[justfloating]

All of a sudden, I feel sort of heavy and numb. I was fine when I woke up -- I was even looking forward to the day. But I got confused and unnecessarily anxious before my first class today, and even though I know I was at the right room, I didn't recognize the teacher and I was too embarrassed to ask if I was in the right place (in hindsight my prof is probably away and this was a sub, I'm so stupid not to have thought of that). And by giving into that anxiety I just caused myself more worry. I'm worried about my attendance record (which hasn't been great lately), about not being able to catch up, about the prof hating me and the other students wondering who the heck I am when I actually do turn up. I feel like everyone is just staring at me all the time wondering what's wrong with me. I'm worried about my grades, too. I only got a 14.5 on my last assignment (here we get grades out of 20, but it's a messed up system because a 5/20 is a pass and an 11 is like 70% while a 14 is around 80%, it's really stupid and confusing). I keep telling myself that 14.5 is fine, I'm right where I should be because it's what you need to progress into fourth year, but I did that assignment at the last minute, I made a bunch of stupid little mistakes I can't BELIEVE I missed. And that was the easy translation because it was from French into English. I have way more trouble translating from English to French, so if I got a 14.5 on this assignment it's almost guaranteed to be quite a bit lower on the next one, which will be an English to French translation. My tutor probably thinks I'm an idiot or lazy or both for having overlooked such simple mistakes. And I am lazy because I couldn't be bothered to do the translation until the night before and I just wanted to get it over with instead of really applying myself and trying hard to make it as good as possible. I wasn't paying attention. I never do anymore, I just do my work to get it out of the way.

I have one more class today, it's in an hour and I'm considering skipping it. I shouldn't -- there's no reason to -- but the thought of being around other people right now makes me feel sick. I like that course though, and I like the prof, and I find the discussion pretty interesting. If I skipped it for a good reason, like working on one of the 3 essays I have due or reading one of the two novels I haven't finished for my lit classes, maybe I could justify it, but right now what I really want is to go home, make a cup of tea and curl up in bed to watch Glee because the music is so happy and carefree and I just want to be taken away for a little while. By the time I get out of class it'll be dark, which I hate too, I hate walking home in the dark, it's always so gloomy. I need to go home and call the doctor too, because I have to make an appointment to get my meds checked, and I left her phone number there. By the time I get home from class her office will be closed.

Last year, my counsellor sent a letter to my department informing them that my attendance and the quality of my work might be compromised for medical reasons. She offered, and it took me a few weeks to accept. This year, I'd LOVE for her to send that letter, but I don't want to ask. If I ask, it means I'm lazy and just looking for an easy way out. There's no reason I can't go to my classes or do better on my work, I'm just not trying hard enough and I don't deserve any special treatment. I don't really deserve to go to this school, I have no idea why they even let someone like me in.

[alittlehoshime]

((((((((((JustFloating)))))))))))) so sorry to hear that , I think that when moods is down it will affects from one to another , and makes life difficult to go thru at times . Personally I dont like to study though whenever I going thru exams I would become very anxious , but recently when the time im at my depressed mood all of the sudden where I have no idea the reason caused. I just remembered that I had a great time beforehand but all of the sudden those feelings of no mood to sleep , to eat , feeling wanted to cry just creep in a blink of an eye. Even I have to told my boss that I couldnt meet him for training as I worked as an Insurance Agent now. But my boss also quite worried bout me as he heard me crying over the phone. And sends me some encouraging words .

But my depression is pretty fast to disappear though coz im borderline and bipolar I just feel tired now and took a long nap today. Overall im feeling much better. In your case I suggest u get some of ur classmates to have study discussion with u and to try to relax . Plz dont think u dont deserve entering into this school or class as u. Just try ur upmost best ok as I too love to study languages I think its one of ur interest too maybe who knows u can be a tour guide into this are or be a translator . And languages is such a importance nowadays wherever u go or whatever line ur working . Even me im not good at mandarin though but im learning still despite I am a malaysian and came from a chinese background . Just try to be into this line ok . And Wishing You ALL the Best!

