what to do...

my sister is three years younger than me. which means, i should be the one going to college first and graduating first. maybe even getting married first. she graduates from college in may. and don't get me wrong, i'm happy for her.

but at the same time, it's like a slap in the face for me. i haven't been able to do college in three years. and the more she talks about it, the worse i tend to feel. that should have been me at two years ago. i've got months of this to go thru, plus the actual day it's self - with people asking 'so what are you doing with your life'. i hate it, i truly do hate it. it's like someone keeps repeatedly slapping me in the face cuz i can't do what i'm suppose to. what do i do......

I've been asked that question many times as well. I didn't start college until I was 21 (I'm 24 now). I delayed college because I didn't feel I was ready. I was too depressed all the time and couldn't focus. Actually, I'm still the same but I drag myself to classes anyways.

No one can make up your mind for you. But you'll know when you are ready to start college. It's something you don't want to start unless you are ready for it. You don't want to be forced/feel pressured to go otherwise you might not do well. And if your first semester at college is horrible for you to go through, you won't want to continue and you may never go back. So I suggest you wait until you are ready. If you are clinically depressed, try to seek out help and discuss the problems you are having and maybe medication and/or therapy can help you become more mentally/emotionally happy and then you might want to start college.

Jrae,

Whose voice is that that is telling you that you "should" have finished college already? You and your sister are totally different peope with different systems. What may work for her right not may not work for you right now. Give yourself a much needed break. You will finish up school when the timing is right for you! good luck and hang in there.

I totally agree that it is better to wait until you are ready to go or finish. If you jump in too early, it will not be a good experience for you and you might even end up leaving without a degree, which would be even more frustrating. You have your own set of things to deal with, in fact, moreimposrtant things than worying about who's going to graduate first. I know it feels like a reminder of everything that you are missing out on because of depression. I know that you feel that others look down on you for not graduating first, but actually, holding back might be far better. HUGGS, and when they time comes, let us know!

Jrae.....

Another thought you might take is that not everyone goes to college!! There are many many people, CEO's, artists, musicians, that have never attended college a day in thier life. You may choose to not ever go to college, but it doesn't make you less of a person. It doesn't mean you won't succeed!! You will find your little niche that makes YOU happy. Don't go just because someone else thinks you should...that's totally your choice!! You may be like me and decide to go back when in your 30's or 40's...again it's ultimately YOUR choice.

Are you good at something that you would like to explore further and make a career? A painter perhaps? A researcher? I have been lucky enough to take a favorite hobby and become a professional at it and didn't have to go to college for that either. Only you know when your ready for something....and when your ready you'll know that to.

Try not to let others tell you what you should or shouldn't do...and please try not to think those thoughts of "I should have been first"....I was the first born...and I was the one that did everything last myself!!

It's hard to not let what others say get to you.....but sometimes you just have to let things go in one ear and out the other. It's your life...not theirs.

(((Jrae)))

How are you doing, Jrae?

lonegael, thank you so much for your posting. i actually have three years of college under my belt. i had to quit the middle of fall semeter my fourth year. i had about a year and a half left to get my degree. but i couldn't go to classes, or anything. so i'm now six hours away back at home.

the pressure mostly comes from my family. people are so dang curious, it pisses me off. they always have to ask their questions: so what are you doing now, how come you're not in college, what are you doing for work, what do you plan to do, what are your plans for the next year... and my sister, the one who will soon be graduating, is in nursing. so she thinks that she understands me and knows what's best for me. instead, all it does it makes me even more frustrated.

i know people want to help, but when you tell them not to cuz it makes things worse and they don't listen, what the h e l l do you do then???

I get itchy when I hear the word "should." When I got out of high school and went to college, I dropped out of my first year with a 1.5 GPA. I had been told I "should" go, and told that was what people did with their lives. After all, my sister had graduated with a Nursing degree and was on the Dean's List, all the while she was newly married. Three of my six brothers and sisters had gone that route as well, working hard, graduating, getting married, having kids, getting solid jobs. (I called it "following the plan.")

