[notz]

I'm putting a trigger icon on this just to be on the safe side.

I do not resemble, in any way, shape or form the person I thought I would be at this stage in my life. Be it mentally, physically or emotionally, nothing about who or what I am fits that unrealistic poppycock today. Best laid plans gone awry?

Well, there are some good points...I am more enlightened than I used to be. I did go through hell and have found myself on the other side. Don't I get points for that? But I've gotta tell you, the last 10 years have been a limbo existence. And now, I've found another section of hell and I wonder if there's another side at all. I haven't found it, yet. No sighs of relief for me.

I feel as if I've been swatting at air trying to get a semblance of control in a situation that is well beyond most any control. I am at my last straw with this situation and I just don't see any good solutions at this point. My p-doc understands and helps me with her guidance.

I'm giving it my all one more time, and if it doesn't work then I have to take a huge step back and do a serious evaluation.

Some of you know, I'm not a profuse poster with serious stuff like this. Please, may I have some support?

Now, a little rambling...my style

Why? Why or why?
I've given everything...money, pride, self respect
I've done all the running and you...not so much.
I've finally had enough.
I'm furious
I'm angry
I'm so hurt
I respected and trusted you
Betrayer! Betrayer, that's how I see it.
Curse words inserted here
More curse words inserted here.

Yeah, I've got a part in this, but I am doing something
Not you.
I want to slap all my anger into you...I say it, not do it.
Want to wake you up, get you jump started somewhere, somehow.
Somehow. You just ignore the big fat arse elephant staring you in the face.
One more try and then I've got to take care of me.

It is that dire.

It's swirling and swirling, all around my head and my soul, all down the drain. I am so powerless. I hate this feeling. Hate it, brings a flood of emotions down on me. I am maintaining as best as I can.
Recognizing my powerlessness and taking my hands off as best I can, but also doing what I can, what I have to. Tricky, tricky balancing act.

Damn the best laid plans! I was very busy with them, and then out of the prettiest blue...my world was irrefutably rocked. Plans are what suffer when life happens. Oh, and those who are in the plan...that's where the collateral damage truly is.

PC has been very, very helpful to me keeping my sanity for the last year. For this I am grateful. Love to all of you. One or two of you have been lifesavers...I don't say that lightly. You know who you are. My deepest love to you.

The sorrow in my tears stings flowing from my eyes.
Words are not enough...

[pegasus]

Sounds like you are being used notz? Take care of you.

Hugs (((((((((( notz )))))))))))

Hello, notz. I do not know enough to offer any specific support. Nonetheless, the anguish you feel and the strength of your will are apparent.

May you find peace and fulfillment!

[Sabrina]

It hurts me to see you hurting so. Wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom but I do know that you neither want or expect that. You have my undivided support and understanding.

I like what TheByzantine said about your strength of will being apparent. That is very true. You are very resilient and at the risk of sounding trite, you will get through this. Somehow.

Holding your hand.

[lynn P.]

Thank you for sharing your feeling with us. I can feel you're hurting and I wish I knew the perfect thing to say. I hear that you're feeling disillusioned with your life as it stands right now - I also feel you're upset with a particular person.

I can only speak from experience, what helps me when I'm faced with difficult life challenges. I ask myself what are the resonable changes I can make to improve my situation. If I can't improve it, I just accept it for the time being and make the best of it. I try to remember that it could be worse and there are people who have even more difficult challenges than me. I often use this lady I saw on Oprah last year as an example. This woman contracted the flesh eating desease after the birth of her 2nd child - they had to amputate all 4 limbs and remove her colon. Doctors were amazed at her recovery and attitude that she was able to have a zest for life. Another woman that impressed me, was the woman who got attacked by a chimp - you can read about her story in the current events section - by JerryMichele - I have to warn you though it's very graphic.

As you may aleady know I have a very complicated marital situation and sometimes I feel trapped, but I have to stay put because of the economy. So for now I take it day by day and try to appreciate that it could be worse for me. I think the serenity prayers sums it up well.

I think the first thing you should do, is take very good care of you. This means eat well and exercise - make yourself as strong as you can. We're all getting older and we need to use it or lose it. I sense you're a survivor but even survivors feels down and need a hand or push. Once you're taking care of yourself - ask yourself what can you change to make your life circumstances better and what can you accept?? Come up with some short and longterm goals.

We all have our battles, some more than others. Even in the depths of despair it helps to ask ourselves - what are we grateful for and could it be worse. I hope this helps in some way Notz - I know you wern't expecting more than a hug - but I wanted to offer more. I wish you peace and hope you find what you're looking for friend.

[Rohag]

Thank you, Notz, for so expressively alerting us to your distress. Keeping you in my best thoughts...

[justfloating]

(((((((((((notz)))))))))))


I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Be good and gentle with yourself.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((( notz )))))))))))))))

I am sorry that you are going through a rough time, take good care of yourself.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( notz )))))))))))))))

((((( Notz ))))) I'm sorry you're in pain- I have no words that can ease your rough time, except to give you a virtual hug, and to tell you to take good care of yourself.

[Catherine2]

(((my friend)))

[lynn09]

I'm sorry that you are in such pain and turmoil, (((((Notz))))). In any given situation and at any given time, the only control any of us has is over the decisions we make for ourselves regardless of what others think and do. As for "best laid plans," they rarely are fulfilled as we envision them since we have no way of knowing who we are going to be any number of days, months, or years down the road. Life is not static, and I have personally found that, more often than not, it is one of my contingency plans that actually gets implemented; and, even though I learned early on to develop as many of those as possible, it is usually the contingency plan formulated in the immediate moment that rules the day.

Any relationship, personal or professional, is only as strong as the mutual respect and trust shared by those involved; betrayal of trust is the surest sign of lack of respect for the other party(ies) concerned and usually heralds the end of a relationship since doubt is an extremely difficult houseguest to evict once it has taken up residency. You deserve more than living in "limbo" or pain, Notz. We can ask little or much of others and life; therefore, it only makes sense to ask (demand) the very best of both and to do whatever is required of us to obtain it. In truth, if you ask little of others and life, that's exactly what you are going to get - and doing so leaves you vulnerable to those who are only willing and/or able to give little. Both in life and relationships, Notz, your autonomy, dignity, self-respect, trust, hope, joy, and peace of mind should never be negotiable. I hope you are able to formulate a "New Plan" that provides you with a better opportunity to have the life and relationships you want and need for yourself and the others "who are in the plan."

[Elysium]

(((((Notz)))))

I am sorry that you are experiencing these difficult times.

You are a strong one, and I have no doubt that you will pull through. I know it is hard to find and keep faith during times like these...but do believe in yourself. You deserve to find your peace and who ever is hurting you deserves to feel the emptiness of missing you when you are no longer there tolerating their crap!!

I don't have much more to say right now...been at a loss for words lately. Just hang in there and know that we are here for you!!

Take good care!!

[lonegael]

((((((Notz)))))) Sorry that you aare hurting, hon. Believe me, there is another side this time, too. Be good to yourelf and save your strength. Huggs.