[SweetandTrue]

Does anyone know what it is about depression that makes us withdrawal socially? I just don't get it...even while I crave people's attention sometimes, I get really uncomfortable in social situations and want to run into a cave. Other times I just get really annoyed with people and don't want to be bothered, then I feel like a loser because I don't have any friends. And when I do feel decent and actually try, I'm am the only one investing in try to make the relationship grow and I give up when I feel like the other person isn't interested because they are giving a effort. That said, I'm in college where sometimes things work a little differently. However, I am a Senior now and I still haven't figured it out! It's hard because due to my Depression I had to take a medical leave between my Junior and Senior years. So now I'm back and I literally do not know half the school (the freshmans and sophomores are complete strangers) and I know VERY FEW people in the junior and seniors classes. Then I feel myself relapsing while I try to write a 100 page Senior Thesis and apply to 11 graduate schools! I hate that I feel so incredibly alone sometimes...

[Rapunzel]

I know what you mean. Depression lies to us and tells us we can't manage, are not good enough, or it just plain wipes out all our energy. You might also have social anxiety if social situations are particularly difficult. Depression and anxiety often come together. Emotions tend to love themselves and to make more of the same emotion and to tend to create action urges that perpetuate the emotional state.

That doesn't mean you have to let depression have that power over you. The most effective treatments for depression are the ones that get you doing something anyway. When you notice that you don't want to do anything and feel like withdrawing, the best thing you can do is challenge it and do something and even get involved in something social. Prove that tme emotion can't control you and you can be in charge. Anxiety, worry, and fear create the action urge to fight, flight, and freeze. They make us want to avoid. The way to beat it is to do the opposite. Approach instead. Do what you are afraid of doing. The more you practice these skills, the better it works and the easier it gets.

[justfloating]

(((((((((SweetAndTrue)))))))))

I just wanted to say I know how you're feeling. I'm in university too and due to depression and the fact that basically everyone in my year has gone abroad except for me, I don't know most of the people here. It can be very, very lonely.

I think the reason I personally isolate myself is that it's just easier. When I'm feeling low, it takes an incredible amount of energy for me to put on the "I'm fine" mask and pretend everything is all right. When I'm alone, I can burst into tears if I need to, I don't have to worry about keeping up with conversations or being engaging or hearing those terrible voices in my head that tell me what a loser everyone probably thinks I am. The lower my mood, the harder it is for me to engage in conversation because I just can't concentrate on what's going on, and having to smile is just painful.

[BeautifullyMistaken]

I agree with justfloating. Isolation is much, much easier. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone nor do you have to 'lie' to them and tell them you're fine because you don't want them to know your personal problems. I always seem to isolate myself because I don't want to let anyone else in. No one is around to judge me or make me feel low and I don't have to pretend that everything is fine. I'm in college as well and I know it gets difficult to pay attention in classes with so many thoughts going through my mind. It's a struggle sometimes just to get out of bed because I feel like people can see right through me and see my sadness.

[SweetandTrue]

Rapunzel, you are correct, I do suffer from anxiety too...it is a struggle with the "fight or flight" response because I tend to choose the latter and then I fell guilty about it.
justfloating, I know exactly what you mean! sometimes I simply don't have to energy to deal with ppl. Relationships are hard work and sometimes it's difficult to find the energy to work on them, especially when you are just starting off with someone (and I mean friendships, romantic relationships are a whole other thing that I am not ready for right now). I also totally get what you mean about bursting into tears and about concentrating.
BeautifullyMistaken, I did such a good job pretending everything was fine with people I interacted with that everyone was shocked when I had to go on medical leave. No one was aware of the pain and the disfunction I was going through because after a long crying session feeling like I had no reason to live, I would suck up the tears and put on a front so I could make it through class with out completely losing it in front of everyone. As you can imagine, this led to a great amount of emotional instability.

[BeautifullyMistaken]

Originally Posted by SweetandTrue

Rapunzel, you are correct, I do suffer from anxiety too...it is a struggle with the "fight or flight" response because I tend to choose the latter and then I fell guilty about it.
justfloating, I know exactly what you mean! sometimes I simply don't have to energy to deal with ppl. Relationships are hard work and sometimes it's difficult to find the energy to work on them, especially when you are just starting off with someone (and I mean friendships, romantic relationships are a whole other thing that I am not ready for right now). I also totally get what you mean about bursting into tears and about concentrating.
BeautifullyMistaken, I did such a good job pretending everything was fine with people I interacted with that everyone was shocked when I had to go on medical leave. No one was aware of the pain and the disfunction I was going through because after a long crying session feeling like I had no reason to live, I would suck up the tears and put on a front so I could make it through class with out completely losing it in front of everyone. As you can imagine, this led to a great amount of emotional instability.

I can understand where you are coming from. I've been depressed for about 8 years and never told my family about it. They didn't find out until this past month, which a friend of mine told them. My mom was saying how 'she had no idea'. I liked it that way, as I don't need anyone to think I'm not fine otherwise. That friend and I are no longer on speaking terms, but as you can imagine...That really hurt me that she would tell people (especially my family) about my business. I trusted her (my mistake).

I too hide back my emotion and tears, yet I know its unhealthy. I hope now that some of the people around you do know, that they are willing to help you through the rough times. You also mentioned you aren't ready for friendships and relationships--which I too can relate too. Do you have one person that you trust enough that you can be open with about problems you are having?

[Pomegranate]

All of us feel alone sometimes, but some of us feel alone more often than others. Depression intensifies this feeling, so the better we take care of our depression the more it helps with that alone feeling.

