[justfloating]

I am missing my course on the history of French intellectuals. I have missed a LOT of those classes, mostly for very stupid reasons like forgetting to go, depression, and the way my schedule works out so that the particularly bad depression days (Thursdays are usually pretty bad, for some reason) mean I don't get there. The prof knows I have health problems and she knows I'm doing my best to keep up on the readings, but I HATE not being there, I hate that she NOTICES when I'm not there. I don't like being noticed, most of the time. I don't like that she knows my name and knows who I am and knows that I'm nowhere near as dependable or engaged as any of the other students. She's already giving me a LOT of leeway because the practice here is that once a student misses three classes, the department doesn't have to let them take the exam (which basically means you fail). She's asked me to get more involved in class debates when I can, and I felt so AWFUL. She's really nice and I honestly believe she's just concerned about me, but all it does is remind me what a terrible student I've been and how everybody else in the class has probably noticed how rarely I show up. I know I shouldn't care what everybody else thinks, but it still nags at me. Now whenever I see that prof, I feel so guilty because I'm afraid she thinks I'm not taking her course seriously, or worse, that she might think I'm struggling and pity me. I don't like to be singled out; I don't like to be different. I don't know why, I just prefer to be faceless and nameless and totally invisible.

I've really dropped the ball this semester. I don't know what's happened. I'm just dragging myself from one day to the next. The kicker is that I'm missing my intellectuals course to finish up an essay for a different course that's due this afternoon. This is all due to my inability to plan ahead and my being too tired last night to force myself through the last 1000 words of my essay. I can't concentrate on anything anymore. I have 300 words to go but I can't get my brain back in essay mode, especially not FRENCH essay mode. Trying to think in French isn't happening for me for some reason. Every time I look at the page my mind just flies away without me. AAAAGH!

[justfloating]

[Rohag]

Justfloating!

This evening, no matter how you feel, no matter what you've accomplished or think you've failed to accomplish, try to remember you have many unseen cyber-friends who hold you dear.

[NuckingFutz]

Yeah...ditto the above response. Clearly from all the negative names you called yourself, the depresion has you. How about going to the school counselor and showing her this thread. She may be able to help. In the meantime, try focusing on a few minutes at a time. Keep posting. Let us know how things turn out.

[turquoisesea]

(((((((Rebecca))))))))

Concentrate on the essay, get yourself some nice food if you're hungry. Make sure to drink water.

*sits with you

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( justfloating )))))))))))))))

[lonegael]

((((((Justfloating))))) You gonna give yourself a break one of these centuries? My word, girl, how you beat yourself up over something that is only marginally in your control! My therapist used to say that I had the worst self talk she had ever heard, but I think you would help her revise that estimate.
Hon, just write whatever when it comes to the essay, and take away what doesn't belong there after you have written enough. Don't get yourself wrapped up in a panic when you block or the right formulation doesn't come. Just get yourself writing somehow, if all that comes at first is Mother Goose or the Jaberwocky or whatever. You can always edit. try making "Good eneough for government work" your motto when you feel this way. It might make things easier to handle if you can ease up on your own demands a bit. Hang in there, hon, and I really hope that your Pdoc can help you. HUUGGGGGGGGSSSSS!!!!

[turquoisesea]

Originally Posted by lonegael

My word, girl, how you beat yourself up over something that is only marginally in your control!

Well said, Rebecca some things are simply not your fault

[justfloating]

Well, it's in. I have no idea how I did because I'm a terrible judge of my own work, but right now I'm just relieved to have gotten that essay done and out of my way. I talked to some classmates who said they had a really hard time writing it too, which made me feel a little better. I don't have another essay due until the 18th, and as far as I know that'll be it until exams. I've decided I'm going to be as kind to myself as I can for the next few days because I have this terrible feeling in my gut, like I'm headed for a crash.

