More boo-hiss at me

It's been pointed out to me that most of the cruel things I expect people to say, are coming from my own head, and that my fears of being judged by others are unfounded. For reference, see my post in Self-Esteem.

I think I'd have an easier time believing no one would actually *say* those things to me, if people hadn't actually said those things to me previously. Like that guy saying I should sit down, because I'm too fat to walk, when in fact I had just walked 9 miles. That didn't come from my own head. That was a complete stranger judging me on my weight.

It didn't happen to me, but another woman parked in her handicapped space, with her properly issued tag, because of her artificial knee, and then came back out to find a note attached to her windshield: "Other than obesity, what is your handicap?" If it happens to others, it can happen to me too, and similar things have happened.

As far as eating around others, yes there have been judgmental remarks said out loud by other people. But not usually strangers. Family members. I've had them actually take food away from me, saying I don't need it, etc.

Then there was that doctor. I had gone in to urgent care in the morning, and had fasted in case they had to do lab work. Well, by early afternoon I was hungry, and my husband and I asked the nurse if he could go buy me a snack. She said it was OK, but minutes later the doctor came in and said, "It won't hurt you to go hungry. In fact, you could use a little more going hungry."

I'll grant that the most cruel remarks do come from inside my own head, but there have been those that didn't. And that only brings more fear of judgmental people.

As for my husband, I don't know if he feels my pain or not. I asked him for some you-know-what this morning. He works second shift, and has more time in the morning. In response, he complained that he had just sat down, and he wanted to finish the computer game he was playing first. He has no drive for me whatsoever. He says it's ED because he's diabetic (we both are) but truthfully, I wouldn't be attracted to me either. And I don't want it unless he wants it too. I don't want it to be some chore he has to work into his schedule.

Hello, LoveBirdsFlying. Yes, people can be so mean and judgmental. I wish you well on your way to recovery. Good luck.

Hi Love... so sorry you have been the target of so much cruelty. Seems obesity discrimination and abuse remains acceptable in western societies. It is understandable how this would chip at your self esteem. Not fair.

That is so sad that you have been treated with such unfair judgement. I don't know what I would do if I actually HEARD someone say something about me. I am going all on "inside voices" at this point.

Hang in there and try hard to keep your chin up I know it can be really hard most days..but you are so worth it!

Hi, LovebirdsFlying! Have you considered sending your post to whoever is in charge of that urgent care clinic/department?

I reported the doctor. I got an apology from the facility, although not one from the doctor himself. I've checked, and he's still with the facility, but not with Urgent Care. He's in Family Practice instead. I hope he doesn't have any overweight patients.

Lovebirdsflying, people can be so horrid to folks who are overweight. When I lived in southern california, two of my closest friends were big; one had had horrible back infuries, so her activity range was limited, plus she had been assaulted as a child. The other was the tiny one in her family! There were strong genetic faktors in her case that once you'd seen her extended tribe, you understood that this was not a simple "eat-less-excercise-more-issue". I was ammazed how man total strangers felt entitled to walk up to us and start comparing us (I am not obviously overweight and then I was even thinner)and making comments as if my firends had somehow insulted and offended these people.
I suspect that it is a bit of the "I am the master of my fate " mentality so common in our culture that leads to people assuming that if a solution is easy to say, then it is easy to do. The idea that, yes, IF my friend got a personal trainer (how much does THAT cost) completely stiffoperated her back (again, price, complications) and ate 300 calories a day, she might be able to lose weight, but in the end that would be limited by a host of other issues. Improvement is possible and reasonable to expect. Total reduction to normal weight is not, with her, or with my other friend.
You're not here to be a balm for their hypercritical eyes, dear. People have trouble realizing that we, especially women, don't have an entire life worrying about how we present ourselves to THEM. People who have those tendecies are bullys first, whoo have a tendecy to go after the weakest in society. In addition, there is this little narcisisstic idea that it is all about THEM, and of course you should be worried about htat they think, they are so important, and they don't like the way you look. The fact that you might just not care is like afrontal attack oh their being.
I wish I could tell you ignore them, but I know in the end it doesn't work. I am glad that one doctor is not likely to meet you again. H sounds like he should be kicked in the package (my son did that here to a man who imitated my accent while he was checking my son's ears. I had trouble not laughing, couldn't even scold the kid).
My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself, and rember that the most valuable thing about you cannot be seen, only known. Huggs

I'm a lot like your friends. lonegael. I have a genetic predisposition to obesity, and if you put me alongside the other women on my father's side of the family, where it comes from--I'm the smallest one. I'm despairing if I'll ever lose weight, if I can actually starve myself and walk for miles, with no results.

