Just want to know that I am not alone

I have been sick (mentally ill) and in and out of hospitals for 25 years—since I was 17.
I’ve never had anywhere near a “normal” life. No career, no spouse, no healthy relationships, very, very little friends, no kids, very little money earned (from sporadic part-time jobs), been on disability since I was 18.

Anyway, what I want to say is that I had a nightmare that I was contemplating all of this and I felt such sorrow and loss that I began to sob, to wail uncontrollably. And then I started choking. I woke up sobbing and gasping for air.

The reason I am posting this, is because I was wondering if anyone can relate to the grief and loss of being mentally ill and missing out on such fundamental life experiences.
I feel sad that I have missed out on so much and feel sad when I realize that I never will have those things.

I don’t mean to moan – “Woe is me” I just want to know that I am not alone.

I don't have a career, boyfriend or husband, no friends I hang out with, not much money either- I'm a mess and just a waste of space and I'm to depressed and empty to do anything about it- to many problems.

Berries, you are definately not alone and I am sorry you are feeling so low. I feel I missed out on this last decade due to illness and I am trying to remember to move forward cause I can't change the past. This isn't easy. Try to focus on the positive from your past, lessons learned and move foward. I wish you luck and remember you are not alone with your regrets. blessings!

((((((Berries)))))

There are things I've missed out on that I will never have back because of my mental illness. I mean, yes II have a relationship but it has been a battle for both of us to keep. Positive results, but we never had that fun, innocent, easy going courtship that so many have. I have never had a child with a normal babyhood: my eldest boy had constant chronic hearing problems that resulted in tantrums and violent outbursts, speach delays and what felt like years of crying and shrieking, poor boy. I was not stabilized enough to deal with it properly, and I can only cringe when I think of what we both went through. My current son is Autistic, and I have heard that it miht well be a combination of his fathers family's Aspie heritage and my bipolar that left him as he is. I don't feel so much guilt, but I do feel grief about it. It is another way that Bipolar has stolen both from me and those I love.

I've spent years doing coursework that others finish in half the time. I have had to go reduced course loads when others have been able to go full blast. I have lost friends I loved dearly, i have siad things I should never have said to another human being, and I have even come to blows thanks to this Illeness. On that alone, I am afraid that if I really examined what I feel about having this, if I let myself give it the grief it deserves, I will start crying, and will cry until I die.

But I don't think I'm a waste. I am not the greatest, no where close, but I have been able to make a very pale, shallow and easily missed mark, but a positive one, in this world. I know that I am loved, even if I did not have my family. It's just I know so much went wrong

Huggss, Berries. No, you're not alone. We have our losses. Life doesn't dole stuff out fairly, or you'd have your own queendom. Of that I am sure. Take care, brave Berries.

Even though I'm only 21 I definitely feel like I've missed out on so many things. I can't even write them down, it's just too painful to think of all those things I never had and others achieve with little or no difficulty and take for granted.
People keep telling I'm still too young to have any regrets. But I know they're wrong. Some things just don't come back. And if you don't capture the opportunity when it shows up you almost never get a second chance.
So no, you're not alone

(((((((((((( Berries ))))))))))))))

1. You think that you may never have those things
You may have those things one day.

2. You havent missed out on anything until after you die.
You still have time to do the things you think that you missed out on.

3. I do get nightmares and I do feel bad and like I missed out and that I may never be able to do certain things.
I try to keep thinking that I do have something to live for and that I have time to do the things I desire. I have learned that thinking that I can't do something, Is different from KNOWING. And No one really knows guarantees.

I am here if you need to talk.

Yes, it is sad that illness has had a negative impact on our lives. We cannot relive the past, but we may choose to live today. If we do not make that choice, there will be more regrets to add to the sadness that weighs us down like a ball and chain.

We must choose to live now. Good luck.

((((Berries))))



Yes, I hear you. I know how this illness has reached out and robbed our life of what might have been. I know of the pain of feeling so alone that there is no one there. I hear the fear of reaching out to only be rejected once again. To fear even being when that alone is not a guarantee.

But I also know that if life was not the way it is, I would not be who I am today. I know that though what I have lived through has been not right or fair, it is what has made me the person I am today. It has brought me where I am today----here with you and all my PC family. Who's to say that I would have been here otherwise.

Where I was and where I have come today has been so painful yet I have grown as a person and I have compassion for others that I would not otherwise have. When I took the chance to reach out and allow myself to receive help, I also received the greatest earthly gift anyone could ever ask for------the gift of a friendship that I only dreamt about, one that came from above----one that otherwise probably would not have otherwise came.

