do know your guidance counsellor, talk to them. It is their job to help, and sometimes they can't help unless we help ourselves and admit we've got problems we can't deal with by ourselves. That's what depression is, a problem that's not easily dealt with by yourself.

If you're not comfortable with your guidance counsellor (I wasn't) ... you could try talking to a teacher you actually like at your school. Someone you kinda trust. Let them help, once again they do care about you otherwise they wouldn't be in a helping profession and trying to teach!

What about your parent(s)? How is your relationship with them? Is it stable/comfortable enough to tell them how you're really feeling?

If all that doesn't work, what about parents of some of your friends? Or other leaders/elders/role models? Religious officials? Sports coaches?

If you can, talk to your doctor. While you're still young, your doctor probably could avoid telling your parents everything you say -- which is good for trust in a relationship, really.

Continue to talk here, there's quite a few other teenagers around

Originally Posted by musicislife07

I am a 16 year old boy in the 10th grade. Ever since I was 13 in the 7th grade, I have been slowly becoming more and more depressed. For about a year it lessened greatly, and about a month ago it started to come back. It is worse than it has ever been. Not only am I completely angry at myself (I spend at least 30 minutes a day yelling at myself), I also am scared of other people. When I go to school, I find it hard to trust people or talk to them because I know they don't like me. Though people say they are my friend, their actions say otherwise.

Also, I have been working since the 7th grade to build an emotional wall. I seem to be the happiest person you could ever meet, but this is extremely fake. I don't want other people to notice me, worry about me or even pretend to worry about me, so I make it seem like everything in my life is great.

Hi. reading your post giving me a flashback when i was your age. i started to feel weird about myself since i was 13, i didnt know anything about depression at the time, but the symptoms kept giving me the clue. i am so much like you, sometimes i yelled to nothing, screaming to nothing, talk to myself, i dont do great in school-socialize, and i also seem to be like a happy person too, even once a friend of mine give me a nickname "Mr. Smile" cause i always smile and i have a big smile, but the truth is its very dark inside me.

Im 25 now, the depressed still wont go away. you're still young, enjoy your moment, i know how hard it is to cope with a depression and all, but just try. somehow i still had my great time too back in school years, eventho yeah i spent most of my time at home thinking about how loser & weirdo i am and sometimes i cant control my urge to kill someone or even myself, pretty messed up. and now to be honest, i hate everything about school, cause i have lots of bad memories there.

you dont want bad memories, so build the good memories starting now. keep strong

[turquoisesea]

just wanted to say to PC

May you find what you need to put your ordeal behind you.

[Briester]

Your experience in school sounds exactly like mine when it started for me in about 4th grade when I first had to get glasses. I'm sorry and unfortunately know all too well how much pain you have and how you feel you need to build this wall to protect yourself.

My advice my friend is to try to get some help from somewhere, either a school counselor or tell your parents you would like to speak to someone and let them know it's not just a phase you'll grow out of. This is all too fragile a time to be subjected to these feelings. I wish I knew then what I know now and had gotten some help from somewhere. I was an only child so I didn't even have a sibling to discuss it with.

I hope you find a way to deal with this as the anger could get even worse and then it either gets turned on yourself or against others, neither of which is a good thing to have. The anger, channeled in the right direction, can be a force for the good (it studying harder to achieve great things) but it can a dangerous double-edged sword when it rears it's ugly head at the wrong person at the wrong time.

If you need/want to talk more please feel free to PM me. You'll find many MANY wonderful people here on this board who are so kind and giving even though so many of us are suffering and wrestling with out own demons.

Be well and love yourself...

Chris

[headintheclouds6]

Hi Lost and Scared Teenager,

I agree with Christina86 about asking for help from your parents or anyone else you can trust (although it feels like there is no one you can trust right now, it's the disease talking. It's the truth that the disorder has built up inside your head). And when you do, you might just be surprised at how supportive they actually are. Just stay strong, you are not alone.