[justfloating]

It's been over a year and I can't stop lying to my family, to my friends, to my counsellor and to myself. I thought being open about my depression would do me some good but sometimes I wonder how much help it really was. Now that those closest to me know about it, I feel like more of a burden than ever. I used to lie and say I was fine in order to hide my depression; now I say it to avoid the guilt and shame that come with worrying those around me. I've been walking around for months saying I'm fine because I'm afraid my problems have been invalidated by my illness. Nothing is really wrong, it's not a solvable problem, it's just my depression acting up again and turning my life to crap. And I'll admit that what solutions are there, aren't ones I'm ready or want to face. The more I say I'm fine, the less I have to hear what I should be doing to combat these feelings. I know what I should be doing, what I need to do in order to get my life back together, but I can't. And having someone else give me advice on the subject only fills me with shame because I can't take it. I'm scared, terrified, and so incredibly ashamed of what I've allowed those fears to turn me into.

Maybe my illness is biochemical and has an effect on that, but I have largely brought my problems on myself. I don't have any reason to be this way. I have no past traumas, I was never abused, my parents are still married and very loving towards me. I've been given every opportunity, I was a good student at school, had a great circle of friends, got to travel and worked part-time at a bookstore for three years (basically the perfect place for a bookaholic like me) where I made some of my best friends. I've never wanted for anything, I've never had major issues with body image -- physically, I consider myself relatively good-looking (not a supermodel, mind you, but my appearance is one of the only things I am confident about). I've been encouraged by my family and friends and I've had a passion, writing, to pursue since I was ten. I should not be this way. Anyone looking at that description wouldn't guess that I battle with depression. But despite a reasonably charmed life, I'm little more than a shell. I'm not worthy of the things I have; I've never done anything to merit all of the things I take for granted. I'm wasting away and I can barely bring myself to care. I do what I can to earn my own self-respect. I try to be kind, generous, responsible, tolerant and respectful. I've worked hard, I've kept my nose clean, and I try to have a positive impact on the people around me. I don't know why I feel so undeserving, so hideous inside, when I would never judge anyone as harshly as I judge myself. But I can't help it. I feel insignificant. I don't like to show weakness, don't like to make a fuss. I try to keep out of everyone else's way, which is the only habit of mine that I can actually attribute to anything concrete in my life. I grew up doing my best to keep quiet, because my mom works nights so she sleeps a lot during the day. I learned pretty quickly that tired people = grumpy people, so to this day if she hasn't slept (and she rarely does) it's better to stay out of the way. My parents say I must have a sixth sense for knowing how people are feeling because whenever there's any bad feeling in the room I disappear without anyone noticing I've gone. I don't even make sound when I walk -- I got new boots recently that click when I walk, and it took me weeks not to feel like every time I put my foot down I was hearing an explosion. I'm very good at melting into the background and keeping others at a distance. With me, nobody gets in unless they push. I love getting to know others but a lot of the time I feel like I'm wasting their time if I let out anything personal. I'm not very interesting and VERY screwed up, not exactly an attractive combination.

I just hate hating myself. I wish there was an off switch.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( justfloating ))))))))))))))))

[BeautifullyMistaken]

I hear you on a lot of your points. It's very hard, battling with depression. I always feel like its my fault some how, even though I can't control my feelings. And I hate that very few people know I suffer from depression, because then they assume everything I do or don't do is because of it. Can't I just not want to go somewhere or not want to eat? C'mon! I also feel like I burden people with my constant sadness. Like you---I always say I'm fine, Always. Once in a while I'll get the "you're lying", but I'll stand my ground and deny otherwise. Why put my sadness and emotional pain on someone else? Not to mention, they don't understand anyways. You have a lot of strength, letting people in (previously) and letting them know about your depression and how things are/were going for you...

I judge myself hard as well. I absolutely feel I have ZERO self-worth. I hate myself for many reasons. I hate what I've become (because of depression). I guess everyone else hates it too--As they slam a door in my face. But what can ya do? I keep everyone at bay as well. I really HATE meeting people, but not as much as I hate losing them.

It's difficult...Living with depression. Anything that normally hurts, hurts 10 times as bad for us.

"Nothing is really wrong, it's not a solvable problem, it's just my depression acting up again and turning my life to crap. And I'll admit that what solutions are there, aren't ones I'm ready or want to face."

***

"I just hate hating myself. I wish there was an off switch."
_______

So, nothing is really wrong but you hate hating yourself? Oh? You bludgeon yourself unmercifully at every opportunity and wonder why you hate yourself? But nothing is really wrong? Ya, right.

