[MissE1088]

my depression has grown into other serious issues that i can no longer control anymore. i feel completely insane. somedays i am my manic self, but right now i am back to just depressed and miserable. i just dont know where to go from here. WHY DOES EVERYTHING SEEM SO PAINFUL?!?! i know that life isn't suposed to feel like this. but every aspect of my life brings my pain, even things that should make me happy. but i cant control it, and i am sick of trying to help myself. since i dont see doctors i have only tried self help and i keep trying to be optomistic, but when will i stop denying that i am SICK!!! and that i cannot control everything that my mind is going to put me through, and i cant control everything, i cant always be optomistic, and want to help myself. Sometimes, I don't want to help myself. sometimes, it feels better to just feel bad about myself and feel miserable and drained, maybe because it is what i am used to, and it is easier for me, i dontknow. but the days i do feel i have any sort of strength i do try to help myself. but i just keep getting worse and worse on my bad days that i get lower and lower as a person, as a soul. at least thats how it feels. i feel like i am person walking around without a soul without a purpose and without any happiness. and i feel like i dont have the capacity in my brain to allow any sort of happiness, because everything in life tires me, every thing that should make me at least feel something, only feels bad. i feel diseased, and i just want to get better but just 'wanting' to get better isn't making my better and i just dont know what to do anymore. i am afraid for my life, though i've already ruined it, and myself. I DONT WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS ANYMORE. JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY. i just want to die, and though i am not suicidal anymore, sometimes my mind scares me i know that i will be ok for now ive gotten used to just being miserable and dealing with it, but i just hope that i dont do something stupid in the future, because i know how bad my mind can get to me. i know that i can live my life being miserable, but it isnt worth it. i either want to get better.... or i want to die. I CHOOSE GET BETTER!! but why is it sooo hard?!? im trying day in and day out i dont know what to do anymore, my mind WILL NOT let me get better

[susan888]

(((MissE1098)))

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low. Please rethink the doctor/meds route. I would not be able to function in this life without mine! If you had cancer...wouldn't you seek treatment from a doctor? You can't will depression away.....and getting help is not weakness!!!

Taking risks is scary. I too for many years endured the misery of depression because I was afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone. Even after I got help, there was much to do before I could say I began functioning at a higher level.

No one will ever accuse me of being an exemplar of one who has overcome depression. Even so, my life is better for getting the help I needed.

[Mini moo]

Getting Help is going to be a very hard step. For the first time (After 4 years) I stepped out of my comfort zone and it is hard as H***. I am still working on stepping out. My first appointment is on Friday. The reason I am telling you this is because depression can escalate. It may start of as just feeling low but that can lead to Self Injury and Suicide. I am not saying that you are going to end up in that situation.
You can always contact me or add me as a friend. I would love to try to support you and help in any way that I could. Just private message me, IM me, Aim me, or skype me. I wish you well and send my friendship.

[Shangrala]

Miss~

I can pretty much relate to what you're going through.
Although, I'm not sure if what I am IS depressed, (tho I highly suspect so).
I've never sought any dx. Never been to docs for any sort of assistance as I've felt that what I am experiencing will....pass. And that what I've been going through, (for well into 2 years now), is "just a phase" and rationalize it by using my optimism to will it away. Needless to say, it isn't working.
I'm a very optimistic person. I'm the "happy-go-lucky" kinda gal one would often see offering a smile in public passing. Yet, for some reason, Ive been sinking into this sludge of existance that is not only new to me, even tho it's been progressing gradually, but I deny happening, as well.
Actually, I don't necessarily deny it anymore. I'm aware of it. How can I not be? It's consuming me anymore.
Although I remain the cheerful me in public...IF I even make it out "there" anymore, I'm ...depressed (?) at home.
The simplest of things have become extremely difficult. And I don't want to think that I need someone else, (or drugs) to fix me.

I've never been dx'd for any depression. Wouldn't even know where to start....if that is what it is. Denial? Maybe. I don't know.

I'm sorry that you're going through this.
I can only wish you the best and hope that you do find a solution before it worsens.

Shangrala

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by MissE1088

...my mind WILL NOT let me get better

EXACTLY. You've put your finger on a problem many if not most depressed individuals face: we're the infected struggling to disinfect ourselves.

I do not know what specific form of help you may need to free yourself from your depression, but it is likely you will need outside help. May you have the strength, means and opportunity to get that help.

[tonih]

Miss, you choose getting better and that is a great first step. now, why not do all that you can to achieve that goal. You are facing a difficult journey and there is help available to aide you on your way. Don't deny yourself those things that can make life a bit easier. This is your life you are fighting for and you deserve all the help you can grab to get better! Hang in there and continue to post. Blessings for you!

[casac-t]

Originally Posted by MissE1088

WHY DOES EVERYTHING SEEM SO PAINFUL?!?! i know that life isn't suposed to feel like this.

Thank you for sharing and I am sorry you feel this way. It’s understandable if you live a life with emotional pain, pain will be the feeling you have come to know and support.

Originally Posted by MissE1088

i cannot control everything that my mind is going to put me through, and i cant control everything, i cant always be optomistic, and want to help myself. Sometimes, I don't want to help myself.

It’s understandable not to have the will or strength to help yourself clean up or walk to the store for toilet tissue. But, this may not be your mind bringing these painful feelings and now a painful lifestyle onto you.

Sure, you cannot control everything, even stuff that occurs to you in your life, yet you can find that inner strength needed to help yourself find professional help and mutual support that can assist your autonomy in getting healthier one day at a time.

There is no quick and easy fix here, although, by taking a shower, ironing your clothes, brushing your teeth, and after making an appointment, actually stepping in that door and talking with a qualified mental health professional can greatly help your cause in controlling this painful lifestyle and emotional imprisonment.

Originally Posted by MissE1088

I DONT WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS ANYMORE. JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY.

Unfortunately feelings like this just don’t go away over night. It will take a commitment on your part to seek help then follow up on a regular basic. Possibly be open to psychotropic meds as well. Importantly, given this is your life, you also must continue to do your part in getting healthier. Actually, researching this site and then reaching out to others for support / advice / what have you – shows you are contemplating- changing how you feel. Don’t give up; you can change how you feel. [/quote]

Originally Posted by MissE1088

I CHOOSE GET BETTER!! but why is it sooo hard?!? im trying day in and day out i dont know what to do anymore, my mind WILL NOT let me get better

Continue to try each day. Identify why it is so hard, even if that brings you added pain. At least you are helping yourself by finding different triggers / cues that are emotionally weighing you down from healthier change. Changes occur slowly for every person, but never doubt it can occur in you on a regular basic.

Once again, putting the blame on your mind isn’t the answer. In fact, don’t place blame on any part of who you are to hold responsible in how you feel. Pain is pain regardless and it can get lessen every day, even if it doesn’t initially.

We are here if you continue to be.