[Rissie.is.back.]

I have no way to say this, so I figured I'd say it here.

(this is from my inside voice)

" I HATE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE MY LIFE..EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG. WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANT A FRIEND. JUST ONE GOD, PLEASE, JUST ONE. A TRUE ONE. I WANTED TO GO TO SHEPPARD PRATT BUT I CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL I'M HAVING A PANIC ATTACK.....WHY CAN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND AND JUST....CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I CAN'T STAND THIS A MOMENT LONGER.............help me"

Why do you hate yourself?

[Rissie.is.back.]

because i'm always in everyones way...i'm never good enough for them. i dunno what else to do to be good enough. i've tried everything. i'm just giving up now

[Rohag]

*wishing for one, kind, flesh-and-blood soul to cross paths with Rissie and be a true friend*

[Rissie.is.back.]

aw ty so much rohag

Please stop allowing others to define you. You are accountable to yourself. You get to choose your values. You get to choose what is important in your life. You get to choose the path that leads to a life that incorporates your values and what is important to you. You even get to choose what accommodations you will make for your friends.

What is the bases for your perception you are in the way and not good enough? Have you given these bases an objective assessment to determine their viability? What does your therapist say?

You are a valuable person. Tell yourself that. Believe it. Good luck.

[Rissie.is.back.]

ty byz...ill think hard about ur questions and post an answer soon

[lynn09]

(((((Rissie))))) About 35 years or so ago, I was sitting on the couch in my apartment saying pretty much the very same things to myself that you are saying to yourself now. Then I realized that there was one person that had been constantly present through every moment of my life - through all of the great, the mediocre, and the horrible, and knew every detail of my life story. No matter how bad things got this person was ever present even when others turned their backs on me.......that person was me.

I asked myself, "What if I were stranded in some remote place and connecting with others was absolutely impossible?" I realized that since such isolation can occur even (and sometimes especially) when we are surrounded by others, then what was really needed was for me to be my own best friend.

I thought about the terrible things I said to myself about me, having been trained by my abusers to abuse myself for them when they couldn't be present to do it personally. I asked myself, "If I had a friend, how would I feel towards and what I would say to them if they were sitting here now saying such terrible things about themselves?" I knew that I would not condemn and demean them even more - instead, I would empathize, comfort, console, encourage, support, point out all of the good things I could see in and knew about them, and offer them tea and cookies. Why? Because that is what my heart tells me that they need - compassion and understanding, not judgment and condemnation.

If that is what my friend would need from me and what I would gladly do/be for them, then that is what I need; and during those times when no one else is able and/or willing to be a friend and do/be those things for me in order to validate my value and worth, then I must learn to do those things for myself - to stop the self-abuse, and to treat myself with at least as much care, respect, and consideration that I would afford to others.

It isn't about what we or others believe that we do or do not "deserve," but rather what we all need in order to be emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically healthy so as to be a true benefit to ourselves and others.

Please be kind to and gentle with yourself, Rissie - do for yourself what we would do for you to express our care and concern if we could physically be there with you now. lynn09

(P.S.: Well said, (((((Byzantine)))))!)

[Rissie.is.back.]

omg lynn ty so so so so soooo much...this just made my day and my year and my life...it made me cry to see that you care so much..... i would have never seen it that way before....idk how to express in words how thankful i am for you

[No_longer_sane]

I feel exactly the same sometimes, I have a friend at school called Samina, and she lies to me all the time, pretending she goes to wild parties every night, and sleeps with loads of lads, and she pretends she's pregnant, and before she pretended she aborted it by laser =l She orders me around all the time and she's bossy and manipulative and I put up with it because she was different in primary school and I owe her for being my friend, Im surprised she even puts up with me, so Im grateful, the point is, if you need to talk, then PM me, Id love to help, and If you don't want to, then I hope you feel better, and take care x

[continuisimprove]

Rissie,
I think people DO care about you. They love you because you are a person. Unconditional love is not the same thing as unconditional approval, though. If someone is mentally ill, that PERSON is still LOVABLE. However, the specific attitudes and behaviors that are contributing to the mental illness are not APPROVEABLE. Cognitive distortions, self destructive behavior, excessive anxiety, inadequate social life; these need to be changed. These can be disapproved of while still loving the person. You can be unconditionally loved but that doesn't mean that every attitude and behavior has to be approved. If you really hate your life then what you are saying is that you want some parts of your life to change. I hope you understand the difference between wanting and needing change but still loving yourself because you are a person with a mind, a will, and a capacity for social relationships. (and all the other things that people have even when they are not perfect) I wish you would attack the specific negative things about yourself that need to be changed, that I think you don't like, and stop attacking and condemning the WHOLE person.

Thank you, continuisimprove. Cannot say it any better than that.

[lonegael]

Risie, if people are saying that you are always in the way, then it sounds like it's their problem, not yours. No one can be always in the way. I know, I tried as a fullback in soccer for years.-) Lynns lovely post had a lot of good things to say about deciding to treat yourself the way you would treat a friend. Somehow, we get all screwed up about hwat loving ourselves means, and think it means being egotistical. I call it being realistic. There is no way you can be the only person on the planet worth nothing, ergo you are worth something. And if so, worth the same respect you would give anyone else. HUGGS hon. It's a tuff ol'disease and a liar as well.