Here I was, a college drop out, working at a burger joint, couldn't seem to get my life together. No one realized at the time that I was probably burned out and depressed, in a deep funk and in need of some gentle support and a change of pace for awhile. I struggled for two years more at low-paying work with no respect, and finally got some marvellous therapy from a capable person. Suddenly, I realized that now that everyone wasn't pressuring me anymore, there were some solid reasons why I *wanted* to go to college, and those reasons were completely for me. It made all the difference in my chances for success.

I graduated with a 3.6 GPA, hit the Dean's list and stayed on it, and went on to earn two more degrees.

Here's the point - twenty years from now, it won't matter who went first or which of your siblings did what or how long it took you to do it compared to them. What will matter is what you did for yourself - whether you were kind to yourself, whether you took care of yourself, whether you invested in yourself and your future.

Thanks, Spidersal! This is worth highlighting.

Jrae, life and health circumstances compel you to "march to the sound of a different drummer." In the long run, yours could prove the happier, more fulfilling path.

In my hometown, my high school was a little different from the rest of the city because it was smack in the middle of the university campus and about five minutes away from the hospital (which is also a teaching hospital, so it's a big one). What that meant is that every other kid's parent was a doctor, a professor, a nurse, an engineer ... the expectation was that the majority of us were going to university. The school barely even informed us about the other routes we could take -- college, apprenticeships, straight to work, etc. I was one of those kids who was bound for university from birth. Both my parents have degrees -- one works at the hospital and one at the university. I was basically raised in an environment where university just happens -- my parents don't care what their kids do as long as we get a degree in something. They don't see any alternative routes and we weren't really introduced to any other options.

I have no idea if I am academically inclined because it's what I choose to do, or if it's because I don't know what ELSE to do. I sort of wish I'd taken some time to grow and explore and figure out what I really wanted without all of those "should"s hanging over me. I'm in my third year of university now, getting a degree that, at best, I'm indifferent to, and unable to do anything about it to get on the track I really want until I graduate. Following all those "shoulds" has trapped me for four years of my life, and once I get out, I'm never listening to them again! The biggest lesson I'm going to take away from my university experience is that I'm not an academic. I get no joy from sitting in a classroom or writing essay after essay, and I should have been in a more artistic program pursuing my true passion all along.

Anyway, all of this is to say that just because you go to university doesn't mean you're guaranteed to be happy or even come out the other side knowing anything more about what you want than when you went in. You don't have to know anything right now; there's no time limit to figuring out what you want to do. The LAST thing you should do is jump into something because you feel obligated, either by your family or society. It's like that old saying, "Just because everybody else is jumping off a bridge doesn't mean you have to do it too."

i don't like xmas time for two reasons: people ask alot of frickin' questions and it marks when i moved back home. so right now, i'm pretty down on my self cuz it's been two years now. part of me feels like i've wasted two years of my life. but yesterday, i thought of it differently.

for two years, i've helped my uncle work on finishing the inside of his house and i've spent alot of time with my grandma, who turned 89 last month. i've built things for her, fixed things, and driven her places, things i guess wouldn't have gotten done had i not been around here. and my uncle, he deserves my help and so much more. he's a recovering alcoholic, so he actually knows what it is like to struggle like this.

it's hard to know where to go with the thoughts. i mean, when i look at my life, i've really done nothing with it in the past few years. at the same time, i know i've helped people out. but it all comes down to that one question: what are you doing with your life? sometimes, i wish i had the balls to say, when it's your business i'll let you know! haha, like that would ever happen but would be funny as heck. now that sounds like something my uncle would say - lol!!! anyways, my parents try asking me what i plan on doing in six months or next year. all i can manage to say right now is: how should i know, i can't even tell you what i'm doing next week...

Keep your chin up. People don't get that it's hard to be able to plan when your depressed. But it sounds like you have a good firend in your uncle. By the way, if he is able to answer people back like you wish you could, maybe he can give you some lessons No, really. Poeple like us have to take a day at a time, if not a heartbeat at a time. hang in there. I sympathise totally! Huggs