[Tumnus]

So, the end of this month marks the two-year anniversary of my attempt on my life. January's always a hard month for me, but for the last three years this month has felt like some sort of horrible abyss. I screwed up on the job this weekend and feel like quitting. I'm so disappointed with myself. I am having problems connecting with people the way I want to. I miss the leader I was becoming in high school. That part of me seems to have vanished, though I keep picking up leadership roles as if the old me will come back, then failing (or quitting) because the old me is there in thought only. How can I feel such passion for things and not follow through? I've begun to see all the areas in my life in which I have been asking people to parent me. It's like I finally realized what it means to be an adult and am so ashamed that I haven't been acting like one. I feel like I'm just a self-centered, needy little brat.

Am I doomed to have a miserable January every year for the rest of my life?

Each day we make choices. As long as we may make choices we may choose to change. What does your therapist say?

[lonegael]

Nah, Tumnus. I don't think so. But it takes a bit to decide what one's going to do about it. Huggs, and glad you are here!

[Rohag]

Hi, Tumnus!

Earlier, you posted December was also a rough month for you and that you use a light box. Though the unhappy anniversary comes in January, would it be fair to say this whole two- (three?) month period multiplies triggers for you well beyond normal?

"Forewarned is forearmed." Have you discussed in therapy how you might prepare for this season's trials? I would hope, over time, you would become increasingly adept and navigating the emotions of December-January. May it be!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Tumnus )))))))))))))))

[kebsfroggy]

Oh my dear friend I so remember going through those times. Even now sometimes I try to make myself the other me. It just doesn't happen. Why can't we over come those problems and be our selves again. We use to do it so easily now each little step doesn't help. I finally realized I can never be that other me again. But it still hurts. If you find the answer please pass it along.
((((( Tumnus )))))
kebs

Originally Posted by Tumnus

So, the end of this month marks the two-year anniversary of my attempt on my life. January's always a hard month for me, but for the last three years this month has felt like some sort of horrible abyss. I screwed up on the job this weekend and feel like quitting. I'm so disappointed with myself. I am having problems connecting with people the way I want to. I miss the leader I was becoming in high school. That part of me seems to have vanished, though I keep picking up leadership roles as if the old me will come back, then failing (or quitting) because the old me is there in thought only. How can I feel such passion for things and not follow through? I've begun to see all the areas in my life in which I have been asking people to parent me. It's like I finally realized what it means to be an adult and am so ashamed that I haven't been acting like one. I feel like I'm just a self-centered, needy little brat.

Am I doomed to have a miserable January every year for the rest of my life?

[Tumnus]

Byzantine, haven't asked my T about it. Maybe I will when I see her next week.

Rohag, yes December and January have both been hard for me traditionally, and May, too, for some unknown reason. But I have two particularly powerful triggers now that I didn't used to have, one for Dec. and one for Jan., so these months have been harder than ever for the last few years. They make May, which used to feel like hell on earth, seem easy. I had some extra therapy appts leading up to December, not that it did any good. And I was away from my light box for ten days in December. It doesn't do any good if I don't use it.

Kebs, thank you for understanding, though I'm truly sorry that you do.

Can I just hybernate till late spring?