[phoebe_monkey]

I feel so low I just want to dig a big hole and hide away from everything.

I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I've been off for over a week and I'll have to fill in stupid forms and explain why i was off but i don't want to admit that I got so stressed and depressed that I had suicidal thoughts.

Can't I just hide instead?

Hiding is an option, I suppose. Hiding, however, will not make the concerns you face go away. Hopefully, the professional you will be seeing this week will be able to help you. Harming yourself is not helpful either.

Please continue to post. We will help you as best as we can. Good luck!

[phoebe_monkey]

Hiding is looking like an attractive option right now.

I know that self harming won't help, but it doesn't stop the constant obsessive thoughts about how I could harm myself.

Thanks for posting. You know what the choices are and the consequences of each.

Rooting for you, p m!

[lynn P.]

Hiding is an option, but you can't do it forever LOL. Sorry you're feeling low and sad. Here is a compassionate website and I hope it helps. Where you're feeling stronger, please incorporate exercise in your life- when your body is strong, the mind often follows. Don't worry about going back to work - you'll feel better once you go. Best of luck

http://www.metanoia.org/suicde/ This website is also good for people who are feeling very down and not just for 'S' minded individuals. I use this link often in the Q&A section.

[lonegael]

The problem with hiding is it feels kind of good while you're doing it, but it makes what you are hiding from look so much worse than it is. Then it gets hard to stop hiding. I know it's so hard to do, but go ahead, grab the bull by the horns, and only tell them what they need to know. Huggs and good luck, hon.

[phoebe_monkey]

I guess so, but the only thing I'm good at is hiding away from everyone.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Phoebe Monkey,

I have just started back to work New Years Night after 5 wks off due to getting sever depression after hiding it for years. I didnt want to go back either and I wish I hadn't but thats because of my line of work(autism/challenging behaviour and learning disabilities housing scheme) and also the fact I work aminly with women who all *****. If ya get a chance to read my post you may understand why I wish Ihadn't went back.

I too just wanna hide but I know my flat mate and friends and family wont allow it BIG MEANIES that they are heehee!!

Go abck to work and as Lonegael said just tell them what they need to know. No one in work bar a select few know I tried to committ suicide 4 years ago or aout all the stuff I did when I was young.

Be strong and you will be fine. Good Luck!!!

[phoebe_monkey]

I'm a support worker for kids and teenagers with special needs/complex disabilities so understand what you mean. I'm worried about next week... I'm working tomorrow, have counselling on tues, psychology and psychiatry on wed and then I'm meant to work thurs, fri, sat, sun, mon, tues. Freaking out slightly.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by phoebe_monkey

I'm a support worker for kids and teenagers with special needs/complex disabilities so understand what you mean. I'm worried about next week... I'm working tomorrow, have counselling on tues, psychology and psychiatry on wed and then I'm meant to work thurs, fri, sat, sun, mon, tues. Freaking out slightly.

((((p m))))

I can understand your line of work well. It is stressful and sure helps to keep your cool. Perhaps you can arrange working less hours as you get back into the groove and gain more control over the depression & stress??

In the meantime, be sure to exercise regularly to work out that stress (rather than letting it bubble inside). Meditate, and practice other feel good techniques that award you for moving forward. I hope that things begin moving forward soon and that work becomes less stressful for you.

Best wishes!

[phoebe_monkey]

Got sent home from work. Managed to survive until 11.30am- I was with an easy teenage girl- but then I had to 'have a chat' to my manager about being off and stuff. I told her quite a lot and then I couldn't stop crying. She's really nice and said she would phone and check I'm okay. Asked me if I was able to cope with work today and I told the truth and said no.

It scared me how much I completely broke down in front of my manager... even when I was feeling low last year I always managed to put on a mask at work and pretend I was fine. Now everyone's going to think I'm nuts.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by phoebe_monkey

Got sent home from work. ..It scared me how much I completely broke down in front of my manager... even when I was feeling low last year I always managed to put on a mask at work and pretend I was fine. Now everyone's going to think I'm nuts.

(((p m)))

It sounds like your boss understands what you are going through, and that's great.

Try not to kick yourself for not meeting up to standards you hold of yourself. We are often ridiculously hard upon ourselves with high expectations. Almost everyone in this world has some sympathy and understanding of major depression.

It is scientifically proven that the brain of a depressed person (and animals) is biologically different from those who aren't. Thought processes and memory are slowed. The feel-good neurotransmitters aren't very active at all in depression. The anti-depressants link up to the synapses of our good neurotransmitters in the brain which allows us to feel better. It does take some time, regularity of medicine/s & dosage/s to find the correct treatment and become more emotionally comfortable.

