[Hope4me2]

I have been fighting major depression lately. Went today to see my meds dr and she adjusted my regular meds and she has me taking another antidepressant at night time too to help with sleep. She wants me to try to sleep and eat more then I have been but that is so hard to do...but she says the meds will help with sleeping.....so far I am up and it is 1 am and nothing UGH....
feel so lonely too and just cannot shake the feeling of gloom and doom and feeling of being incased in darkness....have been SIing alot lately too and thinking suicide and even gone as far as planning things out. But I made a promise to my T to call him when I felt like doing anything...it is a verbal agreement so my meds dr said today that she would feel better if I had a written contract that I could look at amd remind myself of my commitment. So might say something to him tomorrow about it.
I just HATE myself so much and HATE life.....wish I was not here right now.....UGH.....thanks for listening to me rambling on and feeling sorry for myself...

[jmo531]

((((((((((((((((((Hope))))))))))))))))))))

First of all I would like to tell you how proud I am of you for posting about you. Something person that your struggling with. I know that you have a hard time with that and I think this is a positive first step.

You also need to give the meds time to work. Sometimes in the beginning of starting a med it can take a while before it starts to help. Just hang in there. You will make it through this. Please PM me hope if you ever need to. OK. I am always here for you.

[Hope4me2]

thanks for the smile jen,
your icons or signatures whatever they are called always make me laugh or smile.....this one is soooooooo cute....you still have NOT told me where you get them.
I went to see my T today told him about my Suicide feelings and how I even was VERY close to acting on them last night but managed to stay up until 4am and not do anything and then get up at 6am. still did not eat much all day but that is not hurting me any I need to loose some FAT off my body....UGH HATE myself
My T wrote up a Suicide contract today and I signed it reluctantly....ugh
just so tired of being in pain and turmoil and being so D*M depressed....I was able to unload some today and cry just a tiny bit not much...but he said it was a start...
..He knows after our talk that most of my anger is centered around him and he wanted me to look at him today and tell him I was angry and hated him....NOW remember I cannot make eye contact with this man at all...have not been able too for 3 years now...so it was hard when he asked me to trust him to do that... I wanted too because I was ANGRY and upset at him but I could not voice it....so afraid of the consequences.... I am so afraid if I tell him something like that he will disappear...and he wanted to PROVE me wrong today and to trust him and to say how I truly felt from my heart and let my anger out instead of taking it out on myself.......UGH lets just say it did not happen was not easy .........yes this is some of the issues we are working on in my Therapy...right now he is just trying to keep me alive until my new meds kick in.....ugh not going to see him monday he is taking off for the day....mondays is my day to see him HATE that....so now I have to wait until thursday....but I can call if I feel like I need to talk to him...
but like someone's quote says on the boards here.
<font color="red">What happens when the only person who could make you smile when you were down and upset is the one who puts the frown on your face and the tears in your eyes? </font>
so it is HARD to call him when I am feeling down....so VERY hard right now but he is also my anchor and my HOPE so I am so confused and so overwhelmed and so so so I don't know what.....well thanks for listening again... going to lay down and take a short nap before dinner...xanax is kicking in and I feel tired...thanks again for your reply....

[cat_eye]

hi hope! I'm glad you plan on telling your T about how you are feeling.

-Carolyn.