What does your depression feel like?

hello guys. I am here because I have experienced depressive mood too. not once, of course. I love my life and never tried to do anything beyond normal.. but still depression or some post depressive mood is around me in a way. I really want to talk to met somebody that can help me easy the conversation I am lacking to have these days. I consider myself very open, communicative and good-hearthed person and saying it I know how other people think of me. That is why I sometimes become used by other people on some rare occasions and if I am not really happy with what I am seeing I might get some sort of deserved revenge. I am 24 years old, Bulgarian that moved to Toronto, Canada four years ago. At earlier time I was living the happy life with no restrictions or realistical responsibilities only studying and friends, and family. Now I have grown up and lost some of my capability to be happy with what you have and not feeling sad for what I had. I have met a boyfriend here and he was almost the person I wanted to be with but he did not wanted that and he said he was going backhome, Turkey when he gets his passport. Family issues, ambition and other stuff. I am basically not even explaining anything. Plus, I went through depression. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and I am a person who looks quite nice which probably speaks that we all humans have all the freedom to loose our emotions and thoughts in all directions.
My only concern is that since I think I have honesty I know prefer to be with the fewest people I trust, my family here, my mom and brother, and not talking more friendly except for school or work with anybody else. I lost trust, I was betrayed, I was a bit hated, felt jealousy and what is next, regret, shame, all that for different moments. And now I really want to do something that will make me live again. I know I am normal there are many great people out there. But I am stuck with googling still my ex, sometimes i block info, sometimes i dont, i dont talk to people who betrayed me, i tried and choose to stay away from everything that bring me any kind of negative memory but although it is an isolation what to do.. I am happy that i am having the family around me, they have the best hearts. And I am selfish... i guess and prefer to think about nothing.. rather than call them and talk to my own family. I also had issues with school. I study computer systems technology and last year two semesters i did not go to my exams finals, i have excuses=reasons some kind for my actions. Ok, lets try to stop till here.. I just need anybody who wants to communicate further, I want to change something, I am not sure that I am not very lazy about any particular change probably I am very much fine with living like that but I just need to talk about similiar things and see where it goes and how it feels about this. Thank you again, my mind was not particulary where i was writing which speaks that i need to be concentrated a bit more ..
have a great day and looking forward to any person who wants to tell me their thoughts too

I do not know why but knowing others suffer makes me feel slightly better. I bring myself up a little bit by reminding myself it can be worse, even when it seems like it cannot be.

John Milton said, "The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven."

The worst part of depression for me is knowing there are steps I can take that have worked in the past to help me get through the worst of it, but instead of putting one foot forward remaining inert in the muck of my own making.

I do not know if my mind is capable of conjuring heaven; I do know it has given me a taste of hell.

to me it feels like an absence of any emotions when it hits me bad or an overwhelming sadness that wont be shaken.
i can have good days and bad days, good days is when i put my mask on and just get on with it until i am alone again.
bad days are when i can just ' be there '.

i have got myself to find peace in loneliness and solitude, there is where i can be me without effecting others or having to be something i am not

I'm very bored and irritable most of the time, with some sadness. Gee, almost sounds like a weather forecast When my alarm goes off in the morning, I try to think of my reason for getting out of bed, other than that I have to. It's so hard when you aren't motivated and you can't think of a reason. But I still have to get up anyway. I guess that's partly why I'm so cranky in the morning. Most of the time, I am also very self-conscious and anxious, which is my anxiety speaking. I've never actually been diagnosed with depression, but I have some of the symptoms.

Between the times when my anxiety is at it's worst, I feel like I'm acting, almost like living someone else's life. I do feel like I'm faking. I've always felt this way. I feel it right now too. It's like I do this to myself for attention from other people. Because I want their affection. So I guess in a way, anxiety = attention and affection from people. They notice and "take care" of me. I don't know.

Alternates between paralysing slowness and "not keeping up" Brutal numbness, and despair, all underlaid with a cold, compact rage. Not nice, not fun.

I like your signature. I too seem to have more empathy and understanding than for myself. And I also felt like a burden to my wife, and it turn out I was; as she left me in November '09. I look back now and really see how much I was missing by trying to avoid the pain; I forgot to live my life. I wish you the best.