fed up

I heard a song today that went something like "think you're on this road alone, looking for a truth untold, many times you've been close to breaking, giving up and letting go, something inside says it's not over."

Have you ever been hit so hard by something like this that for a minute you can't breathe? How come a song with such a hopeful message is making me so sad? Something inside me is saying it's not over -- it's the same something that saved my life when I was contemplating suicide. But I'm tired of hearing "it's not over" and "it'll get better" without any proof. It's gotten marginally better since I was at my lowest, and by marginally I mean I live in a quieter part of my residence building (last year I was in the busiest corridor and the noise really got to me) and I'm free of a relationship that had me in a choke hold. But I'm still just as lost and just as lonely and the only reason I'm even getting out of bed in the morning is for the one hour I give myself a day to write. The rest of the time I'm restless, ill at ease, hate myself completely and function just well enough to keep people from suspecting anything might be wrong. My life feels pretty empty right now. What if I'm just fooling myself? What if it stays this way forever? I feel like I'm on some kind of wild goose chase.

(((((((justfloating)))))))

I don't know what this is worth, but I do believe things can get better. You mentioned a few things that have improved. That's good.

I think having depression can be like being in an underground labyrinth. You're looking for the way out, you're looking for the ray of sunlight that will guide you. But the labyrinth is tricky. Sometimes you'll head toward that light and find only a dead end. But as you explore this maze you get a better sense of it. And I do believe that you're making your way out closer to the sun. Its just that when we're this deep in the maze it's hard to imagine being outside of it, being able to find the way out.

You're young. You have some college education. You have parents who still are financially taking care of you. You have a therapy support system. Once you get out of school you have more options than you think. Some you may not like, others you will. Once you have that degree, in the eyes of the world you are "better" and "more valuable". That means that YOU will have more control over your job. Maybe this can be an additional improvement that will mean alot to you.

I'm not sure which country you'll end up in. But in the US, I'm sure say a bank would be more likely to hire someone with a college degree. Sure banking might not be what you want but it could get you money for another smaller degree if you want more credentials. You could also probably do something in teaching for your degree and/or something in writing. You could even go out and decide you want to wait tables for a year O.o (not the best job but what I'm saying is you have a lot of options).

I guess what I'm saying (in my long-winded turquoisesea kind of way) is that your life has a ton of potential despite this depression and how you feel right now. You have the ability to start shaping your future. And I believe you CAN get better.

(((((((((((((((( justfloating ))))))))))))))))))

((((((((Just floating))))))) At the risk of sounding obnoxious, I will kind of play a devil's advocate, all the while agreeing actually with Turquoise.
We have the very strong msconception that everyone who doesn't share our MI can depend on and reliably prove that the future for them is good. In fact, NO ONE has any proof of how tommorrow will be. We hope for the best, assume that tomorrow will be like today (seldom worse) and usually it is.
For the huge majority of people with depression, this will be an episodic illness with remissions and varying stretches of "normal" life. Do I have numbers of how many? NO. And it doesn't matter what the numbers are. Either you're one or you are not, but the chances are good that you are, and there will be what you would referr to right now as a better life. (((((Just floating))))), it boils down to that, and how able you are to use what you learn to make life more bearable for yourself during these periods. Like any other chronic illness, the prognosis is generally kind of vague. It is so individual.
Not having a guarantee that tommorrow will be better, or at least not worse, is something we all share as people, but because of depression it becomes a very frightening realization. We expect the worst, right? It doesn't have to be, because in reality, you are still who you are, with a problem that might well not last very long, or it might... Tommorrow can take care of itself, hon. Don't neglect today. Hugggs!!!!! Take some for tommorrow, just in case