depressed but unable to get professional help

sam5545 · Nov 05, 2009, 06:58 PM

I have a close friend who lives in a different country very far away from me but none the less we are still pretty close. For about 2 years now he has been in constant depression mood and only occasionally experiences true happiness feelings, often times he even acts as though he is happy only to get me to stop worrying about him. I’ve done a little bit of research and I truly feel that he might be experiencing Dysthymia. He has been feeling very hopeless, looks down on himself, feels like he will not accomplish anything and did not ever accomplish anything, he’s been having constant family problems almost everyday, constantly feeling that his family is not proud of him. After spending sometime with his family last summer i noticed that the mood in there house is not very joyful and that there seems to always be a tense feeling in the house which causes a lot of angry feelings towards him. he's been in and out of jobs a couple of times two years and is currently unemployed which is making him feel more and more worthless and useless and his dream of being able to get married and take care of a family causes him only to look at all the things that he is unable to do. On top of all this he is unable to seek professional help. I feel like I need to help him somehow but I just don't know what to do if anyone has any advice or solutions as to how I can help him or how anything can help please don't hesitate.

thunderbear · Nov 05, 2009, 10:31 PM

Hi Sam. Is there a reason he can't get professional help? As far as things you can do to help him feel better, just be a good listener. Let him know your there for him. I hope your friend gets the help he needs.

Rohag · Nov 05, 2009, 11:20 PM

Hello & Welcome, Sam5545!

Thunderbear's advice is most sound. Be a good, non-judgmental listener - or correspondent in this case. You might check through the Caregivers Support Forum; I think you may find some threads there on long-distance care-giving.

You may be facing some cross-cultural issues, too.

Wishing you peace of mind and effective help for your friend.

FeelingHopeful · Nov 06, 2009, 02:49 AM

Hi. I can relate. Im kinda having the same prob with a close friend of mine also. I wondered also why he cant get proff help. You said you spent some time with the fam and they seem to come down on the friend. Is there any family member thats supportive? A Sibling, anyone?

FeelingHopeful · Nov 06, 2009, 06:05 PM

Trying to learn about dysythmia too. The affects?

sam5545 · Nov 08, 2009, 11:23 AM

Thanx u guys..i've been doing research and i think u'r all right what i can do is most just listen to him and make him know that i care. sadly the reason he is unable to see someone prof. is mostly a financial reason he seems to have bigger priorities as well.

sam5545 · Nov 08, 2009, 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FeelingSad

Trying to learn about dysythmia too. The affects?

being in a constant depressed mood for a very long period of time like a number of years, tending to feel like your worthless or useless, you can't achieve anything, a loss of interest in things that used to interest you, having problems with family or friends, wanting to get away, just being in a constant sad mood.

it's terrible too b/c they feel this way for soo long that it becomes so hard to imagine life being different or that it once was different.

hey u said that u'r kind of going through the same thing and i just wanted to tell u to stay strong cuz i know sometimes it's really hard to watch someone you love so much be in so much pain. i also wanted to tell u that the worst thing to do is tell them that it's just in there head or that it's going to go away i have been doing that and i've always wondered y he would just sort of close me out or he would just change the subject and know i know that it's just that for me or for anyone looking in form the outside it's easy to just imagine that whatever it is it's going to go away but the person who is feeling sad and depressed doesn't see it like that at all. Another thing i've also been doing is trying to give advice, which doesn't really work i think really everyone who said this is really right the best thing to do is to just listen and show them u care. no advice, no tough love, no "it's just a phase" or "it's going to go away."

good luck to u and i hope everyone feeling this way gets better

FeelingHopeful · Nov 08, 2009, 01:32 PM

There is nothing more important than knowing someone cares. Makes it easier . I can understand thr financial aspect of it. My Friend also cannot see a therapist because he cannot afford it. I Know he gets down because of it. Like You, I try and research alot and let him know I care also. Hes also been depressed for many yrs too.. I have known him and been close to him a very long time and i just let him know Im always gonna help. I myself have been going through this too so i want to give ya a online hug. My Friend is also currrently not working yet ., economy bad and all but I tell him once he does start his job, thats a positive thing for him. You mentioned your friend lives out of the country, maybe theres some stuff you can do here in the states to help him??