The malaise that plagues you is not a solvable problem? Okay, but no problem is solvable if you do not want to solve it.

It's just your depression acting up again and turning your life into crap. So, depression is something you view as an integral part of you? Something ever present that will periodically turn your life into crap, because it is unsolvable? Nonetheless, you hate yourself for a problem that is, according to you, unsolvable?

But you know better: "And I'll admit that what solutions are there, aren't ones I'm ready or want to face." So then, you choose to accept the torment and misery you so often describe rather than risk venturing out of your comfort zone to face implementing solutions you recognize are available?

The irony is not that you will fail at school, or in the eyes of your parents and friends. The irony is that you do not have the confidence to try to make your life better, even though you have displayed a fierce determination and iron will to get to where you are now even while experiencing continuous and extreme distress.

I ask your indulgence in two regards. First, look yourself in the eye in a mirror and tell yourself you are a valuable, lovable, caring person capable of great kindness and compassion.

Second, what are the solutions you are not ready to face?

Rooting for you.

[lonegael]

Byzantine has sent you a very good post and has paid you the huge compliment of assuming that you can handle it and his suggestions. I agree with him: I think you can! Self hate is largely a habit, a way of bashing yourself and then saying to life "hey, don't hit me! I'm already doing it!" It's an easy thing to get into when you are depressed, but the habit continues even when your not (general "you" not "justfloating you") feeling depressed perse, and will set you up more easily for another fall in the future.
There is a reason why the Catholic church tried to outlaw self flagellation throughout it's history and actually managed too do just that a long time ago. Abusing oneself is not a healthy, reasoning or constructive habit, but one that causes damage that go far beyond the physical. It's not modesty, it's not really meekness, and it is certainly not a way to avoid making the same mistakes over and over again. For that you need to be able to learn, and learning needs calmness, focus and confidence.
You are so smart, Just Floating. You have a presence in your writing that is beyond your years and a wisdom to match. Dperession doesn't have to be a definition of what you are. Sure, He'd love to be your everything, but I think you could do better. Honestly. Sorry if this sounds like the sermon from Hell. It was not intended to be. Huggs, anyway, and take what you think you can use, OK?

[Berries]

Originally Posted by justfloating

I just hate hating myself. I wish there was an off switch.

(((((((((((Justfloating)))))))))

I am so sorry you are hurting this badly. You say you wish the self-hatred had an off switch. It made me think of something to make this overwhelming task more manageable. Maybe think of it as a dimmer instead of a on/off switch. Try something as simple as writing a list of your positive attributes and turn them into affirmations and read them every day (you don’t even have to believe them at first). I think this will dim the self-hatred a little bit. After you’ve done that, you can take another small step to dim the self-hatred even more. You say you know what to do, you’re just too scared to do it. So break it up into manageable pieces and each piece will dim and dim and dim and someday you will turn the dial completely off.

[Pomegranate]

((((((justfloating))))) my medications make up for at least a half to maybe 75% of my depression. So if you aren't taking meds, consider it. I have tried to get off mine, but whenever I stop I eventually end up in a very bad major depression. I've accepted I'm on them for life. When you talk about how normal your life has been, it seems as though for you medication would be the way to go, or at least start. If you have no reason to be depressed but are, that's sounds biochemical.

Your talk of being quiet, melting into the background, being nice, reminds me of me when I was younger. Stop being NICE. Be yourself. Accept and like yourself - with all your thoughts and all your feelings and all your "imperfections" - just as you are. Once you do that not only can you love you, but you allow others to love the REAL you. Yes, not everyone will like you. But the ones who do will be priceless friends and family.

Take your time and learn to love and care about yourself.
You ARE worth it.

[googley]

((((((justfloating))))))
The depression is lying to you.

[turquoisesea]

(((((justfloating))))))

[idontknow13]

(((((justfloating))))
I second everything Pomegranate wrote! If I remember right, you do take meds but the important part is be yourself, accept and like yourself.
You are a great person, believe it!
If we could only see ourselves as others see us....I care

[Naturefreak]

(((justfloating)))
I wish I could too hun.

[Berries]

(((((((((((justfloating)))))))))))

How are you feeling today? Please keep posting. Are you going to get to go home for Christmas?
Wishing you the best.

[*freak*]

I'm so sorry you're hurting

[turquoisesea]

How are you doing today Rebecca?