I don't know why I hate myself so much, why I insist on putting so much pressure on myself. My counsellor suggested that I write a list of all the things that I like about myself, and I did it, but it didn't make me feel any better. Staring at that list all I could think was "So what?" My parents call me every Sunday, and this week my dad was telling me how brilliant he thinks I am and how far he thinks I'm going to go and how proud he is of me, and when I hung up I wanted to be sick. I feel like such a fraud. What makes things even worse is that sometimes he'll comment on how I sound so much better than I did this time last year, and then I feel my mood deflate and I have to work really hard to sound happy when seconds ago I actually meant it. My entire life has been about making my parents proud -- it took me until last year to realize that my happiness was not directly related to my parents' happiness. I thought that to take pride in my work, it had to make my parents proud. Now I've realized that's not the case, and I'm struggling to figure out what I want, who I want to be and how I'm going to become that person, and in the meantime the only life I do know -- the overachiever, the responsible one, the strong one with her eye on the ball -- is falling away and I'm really scared. I don't know who I am any more. I don't know how I'm ever going to figure that out. I'm afraid of being stuck like this, feeling lost and overwhelmed for the rest of the year, maybe even the rest of my life.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by justfloating

My counsellor suggested that I write a list of all the things that I like about myself, and I did it, but it didn't make me feel any better. Staring at that list all I could think was "So what?"

That stopped me in my tracks (I'll have to read the rest of your post later). Exactly! That exercise has never, never made me feel any better about myself. For my sanity, the less I think about myself the better.

[SheilaJane]

I won't say I know how you feel... because everyone's story and struggle is different, but I am in a very similar situation. I actually had to withdraw from one class because of the effects of depression. It's horrible, it sucks, and I can't actually give you advice... but reading this and seeing that someone else is in the same boat helped me a bit... and I thought maybe a response to let you know that you're not alone might help you too.

Sometimes a list of what you like about yourself may be useful to belie the negative chatter you use to beat yourself up with.

Resolving why you are so hard on yourself no doubt is important. Although out of context, perhaps this passage from The Road Less Traveled, by M. Scott Peck, M.D., may provide a clue:

The feeling of being valuable--"I am a valuable person"-- is essential to mental health and is a cornerstone of self-discipline. It is a direct product of parental love. Such a conviction must be gained in childhood; it is extremely difficult to acquire it during adulthood. Conversely, when children have learned through the love of their parents to feel valuable, it is almost impossible for the vicissitudes of adulthood to destroy their spirit.

I am not suggesting that your parents have made their love for you subject to a contingency, or that they have a need to live vicariously through your accomplishments. What I do see is a history of your telling them what you think they want to hear, at a great cost to your own well-being. That history makes me wonder why telling your parents the truth is so anathema to you.

As difficult as your life is now, I believe you are making progress in getting everything sorted out. Many are rooting for you. I know I am.

Good luck!

[turquoisesea]

I feel like such a fraud.

Why? A fraud regarding what?

My entire life has been about making my parents proud -- it took me until last year to realize that my happiness was not directly related to my parents' happiness.

Well said. Like you, I have looked too much to my parents for approval in the past.


You say you feel like you're a fraud. You say you feel your good points are worthless/don't matter. And you feel your shortcomings mean everything.
And you say you "don't know who you are anymore".

I think you identify yourself with your job, your work, your grades. But you are so much more than that. These things are PART of who you are, but not the sum of it all. Maybe you need something new to hang onto - it sounds like you've been hanging onto a perceived view of yourself, of a grade A student, perfect, your parent's perfect child, someone who can handle all the pressure of school easily. You might need to change your self image a bit, not in a negative way. In a positive one. What do you stand for? What do you believe in.

Also, I'm curious, would you mind sharing your list of good things about yourself? I'd be curious what you think of yourself.

I'm not sure if I said the right things here, I'm not sure of much. Regardless I'm sending hugs and positive thoughts your way. I REALLY wish we lived nearby so I could take you out to the local coffee shop