Have you begun working with a counselor yet? Give him/her a call, perhaps you can be seen more frequently in the beginning ~ while you're working on finding the right combo and medicine dosage. Best wishes!

[lonegael]

Very true^^^ Good for you for getting your manger's help when you needed it and good for her for being understanding. Hon, if you work in that business, then you know that it is one of the hardest to keep an even keel in. Burn out is high, and people have even ben known to develop PTSD type symptoms if the client load is from violent areas. I'm sure you manager and those who matter will be very glad that you told them womething was up before the patients were affected. Being depressed is not being "off you rocker". If so, I have never been on my rocker, so I guess that means I don't have one.... Hmmmm.
enough. Proud of you for how you handled it. Now listen to Shez et al. HUGGGS in this hard time.

[lynn P.]

I agree with the others. Good for you for trying to go to work and thank goodness you have an understanding manager. You have a very high stress job that requires you to be the 'giver and helper' to others - this can take a toll on your energy reserves. People in your position don't have an endless supply of energy- they need to refuel and look inward. You can't help others when you also need help. Be good to yourself - eat healthy, do moderate exercise and I highly recommend taking time for peaceful relaxation - which means slow deep breathing exercises or meditation/yoga. It would also be great if you can take time to have FUN and laugh. There's a good series starting tonight Jan 4-6 on PBS at 9:00 on PBS called 'This Emotional Life'. It's advertised here at psychcentral. here's also a website for those who can't watch - I posted this info in depression and general mental health. I hope you feel a little better day by day, load up and refuel.

[Miss Laura]

Awe Phoebe Monkey,

I am sorry you ended up crying, but I guess thr bright side is your not ready to go back just yet no point in pushing yourself is there?

I am glad your boss turned out to be a great listener instead of whatever your mind pictured her to be like regarding why you were off.

As someone on here said to me if I cried it cause I needed it so I am saying that to you, you were obviously needing to cry.

When are you gonna go back to work? What's your boss saying about you going home? This is kinda a positive thing as it means you can try and get better before going back to work too soon

[phoebe_monkey]

Had counselling today. Cried my way through it and my counsellor was really nice and gave me a hug. She just sat with me for ages and told me it was okay to cry.

She said I should go to my doctor tomorrow to get a sick note for work.

My manager phoned this evening to check how I was... told her I was feeling crap and going to doctor tomorrow. I'm to phone her tomorrow.

I'm scared about tomorrow. Hate going to the doctors and I don't know what to say. Then I've got my psychiatrist at 2pm before having to rush to the psychologist at 3pm in a different area of town.

You are doing it, phoebe monkey, you are doing it. Despite the fear and anxiety, you have started the process of making a better life for yourself. Kudos!

[Miss Laura]

Phoebe Monkey,

Talk to your doc and see what s/he says. Your boss sounds cool!!! Think she must know you pretty well and is actually concerned for you.

Least your talking to your doc so hopefully you can take time off for a wee while just to get yourself sorted

Good Luck!!!

[phoebe_monkey]

But I don't know what to say.

My manager is very nice... she's the only person at work I can properly talk to about all this stuff.

My mum totally doesn't understand at all. She couldn't figure out why I cried at work and thinks I should just be 'fine' and go back to work.

It's my birthday in a couple of weeks, but before that I'm meant to be writing an assignment for university. I haven't even started it and it's due on the 15th. Panicking about that too.

[Miss Laura]

Right slow down and breathe!!!

What I was told by a friend and it worked is to write down what I am wanting to tell the doc and ask if the doc would read it. That way you wont get tongue tied or sheepish or forget what you want to say

Also with your Uni work you have plenty of time to do it in.

Your mum prob doesn't understand why you are feeling the way you are.

[phoebe_monkey]

Can't stop panicking.

My doctor won't read stuff i've written down.

Mostly freaking out about the afternoon. My psychiatrist is always late (usually like 20mins late) and the psychologist is based at a hospital thst normally takes me at least 45mins in the bus to get to. Going to get a taxi but I know I'll panic if I'm late.

((((((((((( phoebe monkey ))))))))))))

[lonegael]

((((((((Phoebe)))))))))) Did he or she say why they didn'twant to read it? Hang in there. Huggs. It will be OK.

[phoebe_monkey]

He just says I need to talk.

Had a nightmare about this afternoon- dreamt that I was really late for both of the appointments and missed them both... woke up in a panic.

[lonegael]

Dreams aren't real, dear. You'll be fine. HUGGSS and we'll be there with you in spirit.