FeelingHopeful · Nov 09, 2009, 02:09 AM

Thank You! I just started Reading about Dysthmia and I think It Describes My Friend Alot, So thanks for the info, Appreciate that. I wanted to say Thank you so much for starting this post, I Have been Trying to help my friend alot and to hear someone else is going through it too , helps sort of, It is hard but I love him and always will be there to help him, no matter what! I also tell him, Its not in his head, that what he goes through is something only he can understand, and I am there for him whenever he needs me.Not alot of people know what he goes through. He also has closed me out and changed the subject when it becomes too hard for him to talk about, I think thats a trait alot of people who have this suffer from, so Like you, I try and let him know how much i care. He never wants me to worry, he will say he's fine but I still worry!! Always will, When you know someone as long as we have known each other and there part of your fam practically, its in my heart to worry. Your Doing Right to be there for your friend, Stay Strong!! Im worried all the time now and cry all the time , My Friend I think not wanting to put me or my fam through this , sort of started a new life, new friends and all, So thats tough, We still talk but I dont see him. I dont know If Im helping or not, I miss him alot! I hope things for you are better, I constantly wonder Why he walked away , I would be there for him , no matter what, We got SO CLOSE! I Wonder why Im Failing??

FeelingHopeful · Nov 09, 2009, 01:32 PM

I think he thinks hes burdening me with this but its never a burden when you love someone. Very Sad Today.

sam5545 · Nov 09, 2009, 10:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FeelingSad

I think he thinks hes burdening me with this but its never a burden when you love someone. Very Sad Today.

i really feel what your going through but you have to trust that you not failing. I think this is just the consequence of dealing with someone who is going through a hard time. You know something I think the best thing to do is just to tell him that your going to be there and just maybe step aside for a little bit. Don't go away cuz that will make him feel alone but just step aside and do something else on the side so that he doesn't feel like he is a huge burden, show him that he's part of your life but he's not depressing your life.. i don't know if what i'm saying is coming across the way i mean it but look, with my friend he tries to not tell me things b/c after he would tell me i would be so hurt for him and it would worry me alottt even at times when he goes on to something else i would still feel bad about the thing he told me about. i guess he felt like he was making me depressed and he didn't want that and i finally realized that i needed to stop doing that or atleast stop showing him. i mean at the time i try to make sure he knows i'm there but then just try not ponder about that subject for a long time. you know one time he was telling me about something then he stops in the middle and goes "never mind don't worry it's nothing" and when i asked him y he said that he's like cuz i know u, u'll think about it too much and wont sleep. he tells me something and i wanted to tell you, he said that both of us can't be feeling the same way one of us has to be strong so that we can keep form falling. i guess what i'm trying to say is that he's going to feel like he's burden but u have to get him to understand that you feeling for him doesn't mean that he is and that it's not a one person thing instead your kind of like a team.

I really know it's hard but try not to be so sad so that u can help him better. i really feel what u'r going through and i know it's tough but keep strong for him. heres a hug to hopefully cheer u up alittle

FeelingHopeful · Nov 10, 2009, 10:47 AM

Thank you.sometimes i feel like im failing but sowmetimes i feel i help strange huh? You give good advice i have um stepped back a bit cause of new friends trying not to interfere we had been more than friends and close its hard cause i also have romantic feelings help!!

FeelingHopeful · Nov 10, 2009, 10:53 AM

He says the same with the sleep to me too. One night we were talking online and he said we both gotta get sleep but please dont worry. Im ok. If you worry too much you wont be able to get a good nights sleep or relax. You worry so much.Im a worrywart lol and he knows me really well. I like tge idea of saying we are a team but im not sure i can say that because of a specific reason that might be inappropriate.