I spent many years forcing myself to pretend and do things I was afraid of, push myself to see family and socialize. This makes some people better. It works very well for them. For me, I just got worse. I finally had to accept that the less I'm around people the better I am. You have to figure out what works best for you in different situations. It takes time but you can do it! Welcome to PC by the way.

[trevorzero]

Probably the worst thing that you can do (and I am living proof) is to fall into a rigid routine where you just keep repeating your unhelpful behavior patterns over and over and over again.

Try to stay flexible and open to unexpected social possibilities that may come your way. Do things once in awhile to completely surprise yourself. You truly have no idea what the future may hold for you.

[opheliasorrow]

Sometimes we withdraw because it's easier than being bothered with people. Sometimes it's because we feel we are not worthy of friends/loved ones. Sometimes it's because I feel ugly and clumsy, there are many reasons ... depression does lie, and it also has the habit of making us take up bad habits. Life is a struggle with anxiety/depression etc etc ... it's always a fight and sometimes there isn't enough energy. The only advice I can give right now is to make yourself do things, it's so very hard when all you want to do is stay in bed, but get up, have a shower and take the dog a walk or just walk or even read something positive ... (you could put positive little quotes all over the house). It's a case of changing behaviour patterns .... all the best, Ophelia xxx

[tonih]

I don't know which is harder, living and being around people and feeling lonely or being physically isolated on disability and stuck at home and unsure how to go about making friends etc. Remember this though....you are not alone. I am sure there are others in your same type of situation who are also pretending all is well so no one is aware they are hurting. Reach out ....just a bit. You may be surprised. I have pretended for 30 years and it gets me nowhere. Let people know who you are and you might just find that there are folks who understand and need a friend as much as you do. Good luck and bless! Tonih

[billieJ]

Dear SweetandTrue, ~ College can be a very lonely time, because we must spend so much time studying, and, in your case, applying to graduate schools. For that activity, alone, I applaud you. Social anxiety is often a part of depression and keeps us from reaching out to others. Its's as though depression brings with it a sort of paranoia or self-consciousness, wherein we feel as though others are judging as, projecting our self-judgement onto others. I personally, feel more comfortable around others who may have limitations or need my help in some way. By reaching out to such people, or others [everybody needs help in some way], you can almost guarantee friendships, especially when you do this with no expectation of response. Look around and see if there is anything about anyone you see that you can honestly compliment. See if someone in a wheelchair needs help reaching the top shelf. See if anyone needs some of your understanding in one of your college courses. Compliment the professor when a lecture is particularly interesting, or ask him a question about it. Reaching out without expectation of a friendly response is a good way to get a friendly response. Certainly, as indicated by the plethora of responses to your post, you have friends here~! ~ billieJ

[billieJ]

Originally Posted by tonih

I don't know which is harder, living and being around people and feeling lonely or being physically isolated on disability and stuck at home and unsure how to go about making friends etc. Remember this though....you are not alone. I am sure there are others in your same type of situation who are also pretending all is well so no one is aware they are hurting. Reach out ....just a bit. You may be surprised. I have pretended for 30 years and it gets me nowhere. Let people know who you are and you might just find that there are folks who understand and need a friend as much as you do. Good luck and bless! Tonih

Heard you, toni! I, too, am lonely and physically isolated on disability. Can't do much physically, but have recently had opportunity to take an injured neighbor to the doctor and get him a few groceries. This type reaching out sure pays off in friendship! Consider me a friend to you ~ billie J

[jrae]

i say congrats to you for even taking on college. my "medical leave" is still going on - three years later. i couldn't handle anything. i don't know how you can do it, but congrats!

anyways, i withdraw. it's my nature. been doing it all my life. i'm an intervert, so i guess this just gives me time alone to be myself. around everyone else, they ask alot of questions and you put on a fake face for a while. but that doesn't help your situation - in the end, you still feel the same.

i'm back at home with my parents, and there is NO ONE around here for me to hang with. but i've found a way to beat that, somewhat. i go online and chat with people from around the world. for an hour or two, i get to be myself again - no depression and no other s h i t. i miss my old life so much, that this is the only way i can cling to who i use to be before all this happened. so i completely understand you and your situation. if you ever wanna chat, i've got msn, so let me know! take care and hang in there!

[SweetandTrue]

Wow, thank you all for your responses! I find that the more I learn about this disease, the easier it is for me to understand and find ways to tackle it. It's also just so comforting to hear others' stories and experiences.
I do have one close friend (in fact she's one of my very best friends, we've known each other for over 10 years now). She's had mental health issues too and just recently found out she is bipolar. Just a few days ago she told me she took a bunch of naproxin because she was so down. That kinda scared me and it scared her too. I asked her to see someone immediately so she can begin treatment. Hopefully she will be doing better too, and it's nice to know someone who understands because depression can be so difficult to understand if you haven't experienced it firsthand.
billieJ, I think you are right about not expecting anything is return. Too often I set such high expectations from people that I almost always end up being let down. I just need to put myself out there and not expect so much out of people.

[lonegael]

(((((Sweetand true))))))BillyJ has some really good advice. helping others, as long as you don't run over the top of your self doing it, is a good way of keeping your perspective true and your sense of efficay up. It pays in firendship, and also in keeping you from falling into the role of "charity case". when I had problems in college I made the mistake of confiding in the wrong person, and people just started taking for granted that it would be too much for me to contribute or help out in projects, etc. You do not want that. Don't lose your sense of yourself as a person who can do things and contribute. There is nothing like solid evidence to fight back Mr. D when he really comes calling, like Billy J. Huggs.