Last night my husband reminded me of something. Since moving to the state of Washington, has anyone attacked me verbally about my weight? Other than that doctor, no. When I lived in Kentucky, I experienced a lot of drive-by harrassments; people yelling something obscene at me from their car. And when I lived in Southern California, people actually walked right up to me and called me fat @$$. Same thing when I lived in Florida and Nebraska. But somehow it hasn't happened in Washington, and I've lived here almost 3 years.

Because ein Claifornia and the South, there is a strong culture that woman are what their bodies are. what our brains or the souls look like is not intresting. We have a value as window dressing. I grew up in central california, and although it is not as bad as LA, it was pretty bad. Althoug I was not over weight (I am square and short coupled which makes me look heavier than I am) My mother had me on diets since I wqs in thrid grade and my PE teachers eeven told a nurse who caliper tested me that she was wrong when the nurse said I hade below normal fat to muscle ratio. In front of me. I could frigging flunk school, but not be pretty and lean, that was unforgivable. One of my friends mentioned had never had problems with such stuf until she moved to Cali. It's not a good place in many respects. Glad you found someplace beter. Huggs!

My husband would certainly agree with your assessment of California. He says that being born and raised in California is the reason he moved to Washington. I wonder where Dr. Jackass is from. He seems not to have gotten the memo that we don't treat people like that here.

I think it works both ways; people who make rude comments have issues with themselves and are projecting, just like people who "pay attention to" stranger's (or even thoughtless friends and relatives) are internalizing someone else's opinion.

The only opinion, thoughts, and feelings that matter are our own. The only way I have found to stop the bad feelings is to do something with/about them. I can't know what someone else is thinking so if they don't say anything, especially if they are a stranger and don't say anything, I have no real communication with them. If I think they are thinking bad thoughts about me, then I switch to myself and what purpose I have for thinking that (since ALL the thoughts I'm having are only my own!). I don't judge myself for thinking other people are thinking I'm fat (I weigh 245 by the way) but I do notice and look at what I'm thinking about, especially if it's bothering me.

First, I am overweight. That's a fact. What does that fact mean to ME? (the other, supposedly judging people are invisible to me by now because I'm focused on me, not them :-) Right now it means I'm struggling to get more exercise in my life but still am spending almost all my time in front of this computer. I've been on here almost 4 hours already this morning and it's only 9:30 :-) That's a conflict, WITHIN ME. I say and think I feel I want more exercise but I sit in front of the computer. My behavior doesn't match my thoughts and supposed desires. I say supposed because if I really wanted to get more exercise, I would.

But I have a history of not liking to do hard things, I was 41 before I learned that taking a class in school was 100% for me, no one else, no one else cared how I did or what I learned. I was in the middle of a midterm exam in accounting and was disappointed because I hadn't studied enough. Eureka! I was disappointed in myself! From then on, in the next 12-15 more classes, I got almost straight A's, a 4.0 in my major and the first classes after the accounting class was the first A I'd EVER gotten! Oh, it wasn't easy! There were times I didn't want to study, didn't want to do the homework, didn't want to finish the class or take the final exam (I was the past master of dropping classes, sometimes right before the final exam!). But I remembered what I had learned (the hard way; I got a B in the accounting class by only 9 points out of over 200 possible; not skipping class the couple times I did and being there to turn in my homework those times would have done it) and made myself do the work.

Now I'm working on losing the weight and exercising. I use to weight 272! Back in 2006. Do I regret that it's almost 4 years and I've only lost 30 pounds? (actually I got down to 226 but have gained back 16 pounds in the last year), that I'm still struggling to figure out how to exercise in a way that will work for me? No. There's no point in beating myself up, there's no eureka in any sense of disappointment in this case. All I can do is keep trying, keep working at eating better/less more often and trying to get more activity into my days.

Back to the current day/time/issue. So, I know what I'm struggling with (no one else can because it's my struggle) and who I am and how I'm doing and who's on first :-) My doctor says to me, "you could use a little more going hungry". My response? "Yeah, I probably could and your mother wears combat boots, doc!"

