[bren]

Why can't things in my life just be slow and easy? Why does life have to be so hard? I see other people happy, and handleing life in a not dramatic way, so why can't I???
My youngest son graduated last weekend, which should mark an end and a beginning of some eras. Not for me, I see every bad thing that could happen. Tony, came out this year, and is now living the life of a gay man. I have no problem with this at all, but I see the trials an tribulations that he will inevitably run into, and I just want to shelter him from everything. I can't and it frustrates me to no end.
now today, we find out that our land lord is saying we are way behind on our rent. We are not!!!!!! We have to find all our canceled checks and stuff, and I have no idea where to look.I know where I put my stuff, but because i have this fear of paying bills, ( they are just really overwhelming to me), my husband takes care of that stuff. I am in a total panic right now, as my husband is gone to a dr.'s appointment.
Now back to graduation, sort of. I have always felt sort of invisable to my family. Being the youngest of ten kids, I sometimes was overlooked. I now know that I matter nothing to my family. I made sure that Tony's announcements went to every one of my family, and NOT ONE person even responded. No cards, no attemdance to graduation (ten miles), no attendance to the open house. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING!!!!!! it is one thing to hurt me by being so self involved, but to hurt my kid. NO NO NO!!!!!! The only thing is, I don't feel strong enough to go head to head with them. I feel utterly weak.
What I really want to do, is curl up in bed and disappear from the world.
if I do what I want, everybody will step in and make me go back into the hospital.
I HATE LIFE!!!!! I HATE IT MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF AND LET ME TELL YOU, THAT IS PRETTY &*()&^% bad!!!!!!!
bren

[Parker10]

I am sorry that you are feeling so bad ! I can certainly imagine your feelings being hurt by no one in your family acknowledging your sons accomplishment, but adding to that, the unfairness of hurting him as well. As adults , sometimes we just have to "divorce" our families, especially if they have hurt us over and over. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and unfortunately it does not sound like your family is going to change. To continue to try to get them to participate in our lives is setting us up to be hurt again.

You sound like a very loving and caring parent ! Focus on continuing to be there for your son (and immediate family), and know that you are a better person than the family who ignored you and your son.

I hope you get the landlord issue straightened out. Right now you sound totally overwhelmed and I hope that really soon, you are feeling better !

Take care of YOU !

[jmo531]

Hi Bren!!

My best friend is a gay man. He has faced many challenges after coming out. To me, having to deal with what he has, I would have fallen apart. Not him though. He tells me that he is stronger then that to give in to the ignorance of others and the judgments they place on him. He is one of the most well adjusted people I know. He surrounds himself with a good support system and I think that is most important.

I understand your anxiety about the landlord situation as well. I have no idea where I would did my cancelled checks out of either. LOL. I would suggest that you call your bank. They keep all the copies of the checks and will provide them to you upon request. So take a deep breathe and relax on that.

Now, your family. I understand your hurt feelings about that but added to your hurt is the fact that your child was affected by their decision not to attend or even recognize this very important event so yur now hurting for your child as well. I agree with Parker. There comes a time when you have to seperate yourself from your family. Realize that they are who they are and move on. Although, I realize that that is alot easier said then done because your always holding on to the hope that they will change their behavior and act "normal". It's hard to let go of that hope because your wanting so badley for them to just act like a family.

I would suggest some couselling. I always find it refreshing to get an outside opinion for my issues because when your in the thick of it, its hard to think clearly. To have an opinion from an outside, unbiased source lets you gain perspective and helps you deal with issues in a more rationale manner. For me anyway. I love my T. She understands me. My issues and my fears. So, maybe this is something you may want to look into.

I wish you the best and please keep posting when needed. Take care.

[bren]

Thank you Jen and Parker-
I appreciate all your coments. It is nice to know that I can come here and still get help with my life.
Jen-I do see a counselor, and he suggested I get on the computer today and vent out some of my garbage. He knows that coming here helps me get through the hard times when he is not really available. My next apointment is the 22nd, so I called him today because that seemed like an eternity away. Between talking to him, writing here, and talking to my MIL, and most of all my hubby, I feel a lot better tonight. I am still freaked out by the whole thing, but at least I know that other people are here for me.

[wisewoman]

I am sorry for all of the sorrow. Mean people stink. I agree that divorce is often the best way to handle this hurt and disappointment over and over again. Keep being there for your son and family and the rest is ancient history. They are losing out, not you or your son, that family who doesn't know how to give a rat's pettutie. Good luck.

[CedarS]