[buttrfli42481]

I am so f'in mad right now! I am almost 29 and have to live with my mom for financial reasons, mine not hers. My daughter also lives with me. Part of my depression is that I can't shut my brain off to go to sleep at a decent time. I often lie in bed for hrs if I try to go early. It is often after 2am before I am able to go to sleep, and then it isn't restfull. I need to be up between 7 and 730 to get my daughter off to school, so my mom thinks it is "helpful" to wake me when she gets the paper at 630. All this does is makes me irritated and angry and then I fall back asleep and wake up around 8 or after, it was 815 this morning. School starts at 825 so she was late again. And she was in a foul mood. It isn't fair to her.
My mom knows I suffer from depression, she just doesn't know what depression does to a person. She thinks that I should be able to go to bed and when I wake up be this happy person. Little does she know that she contributed to it while I was growing up. My dad was court ordered out of the house when I was going into 6th grade. My sisters (I am the middle of 3) were almost constantly at each other, and since mom had to work it was up to me to fix things. I had to make sure, or at least I felt I did, things were a-ok by the time mom got home. I was the glue that held us together. I had very few friends all through school because I didn't have time for them, I had to make sure my sisters were getting along. I can count on one hand the friends I have now, who know about my life.
I am so tired of living this way, it seems like I can't go on anymore. The one thing that keeps me going is my daughter, but then I think of what I am doing to her. She doesn't deserve a mommy who can't function normally.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I just can't "snap" out of being depressed. Thinking about talking to her takes me to an anxiety attack. All I want is to be left alone and allowed to be an adult! Stop treating me like I am a child who needs to be told what to do and when to do it. I did just fine living on my own. I AM NOT A CHILD!!! You made me an adult when I was a child, you now want to make me a child when I am an adult. It doesn't work like that! I am so mad I want to scream!
Sorry for being all over the place. I do that when I am angry. Allow my thoughts to lead.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by buttrfli42481

You made me an adult when I was a child, you now want to make me a child when I am an adult.

Well, Buttrfli42481, your anger may have led you all over the place, but
somehow it interacted with your intelligence to craft that keen summary of your situation. Brava!

Depression can certainly make us worse in many areas, but it may also improve us in others - somewhat like blindness leading to sharper hearing. There may yet be some unseen blessing for your daughter in all this. (I know, some comfort right now... )

Anger, particularly as displayed above in your post, isn't always bad. Go on, allow yourself to vent.

Perhaps your mother would benefit from watching Stanford's Sapolsky On Depression in U.S. (Full Lecture) here:

[(JD)]

I'm sorry you're feeling so angry, and venting it at your mom. Anger is a negative component of depression.
You're an adult, and need to have an adult conversation with your mom...and not one where either of you act out as though you aren't adults.
She must have some reasoning as to why she thinks waking you at that hour is a good thing. Do you have your own alarm clock, so she can rely upon it waking you instead?

Ruminating at bedtime is common. Make a list before bedtime of all the things you "need" to do or think about tomorrow. Remind yourself at night that it's nighttime and there's nothing you can do about any of it right then.
Create a bedtime routine. You might ask your mom's help in this, because remembering and doing need support until it's a good habit.
Choose a good time to begin "heading for bed." Hopefully before midnight at first? Make your list of thoughts and issues. Take a hot bath, or a calming walk... maybe have a small snack (milk helps.) Don't watch any tv or listen to any music that's exciting... nor read any book that is dramatic etc. You get the idea.
Find a good time for doing all this, but I suggest at least an hour before that new "bedtime."
Don't begin any projects, have any arguments, work on anything stressful (like bills) during that hour...it's all about teaching your body it's time for bed.
There are herbal teas that can help. Maybe you've tried some... but valerian, and passion flower in 800 -1000 mg doses (some products are about 60mg and don't do anything but take your money.) Be sure to ask your doctor or pharmacist depending upon the medications you already take.

You can probably google sleep routine for other ideas...
Breathe. Anger gets us no where. I don't see where the anger you have is much more than being angry you aren't feeling well. That will make you feel worse. Yeah, it's miserable to feel unwell, but being angry at yourself isn't a good thing.

[buttrfli42481]

After writing my op, I was thinking and realized that my not being able to sleep stems from abuse I suffered from my now ex-husband. I have gotten my new med and will be taking it this evening with the hopes that it will work.

I saw my t today and we talked about this. We talked about how my mom is more than likely just wanting for me to be getting into a routine for when I am able to go back to work. (I've been off 3mths for a broken foot.) However it is her tone that is condensending. We also discussed how she has reacted to other big issues in my life, and decided that talking to her about my sleep problems would cause me more stress and anxiety.

I use 2 different alarm clocks set for 2 different times, and these normally wake me. I need to work on getting a good bedtime routine down so that I can be a more functional member of society. Baby steps right? I think that once I get on a better sleep schedule, my issues with my mom will get better. Once I start working again, I will feel like I have a purpose to need to sleep.

[Sabrina]

I'm sorry things are so rough. Nothing constructive from me, just support.

[pegasus]

If we get enough sleep we can pretty much deal with anything, I'm glad to hear you have meds and are in therapy. Relatives are not always very understanding of mental health problems especially if they are contributing to the problems.

Keep talking with your T and work through these things. Perhaps write a list of possible changes you can make in the future, something for you to focus on. Maybe start a hobby, plan what you would like to accomplish at work when you go back, save up to move out of home etc. Things can look a whole lot clearer then.

[septum]

First and foremost: .

Alright, now down to business! What you are going through with moving back in with the 'ole mom would make ANYONE (depressed or not) a little upset. I can relate to the role reversal thing; my mom acts like a child if anyone else is around so she can seem 'hip' or something and I have to keep her from spending too much money or doing something dangerous when she's being overly spontaneous. It is rough, I know that.

If you're having a hard time sleeping then I recommend (if you're not already seeing a doctor) to try some OTC sleep medicine like Advil PM--it makes me fall fast asleep. As for your mom I would have a sit down with her and tell her you're under enough stress and are capable of getting your daughter up for school--she has done the mommy thing, so tell her it's your turn.

[lonegael]

Good post, septum! My mom is big into authority; it's her house so she decides who wakes u when, esp. when it concerns the poor, messed up little irrepsonsible one, your's truly. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I can't tell you how much explosive power gets built up in the house when I am there. Here I have had to tell her, nicely, that the mommy job is done for my part, and she can relax and be grandmom instead. Works sometimes.
Bendryl is good for sleep, too, but be aware that it can switch on you and wake you up instead after using it for a while. I believe this is very individual about how this works. HUUGGGGSSSSS.