I would be glad if a doctor said that to me because I'd know he was not the doctor for me. His comment tells me about HIM. That's the only way it helps/informs me, it doesn't tell me a thing about me! I already know I need to eat better/less. I am working on that and that's the best I can do and I'm satisfied with that. Depending on how he would respond to my comment on his mother's boots :-) whether he'd get the message that he spoke without thinking, laugh and apologize, or just look at me, uncertain or angry or whatever would give me more information about him and whether or not I wanted to continue to interact with him as a person.

Why do you go to the grocery store? To shop for groceries. The people along the way are not necessarily part of the package. It's nice when they are pleasant or smile but that's not why you go to the grocery store. Going to the doctor for tests is not that much different. The doctor does the test and tells you its results. He may be pleasant or unpleasant; doesn't change the results. He may be a good explainer or not so good (like my doctor) that doesn't change the results.

If someone is rude TO YOU, let them know what you think/feel. It's a form of communication, what someone says? If it doesn't make "sense" then you say something that asks for clarification or if it feels ugly you express that in what you say back to the person so they know how their words to you struck you, what you thought in return. They may not have thought before they spoke and might turn out to be a wonderful person or their meaning might have gotten garbled so what they said is not what they meant or what you heard or thought. But if they respond negatively, you learn, "hey, I don't think I like this person, I don't want to waste my time and energy trying to communicate with them," and you walk away as soon as you can.

In a nutshell then, exhausting all attempts to get along with rude strangers, don't worry about whether they like me. The important thing is, I don't like them!

I'm currently reading "Self-Esteem Comes In All Sizes." The author addresses a lot of these weight-discrimination issues. The book's basic premise is, if you want to lose weight, fine, but don't wait until you've lost it to feel good about yourself. I just got through reading the part where a neo-nazi, jailed for hate crimes he now says he regrets, was asked what motivated him to hate. He answered, "Looking down on someone else made me feel more important." The author says the same applies to people who mock fat women. She does point out the irony--fat women are condemned as lazy and told we need to get out and take a walk, but when we do, some group of teenage boys yells something obscene out of a passing car. Doesn't exactly encourage us to continue getting out and walking, does it?

I don't keep a scale at home. If I did, I'd be on it every other minute, obsessing. Well, today I discovered to my shock (I'm following a diet for blood sugar control, not for weight control) that I've dropped a dress size. A blouse that used to fit me, hangs on me like a potato sack, while a skirt the next size down fits me quite nicely. Gotta feel good about that. Exact poundage lost, I don't know. I'll most likely find out Monday at the Y.

I of all people feel that I *must* eat right and exercise, not necessarily to lose weight, because that might or might not happen. My body will do what it wants to do. I feel I must, so that people don't have room to criticize. If I'm caught eating one candy bar, it's "See? That's why you're so fat!" But, there I go pleasing people again, so I guess I don't have it all figured out yet.

Congrats on being pro-active to control your blood sugar levels and the bonus of dropping one dress size. Awesome!! You may not have it all figured out yet but you are on the right road. Give yourself credit for that much because it opens the door for more awareness.

A key learning from the Nazi's story is that he was motivated by hate. Feeding the haters with more hate is not going to be satisfying nor will it help you over the long run. Whatever people might think of you, or you think they think about you is of no consequence. Turning the hate back will just add fuel to the flames. You want to kill the flames with kindness. Don't let them see your pain and then say a little prayer for them that they might know more love than hate.

When I was in my early 30's I had gained a large amount of weight and it really effected my self esteem. I was studying to be a missionary evangelist... another lifetime ago... lol.... and I was doing some street preaching in Britton England. In the middle of my story a heckler yelled out, 'If God is so good then why are you so fat.' While it made my heart drop and even well up tears in my eys I didn,t flinch. I looked him in the eye over the crowd of people that had gathered and with a smile on my face I said, 'Because God feeds his children well.' The crowd roared with applause and the heckler bowed his head in shame. I went one step further and started to talk about the gift of self love.

I will admit that afterwards I shed some tears about his comment because it really did sting but with the grace of love and the help of my friends I owned the truth that I am more than my body image. I am and no matter what anyone else thinks of me, the things I believe or how I look, I am a precious beautiful woman. As long as I believe that then no one can hurt me.