It has been so painful and trying at times that I have wanted to end it but because of what I have been through, it has made me stronger and to be able to do things I never thought I could do. And even though at times right now it feels as though the world is crumbling beneath me and the waves of the past are crashing over me, as I walk back through the terror
I am finding the strength from within to walk forward----even one second at a time.

Sure it hurts when I think about all I have missed out on and all I have not been able to do----but when I look at it what would I have missed out on now not being this way? Yes, I have no one real family wise in my life but I have been blessed with my friend and her family, and with each one of you as my family. I would not trade that for anything.

The physical and emotional pain that we carry with us reminds us of what was and it hurts more than words can tell. Just today, for the first time I allowed myself to really feel the pain and to cry tears for what I went through and what I lost. It hurts more than I can tell you, but I now can grow from it and I can allow myself to heal with time. But I do not think that even a year ago I could have done this.

I hate what life has dealt me, I hate the thoughts and feelings that I carry, I hate that years and years of my life are lost as though grains of sand, I hate that for so many years I hid in fear and had to hide everything I felt--everything I was.

But I am grateful that I have been blessed with words and the ability to reach out. For it is in my words that I have strength. Though many times
when I write pain is rushing out--within that pain I am growing and opening up for the first time--and I am finding the me I really am.

Berries, you have been through so much, lost much, and yet, you give to each of us in support, encouragement, and of yourself. We may not have had a "normal" life but then again what is normal. The road we have walked on has been full of pot holes, trenches, rocks and thorns, dry areas, some of the darkest valleys that go on and on, and yet, we walk.

Falling down, running to sometimes barely crawling, storms that seem to rage on and on, hail and high winds that toss us to and fro, dust storms that blind us for days, heat that burns us unrelentingly. But we walk together reaching forth the best we can. Helping one another through and listening with open hearts.

Yes, we have felt much sorrow and lost but we have been blessed in ways that otherwise we would not have been. I do not know if I have made any sense but I know I have tried. My heart hurts yet I know I have a safe haven here amongst my friends and PC family. A place to share and regroup. A place to let go and learn from so many. A place to have a friend like you and many others here that have enriched my life in so many ways.

Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts always.

dps

Berries, you are not alone.
If I let myself think about all the opportunities I've missed because of my problems I would drive myself mad. In fact I do sometimes but I try to think about it as little as possible

Berries! You have us and Im always around to talk,Hugs!!

Berries, thanks for reaching out. I too feel very alone in my depression sometimes. I feel like I have some friends, but they do not understand the depression that I am in...and sometimes it's hard to relate to some of my peers...

I know a little of what you are going through, though we are on different paths. But I am happy to feel united with others in this struggle, to know that we are not alone in the things that we face.

I don't like being mentally ill, to be sure. But when I look at most people, I find them to be rather trite and shallow and simplistic. They lack the depth of character that profound suffering instills. They are simpletons. And I would not want to be a simpleton.

(((((Berries))))) (((((Autumn01))))) (((((tonih))))) (((((idontknow13))))) (((((lonegael))))) (((((*freak*))))) (((((SweetieFuzzy))))) (((((Mini moo))))) ((((((TheByzantine))))) (((((dps)))))) (((((turquoisesea))))) (((((FeelingSad))))) (((((graciemi))))) (((((trevorzero)))))

I know I'm on vacation, but I saw your thread, Berries, and everything that everyone said here - and I had to respond. Like so many here, I never had a family - never bonded with my abusive parents and they taught my siblings to regard me as nothing more than worthless property to use and abuse as they willed, never got to finish college due to medical problems, was never able to conceive due to birth defects, have always battled with chronic pain due to neurological damage, immune-system disorder, insomnia, depression, etc., etc., etc. - and, like you all, I have grieved for what never was and what can never be.

But, after all these years I know that the life education I have received far exceeds what any university could ever teach me and has enabled me to help so many people throughout my life - enabled me to see their pain and recognize it - to empathize without judging or condemning - to be able to reach out to people who needed and wanted help so desperately, but did not know how or were afraid to ask for help. All of us have received highly specialized training and experience enabling us to help so many who would never have been reached had we not been there in the midst of it all and already knew the terrain.

Although we all have lost out on much of what is considered "normal" life (which is just about as valid a concept as a "utopia"), we have gained so much more in terms of experience, character, empathy, wisdom, compassion, mercy, tolerance, perseverance, understanding, acceptance, strength, and true courage as a result of our struggling to fully live despite our physical and/or mental infirmities. For me personally, I know that I appreciate more than most "normal" folk just how very precious every aspect and moment of this life truly is because I know precisely the high price I have to pay every day to have any part of it at all; and something I have to fight so hard for, I will not give up or allow anyone or anything to take from me easily.