FeelingHopeful · Nov 10, 2009, 07:52 PM

Im so grateful for the help. We talk alot and he knows he can come to me for help. Sometimes when I worry , When i know hes having a good day , that makes me smile. He will say , i need you to be strong for you too. Does your friend say that too? Sending you a hug too I research alot so whenever he needs to talk im ready. Im so grateful to have him in my life , he means alot. I hope your doing better.

sam5545 · Nov 11, 2009, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FeelingSad

Im so grateful for the help. We talk alot and he knows he can come to me for help. Sometimes when I worry , When i know hes having a good day , that makes me smile. He will say , i need you to be strong for you too. Does your friend say that too? Sending you a hug too I research alot so whenever he needs to talk im ready. Im so grateful to have him in my life , he means alot. I hope your doing better.

I’m so glad your feeling better and I'm glad that u feel that way about him being in u'r life, I feel like that too but my situation is a little different at the moment the distance is starting to become an issue I love him a lot and I want to help him and I feel like the whole world is smiling when I know he's feeling alright but u know something I think I’m starting to realize that I’m the one who needs him maybe more than he needs me. it's been a week since I’ve talked to him and that’s normally fine btwn people who r so far away but it's hard for me I literally wait everyday for him. and the longer the wait the more I need to talk to him. I know this is so different than what my original post was but cuz we’re so far away I get so confused sometimes. sometimes I feel like I’m soo strong and that I’m going to help as much as I can but then other times I feel like I’m not even doing anything.. i know I told u don’t feel like u'r failing cuz u'r not and I know I’m not failing too I know what I’m doing I right cuz I really really want him to be happy. but when he's not here I feel like I need him to make me feel happy. it's like a weird addiction, it's nothing sexual or anything like that but I feel like I’ve gotten soo attached and sometimes it bugs me cuz I have to be honest I’m not a saint or anything my thoughts aren’t always positive I have my moments. I have times where I feel like he's not acting the way he is cuz he's depressed.. I know it's bad but I’m human and sometimes I’m the one hurting, like at times when he's not talking to me. I feel like he only talks to me when he has nothing else to do. that bothers me..I need to tell u that he's more than a friend we officially told each other how we feel 2 years ago..that’s y I guess I’m expecting more I guess but were still not offically together it's very confusing even to me. I know this is way off ..almost a totally different topic but I think just needed to vent

FeelingHopeful · Nov 11, 2009, 10:08 PM

So appreciate you Sending me your story too, it helps to know someone else is going through something similiar. I'm not really doing so good, to be honest, But Im trying to, You sound just like me! Just like you ,My Friend and I also were sort of more than friends, we told each other also 2 yrs ago how we felt, and we got very close and looked to be headed towards officially being together, Things changed this yr , Not sure what happened and its been so hard for me, I cry alot. Its ok about venting, guess i need to also, So this is great to talk to you. I can understand that you may be unsure if he acts that way just in general and not because of the depression, Thats natural, so dont feel bad. With my friend, I know him so long so its not the same, but I def understand, dont be hard on yourself, its normal

FeelingHopeful · Nov 11, 2009, 10:17 PM

I love him alot too, besides the more than friendship then, we are also close friends, hes been like a member of my family for yrs, its been hard because he made some new friends and uh more and While I want him to be happy, its what I wish so much for him,Im not sure why he is doing this, I mean I do understand a little because of the depression but My family and I would always be here , he knows that. It hurts to not see him, in the same boat as you, your friend lives far away, my friend lives like 5 minutes away, so thats hard.Maybe since hes so far away, the time difference and his job plays a factor into him not being in touch as much?

FeelingHopeful · Nov 16, 2009, 03:27 PM

Im so depressed, i dont want to lose someone important to me. Im a wreck

FeelingHopeful · Nov 16, 2009, 08:53 PM

I Know I wont Lose him , its just really hard , I miss our talks like we used to have, I want him to know, that I will always be here, I wonder if maybe , he thinks I will think less of him, that could never happen!! He is such a wonderful person, always has been.