originally from my blog, but I figured I might as well make it a post...

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I felt like ramble that…


I wish when people ask me how I’m doing I would answer that “I have an all consuming fiery hatred for myself and if there weren’t so many damn consequences I’d cut myself up” instead of “fine”


Being myself is very painful lately. Though I don’t have much of a choice in the matter. Damn it, being validated was supposed to be a good thing, and in theory it is, but clinging to denial for dear life as a survival technique… while working in the past, is just causing more conflict now. I do not trust the other parts of me, or even myself, constantly on the lookout for betrayal as I’ve been betrayed too many times in the past.


Though despite it all I’m going to keep trying to fulfill my goals for the year. Time doesn’t care about you, and I don’t care if I hate myself anymore…. I can’t wait anymore to love myself in order to take care of myself. To take care of myself is not a matter of care but a matter of avoiding the negative consequences of not caring. In other words… I hate myself but I hate health risks, pressure from others, and lack of progress even more. At least if I do something and still hate myself, at least it’s better then what I’m doing now… that is, being unhealthy on several levels and not doing anything about it.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Kaika

...I don’t care if I hate myself anymore…. I can’t wait anymore to love myself in order to take care of myself.

Brava! Brava! (Well, it's a bit of a personally selfish "Brava!" because this is much the way I approach myself - but it's a real "Brava!" nonetheless.)

[lonegael]

Yes, agreed, rohag!
Also, if you hate health risks, Kaika, some little part of you doesn't hate you. In fact Ii am willing to bet that it's not so much YOU you hate but soemthing about you or something you do.... It might be just as devastating, and just as frustrating, but if there is something in ther helping you avoid hurtful things, that something can be connected to to help you, and that something can grow. I know how it is to hate one'self, hon. Waste of energy, but a powerful drive. I wish you the best in besting it.

[AdamAW]

"I know how it is to hate one'self, hon. Waste of energy, but a powerful drive. I wish you the best in besting it."

Agreed - try not to hate yourself. It is so pointless and unhelpful. So many of us have fallen into this trap at one time or another. Is it that we actually think that it might HELP to yell abuse at ourselves, or is it just that that is the way that we feel? You can certainly be sure that you are not alone in falling into this trap - many of us have been there....

Some of us have come to realize that it just DOESN'T HELP and to try to move on from there....

Maybe we are not the person we would ideally wish to be, but we can (and MUST) accept ourselves for who we are and let go of all of that frustration and confusion.

We need to show ourselves understanding and compassion, as hopefully we would also wish to show to others.

There IS a different way of approaching life, and one's own personal weaknesses. You CAN learn to accept yourself and to try work through your difficulties in a sensible and constructive way if you choose to do so.

Please make that effort - you can do it if you really want to.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Kaika

… At least if I do something and still hate myself, at least it’s better then what I’m doing now… that is, being unhealthy on several levels and not doing anything about it.

(((Kaika)))

I'm not sure that I agree with the others that you are moving forward. But, I'm no expert.

It is wonderful that you're choosing to take care of yourself. Please do continue to take care of yourself. Hopefully, someday, you will acquire some sense of acceptance and self-love. You are in my best thoughts!

Hugs to you

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Kaika )))))))))))))))))

[JayS]

((((((( Kaika )))))))

Thanks everyone for your support.

Even though I really have no reason to believe I'm being watched, I keep getting this persistent feeling that I could be if someone wanted to badly enough. Feeling vulnerable sucks... it really is annoying feeling this way, it makes me want to delete my blog and account, wait a few months, and then register again with a different username. Maybe I'd PM my friends with my new identity here so they know who I am, maybe not.

[lonegael]

Mirla, have you been talking to your P-doc lately? It sounds like your anxiety is getting a wee bit out of control. I mean, anyone could watch any one of us if they wanted badly enough; heck, we don't even have curtains out here on the farm. In my case, I know that the best revenge is that they will suffer excruciating boredom and die of ennui.
It must be terrible to feel so exposed, dear. Please see if you can get in contact with someone who can help you decide how to best deal with it. In the meantime, you're safe with us. Honestly. HUUGGGS

both anxiety and depression are out of control at the moment.

[Tumnus]

Originally Posted by Kaika

Thanks everyone for your support.

Even though I really have no reason to believe I'm being watched, I keep getting this persistent feeling that I could be if someone wanted to badly enough. Feeling vulnerable sucks... it really is annoying feeling this way, it makes me want to delete my blog and account, wait a few months, and then register again with a different username. Maybe I'd PM my friends with my new identity here so they know who I am, maybe not.

Glad I'm not the only one.

[lonegael]

Dear, have you gotten in touch with a pdoc or someone who can help you with the anxiety? I probably don't need to say it, but i know that is h%&& on earth and it's hard to manage the depression with the fear going on. Someone who works with CBT can also be a ot of help with that, in case the meds are out of the question. Thinking of you, and hoping you'll get some peace soon HUUUGGGSSS. Let us know how you're doing!