You are not alone in grieving for what has never been and what can never be, Berries, and don't worry for a moment that any of us would think that you are just moaning "Woe is me." Your and our grief is all too valid - I would be much more disturbed if any of us were so callus that we did not grieve at all! But, far exceeding that grief is the sense that we are so very special because life has singled us out and demanded so much more of us than others - and here we all are in the trenches and on the battlefield day in and out fighting with all of our might not only to make an inch of progress, but all too often just to hold our present ground!

We, the infirm, the struggling, the damaged, the "walking wounded," are the heart and soul of mankind because without our suffering the rest of mankind would know nothing of compassion, mercy, or humility. Quite frankly, I am honored to be in the company of so many brave and courageous individuals as those found here in this PC family, each fighting for themselves, each other, and even those we do not know since whatever we experience and accomplish benefits all.

That's my 2 cents worth - I'm going back on vacation now. Hugs to all and see you after the holidays!lynn09

That's wonderful, Lonegael! I believe that is true of all of us even if we don't feel it. Berries, I hope you can catch at least occasional glimpses of your real value.

{{{{{{{Berries}}}}}}}

So many people have made such profound and truthful statements...we all have a similar "knowingness" because we've been there, are there, know that we'll continue to be there. Doesn't make the heartache any less or the future appear any brighter, but we do get up each morning and sludge through the day despite the arrows flung at us.

I'm so glad you're here and expressing your feelings. Isn't it a wonderful tribute to others that they care enough to be here for you, for me, for anyone who needs a helping hand and a kind word!

Happiness can be so elusive; I don't think I'd recognize it if it were sitting in front of me but I'm trying. My wish for you is that you try as well...and perhaps you just might be able to grab it and hold onto it. One step at a time...one day at a time...one obstacle overcome or at least tackled.

My love and thoughts of happiness to you ~

Melanie

I'm sorry for your your grief. I too, have been on disability since I was17 (I'm now54),.Although I got my BA in Soc. Services,I never had a career due to the disability. but I've learned that life has a bigger purpose than a having a career.
Please hang in there for all those who love you

Berries, you are not alone at all. I once had boyfriends, friends, a career, a life. That all seems like it happened to another person now. I am completely alone, my life is completely pointless, I am pointless. I have no friends, a job that I hate, I have no ambition, no dreams, no hope. I wonder what I doing here. So I hear you, and feel for you. You are not alone.

I really like your photo of raspberries! It's funny because I'm actually sitting here right now eating a bowlfull of them.

To answer your question though, no, you are not alone. I've been there on those sleepless nights, thinking about how I think my life sucks. I've sobbed and wailed uncontrollably for hours upon hours. 2yrs ago I went through a phase where I would cry for days on end and never left my house for over a month.

What my saving grace was though was getting help at a mental health hospital. It was really hard to admit that I needed help feeling better. It was even harder to admit that I needed to be committed to a "crazy hospital." But I did it.

And I learned a LOT about myself and depression in the process. I got professional help from those who were able to help me stop the cycle of constantly crying. I didn't think at the time it would be possible to stop feeling this way, but it is. I promise!

How are you doing, Berries?

I’m writing in green just for you. J
I am having an so so week so far. Monday was a full day without a dark plunge!!! Yesterday was spent in a drug induced sleep most of the day. Today I woke up mildly depressed. But in general my mood has lightened.
My medication tweak is helping. My T is helping. My support group is helping. My posts and the replies I’ve gotten is helping. I am so very lucky to have all these resources and relationships. I am especially lucky to have my PC family. I don’t know what I’d have done this past year, if I hadn’t found PC.
Thank you all for making me feel less alone.
And I hope that I can "be there" for all of you as much as you always are for me.
(((((((((((everyone)))))))))))

You are already doing that (((((((((Berries))))))))). More than you could imagine! Love that green ink by the way! Huggs from a snowy, wintry north.

(((Berries)))

No, you are not alone. I am in a situation that is very similar to yours, & I do the same thing every single day of my life (death). It's like a nightmare from which I can never awake, & I don't have to die to be in Hell. That's all I can write.

(((((((Dear Berries)))))) You are most definitely NOT alone. I hate when I have those kinds of dreams. Yes, I am married and yes I have one child. (My daughter hasn't spoken to me in almost 8 years now.) But I do have those "sense of loss, of what might have been" dreams too. Like you, I wake up crying really hard, gasping for breath and feeling a very profound sense of loss and sadness. I've had them, on and off, for about 20 years now. They do seem to lessen in frequency as time goes on.