[Berries]

(((((((((((Justfloating))))))))))

When you describe what is going on with you, it sounds like depression. And it sounds like the depression is telling you all these lies, making you believe that you are lazy, worthless, and substandard. When, in fact, you have an illness that you didn't ask for, that you hate and abhor, but nonetheless can't get rid of atm.
Please, please try and remember that depression is what is causing you to function at a lowered pace NOT you as a person. NOT because you have a character flaw.
I think you are having a bout of serious depression. I think you should ask for that letter from your counselor. Give yourself a break! Don't be so hard on yourself. You really are doing your best, even if it doesn't feel like it.

[turquoisesea]

I agree with Berries. Depression is lying to you again.

I have way more trouble translating from English to French, so if I got a 14.5 on this assignment it's almost guaranteed to be quite a bit lower on the next one, which will be an English to French translation.

LIE! You're NOT guaranteed to get a worse grade. The assignment may be harder yes, but in some ways a harder assignment may provide a better grade. You'll be less likely to make the "little" mistakes, because you have to be thinking about the assignment more. More importantly you HAVEN'T DONE IT YET. You can still get an amazing grade on this one. It is not lost yet. If you feel really scared about it, you can find a CLASSMATE or TEACHER ASSISTENT to help you get a good grade. Think positive, you CAN get a good grade on this one

My tutor probably thinks I'm an idiot or lazy or both for having overlooked such simple mistakes.

How do you know that? If I were a teacher looking at simple mistakes, I could think any number of thinks. I personally would not think "idiot". I might even be thinking "did I teach that well enough" or, "maybe this student has been overworked" or I might not even be judging the student at all, just grading papers! You don't know what a teacher is thinking. So don't feel bad for a PROBABLY.
EVERYONE has a bad assignment day. Don't be hard on yourself.

I need to go home and call the doctor too, because I have to make an appointment to get my meds checked, and I left her phone number there. By the time I get home from class her office will be closed.

Maybe this is more important than class? How much of class would you miss if you ran back to get the number? Is she online? Maybe you could look her office up online and get the number there?

Last year, my counsellor sent a letter to my department informing them that my attendance and the quality of my work might be compromised for medical reasons. She offered, and it took me a few weeks to accept. This year, I'd LOVE for her to send that letter, but I don't want to ask. If I ask, it means I'm lazy and just looking for an easy way out

hun, you're NOT lazy. You're sick. There's a huge difference. I have the flu right now, would you blame me for not getting out of bed and practicing? Especially if I need rest? You're sick too, and your meds aren't working right. You're not lazy, you're sick. Send the letter. You don't have to give up on attending classes - DON'T. Keep trying to go. But sending the letter can ease up some of your anxiety which may be stopping you from getting to class in the first place.

I'm just not trying hard enough and I don't deserve any special treatment. I don't really deserve to go to this school, I have no idea why they even let someone like me in.

Lie. You do not decide who is deserving. I have struggled with this question in the past. Thing is, you don't have perspective on yourself right now. No one in a student position has the perspective the admission staff has. They saw something in you, in your application, in what you sent them. THEY are the ones that make the decision if you deserve it or not. And they say you DO. You're trying plenty hard, you're sick is all. You deserve "special" treatment, like I with the flue deserve flue meds *am taking them now* and someone with diabetes deserves insulin. You DO deserve this.


I know this is long. I am hoping that answering some of your post like this may enable you to see a little bit into the lies the depression is telling you right now.

Please realize, right now more than ever you need to take care of yourself. Remember the other day, when you were feeling GREAT? You were wondering about mood swings. Please remember, you can feel like this again. Please get yourself to your doctor.
Take care of yourself.

[lonegael]

((((((((Justfloating)))))) Jeeze, girl, give yourself a break! Lazy is not a word I would use to describe you and I would like to know who has been spreading such manure about you! Is it Mr. Depression again? Take a look through your posts, take a look through everyone elses, and you'll see he says those things to all the girls (and guys too). Turquoise sea and Berries couldn't be more right. Don't believe depression. He can't get a true word out to save your life! Huggs (((((Justfloating))))). don't let a down day bury you hon.