Life is always challenging our beliefs in ourselves. Everyday we are faced with people trying to take away our power. We don't need to give it to them. They may sting us but they can't hurt us beyond that. We can always choose a different path and hold strong to our power of self love. To me that is the goal. To love yourself no matter what. Hold your head up high no matter what. Give thanks for being alive with all of its challenges day by day. Celebrate yourself and the gift of life.

I've had similar experiences, seeker. Talking about Jesus to someone, and then they look me up and down, say, "Do you know gluttony is a sin?" and walk away. The thing is, the books I'm reading state that the majority of obese people don't actually eat as compulsively as the general public thinks they do. I don't. I binge occasionally, but I also go through periods where I won't eat because I feel ashamed of being so fat. I don't constantly munch, day in and day out, from sunrise to sunset, like some seem to think obese people do. (Watch an obese character in a made-for-tv movie. They'll be snacking without cessation, or constantly talking about food when they're not eating it.)

You know, I mentioned doctors--I will definitely not see a doctor again if he/she says to me (and it has been said!) "You have to get to where you eat to live, not live to eat." What an insult! As if I have nothing going on in my life except to stuff my face, and it's what I live for!

I get the point about not hating back, but I do think Perna's reminder that what I think of rude people is more important than the condemning opinion they've just expressed of me, is something I need to remember. Not liking someone who is mean enough to mock me, isn't the same as hating them. I've heard, and I believe, that the opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference. You can't hate someone unless you care enough about them that you'd love them if they'd let you. And I need to work on not caring enough about those people to respect their opinion of me.

Nice job handling the heckler.

Good point... about indifference. Not caring what others think is the goal.

I thought I would share another part of my story. Before the heckler incident. I was pretty depressed about my weight. My weight had flip floped most of my life but never was I as heavy as when I went abroad. I had gone through 3 sizes of clothes in a matter of months and could no longer fit into pants at all. I was limited to wearing skirts with shorts underneath to prevent chaffing. I was always a runner and even at that weight I was running 3 to 5 miles a day. Still the weight kept coming on.

One day I decided to go on a fast. I told myself it wasn't to loose weight but rather to hear the voice of God about other things I was questioning in my life. The fast went on for 12 days. Just liquids. Right through the American Thanksgiving no less. lol. It was an amazing experience and I was blessed in awesome ways totally unrelated to my weight concerns. Still at the end of it I was curious to see how much weight I had lost. I was sure it would be significant even though my clothes were fitting pretty much the same as before. I hadn't lost a pound. Not one single solitary pound. How could that be? I was devestated.

It took me a while to sort it out but in the end I realized that as long as I was wraping my self worth around how I looked then the weight was going to stick with me. As long as I felt rejected by others or mocked by others because of my weight, real or not real, then the weight was going to stay. My first mission become clear. Acceptance first. I had to love myself just the way I was. Every last pound of me. I had to see all of me as one complete package and love every bit of the whole package. I had to stop letting my weight define me. Sure others may still have seen my weight and made judgements about me based on it. Gradually it didn't matter what others thought of my size because I wasn't judging myself anymore based on my size. Their looks and comments and 'helpful' advise didn't register anymore. I knew who I was as a person and if others couldn't see past my weight then that was their problem. Not mine.

As you might expect over the next few years the weight started to drop off. At first I didn't even notice until people started to comment. It took a while for me to even register their comments because I had been successful at letting any discussion about my weight go right over my head. Still the weight kept coming off. Looking back I can see some lifestyle changes that contributed for sure but mostly I think it was a change of my attitude about my weight that was the momentum. When it didn't matter to me so much is when the changes started to happen. I was happier and that made me more active. I was happier so I made healthier choices. One thing led to another and none of it had anything to do with body image. It was all about self love and self acceptance.

I am not sure if my story makes any sense to you but I thought it was interesting how our own attitudes about ourself impact how we are effected by other people's perceptions of us. When we don't care how other people view us then we cross over to a place where we can truly love ourselves as we are. Its the self love that ushers in changes in how we feel, how we react, what we do and maybe even in how we process food. It's not always about the food but perhaps more importantly its about how we feel about ourselves. That doesn't excuse other people from making judgements but it makes other people's judgements insignificant.

Sadly, many people take one look at the outside and make thier judgement. I'm sorry that you have experienced the pain of other people's inconsiderate comments. You should know that it is who you are that matters and no ones nasty, rude and crude comments can strip you of your worth and beauty.

((((((lovebirdflying)))))))))))) Thinking of you today with wishes of wellness.

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