On My Own...

I feel like I'm going crazy.

I have almost completely alienated myself from my friends and family, yet I still crave some sort of companionship most of the time. I just have nothing to talk about except my illness...because that's what my life has become.

I always need something to distract me from having to think about my reality and how I feel like I've wasted the best years of my life being depressed. I feel like I'm wasting my life away even now.

If I'm not reading, then I'm writing, or I watch TV, or nap, or drink, or smoke, or JUST DO SOMETHING to distract my thoughts away from the feelings I have for myself and my situation.

I don't feel like there's anybody I know who can understand what it's like to have depression. My friends try, but they don't understand that it's a long road to recovery, that I can't just "snap out of it" and be myself again. I don't want to put that burden on them. My family is there for me, but it feels like for financial support only, since I can't take care of myself anymore. I don't feel like I can talk to them because they don't support me in my other endeavors, but it's all related to my self-esteem and confidence.

I feel anxious, tired, lost, confused, angry, overwhelmed, and hopeless all at the same time.

I feel the lump in my throat like I'm going to cry again, which is all I seem to do lately.

I feel like someone has stuffed gauze in my mouth, taking away my ability to speak about what I'm feeling.

Here I am, in my late twenties, and I can't even take care of myself. I feel like a failure.

I don't know if this is something along the lines of the barnum effect or something, but a lot of this really sounds like me. Except I really don't think there is a recovery. I think that this is just it. All I truly know is this pain, it's like a flu in the soul all the time, even physically, it's tormenting.

Hello & Welcome, Headintheclouds6!

I was going to reply by quoting excerpts from your post, but I found myself selecting everything you wrote. Wow. How well spoken! Clearly, you're in the right place.

Alienation, distraction, consumed by the illness, feelings of failure and being a burden, etc., etc. - you've summarized a whole bunch of the posts in these forums. You're resonating!

Make yourself at home.

I worry about how you said you don't think there is a recovery...I think there are degrees of remission from the depressive state. It all seems like a lost cause right now, but there is some hope out there. It's difficult to achieve, but somehow we can have some kind of life for ourselves that is not dictated by our disease...

I just wanted to give you a online hug head in the clouds. Right now Im very depressed and dont see it getting any better. Im very sad. So hugs to you too..Its hard .

Hi Headintheclouds. Welcome to PC. As Rohag mentioned, what you wrote is really resonating. You're correct in that there are differing degrees and I'd say to you and n2euphoria that there is a way out though it seems often there is nothing but shadow.

It may not always go away completely but there can be times when it's better and everything seems ok with the world. I have those sometimes then I fall back into shadow. My mind/life like many here is a roller coaster. We take our twists and turns and ups and downs but despite that it's better than coming to a full stop I think. How would we experience joy if we never experience sadness?

Rohag, I hope you have better days my friend and thank you for being there with a kind word to lift my spirits.

Feelingsad, I know you've been very down lately my dear friend and I wish I could do something to help shine some light on your heart. Unfortunately I don't think I have any power to do that but I can say..or plead..for you to try to find some joy, even if it's knowing that I'm here...very far away...and I care and would give you a warm hug if possible and tell you it WILL get better, just hold on.

Be well everyone...you're all courageous for even coming here and you're never alone.

Chris