[Umightknowme007]

Hi guys.. I am new here.. but certainly not new to depression. My ex left me 8 yrs ago for my brothers fiancee. (She was like a sister for 4 yrs, part of the family) He married her a yr later and then decided to sue me for custody of my kids a couple yrs after that. Went on for 2 yrs and cost me more than u can imagine. Ruined my credit.. my life. She is a crazy, alcoholic who hates me (insecurity mostly I would imagine) and has done nothing but harrass me and instigated severe parental alienation for many many yrs. My kids are older now... and all speaking to me. There were a couple yrs they didn't (some of the hardest in my life). My ex has never spoken nicely to me in all these yrs.. because of her.. he can't. She freaks if he even thinks of talking decent to me. The thing is... I cannot.. even after all these yrs.. stop thinking about him. I love him still even with all the awful things he has put me through. We were together for 11 yrs and I wonder.. will I EVER stop this?? Haven't had any relationships really since him, even tho I am a good looking woman w/a great personality. I have had many health problems... in last 20 yrs.. approx 15 major laparotomies, 2 fusion cages in spine, heart probs: atrial fibrillation, PFO, and ASA (atrial septal wall aneurysm) with a metal stint in to close left atrial appendage a yr ago. Very high risk for stroke/heart attack. 3 inch plate w/13 screws in left wrist and .. well.. all of this and more. I don't know how to stop obsessing/thinking about him?? I live on west coast.. He is in midwest and we don't talk.. he won't even talk about the kids welfare.. ever, in all these years. Every song.. every thought is about him. He is unhappy with her.. has told me so, but hasn't left yet. I sometimes feel that when he left, he took part of me with him.. FOR REAL. There is a burning inside of me that aches.. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear... you could hear the ocean. I went into a severe depression for a couple of yrs at least.. (was less than 100 lbs and not much more now even) and lost all my desires to do any of the things I used to enjoy doing.. cooking, reading... etc. I refuse to go on antidepressants... (bad for me.. bad reactions, didn't like how they made me feel) so that's out. Went to a psychiatrist for a few visits couple yrs ago.. nothing. HOW DO I GET OUT Of this funk?? Will I ever stop loving/thinking about him?? HELP please.. someone. I can't sleep.. maybe 3 hours in 5 nights. It's certainly not getting any better?

[Pomegranate]

Welcome to PC. I'm sorry you have had so many difficulties in your life.

Are you in therapy and have you seen a psychiatrist for possible medication? It sounds to my nonprofessional ears like you (at least) need to let go of this man. You need to make a decision to move on in your life. To accept that he will never be a part of your life. What is stopping you from letting go of him?

Yes, letting go and truly and finally admitting to yourself that he will never be in your life will hurt tremendously. But if you seek out help for that and work hard at developing coping skills to deal with your pain and depression, and all your health problems, you will eventually get over it and feel okay again.

Life for many of us does not have a "happily ever after ending." Life is unfair. Life is sometimes happy, sometimes sad, and most often simply so - so. For people like me, an perhaps you, that is/was a very difficult thing to accept and be okay with. Just like accepting someone you love dearly and deeply does not feel that way about you and never will. Time will help you heal and you can choose to learn how to live your real life just as it is right now without constantly thinking of him or feeling the loss of him. You just need to seek all the help you can get, be brave and start taking small steps. Like you just did by posting here. Feel free to PM anytime.

[Umightknowme007]

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

Welcome to PC. I'm sorry you have had so many difficulties in your life.

Are you in therapy and have you seen a psychiatrist for possible medication? It sounds to my nonprofessional ears like you (at least) need to let go of this man. You need to make a decision to move on in your life. To accept that he will never be a part of your life. What is stopping you from letting go of him?

Yes, letting go and truly and finally admitting to yourself that he will never be in your life will hurt tremendously. But if you seek out help for that and work hard at developing coping skills to deal with your pain and depression, and all your health problems, you will eventually get over it and feel okay again.

Life for many of us does not have a "happily ever after ending." Life is unfair. Life is sometimes happy, sometimes sad, and most often simply so - so. For people like me, an perhaps you, that is/was a very difficult thing to accept and be okay with. Just like accepting someone you love dearly and deeply does not feel that way about you and never will. Time will help you heal and you can choose to learn how to live your real life just as it is right now without constantly thinking of him or feeling the loss of him. You just need to seek all the help you can get, be brave and start taking small steps. Like you just did by posting here. Feel free to PM anytime.

Wow.. I hope I am doing this right. TY so much for your awesome words! For the first time in a LONG time.. I just cried. You are so right about everything. SO RIGHT. I know this.. I am 45 now..
I KNOW I have to let go of him! You ask me what is stopping me from letting go of him? I ask you that, because that has been the mystery for 8 yrs. I live a pretty great life.. I work on a deep sea fishing charter boat and am a property manager at my complex and when I leave this apt., I am smiling and seemingly normal. It's when I'm stuck in here (off a lot in the winter) that my mind wanders. Truthfully, I guess that is not totally true as I find myself thinking of him staring out at the pacific ocean in Mexico. My mom always, always, said that time heals all wounds and I always did believe it. Until now..
I am legally disabled, although I work, and am not in any active therapy. I take heart meds and pain meds for many years. (used to abuse, not anymore) I can't tell you how awesome it is to JUST talk to someone about this. I am losing my mind with this no sleep deal that has just started in the last 10 days? I'm never, ever asleep, but never really completely awake. Don't drink, but feel like I'm hungover, in a daze. Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy. Don't want to get back into sleeping pills as that was not a good ending for me years ago. I have such a tolerance that it takes a lot anyway.
Yes, it was very tough to hear your honest and true words, but I needed to hear that. No one has ever said that because I have never told anyone this really. NOW.. just to figure out how to make it happen. ?? Thanks again.. from the heart of my bottom! K

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Umightknowme007!

Relationship advice is not my thing. Many others here can offer you useful insights.

This catches my attention:

Originally Posted by Umightknowme007

HOW DO I GET OUT Of this funk??...I can't sleep.. maybe 3 hours in 5 nights...

I find sleep critical to maintaining any type of rationality and stability. Seeing as you do not want to go on antidepressants, I hope you might be willing to approach the doctors on the sleep/insomnia issue. Improving your sleep, both its duration and quality, will not solve your other problems, but will go far in restoring your emotional/mental capacities to deal with them.

Wishing you ever-increasing serenity

[jennaorgana]

hugs from me

i don't know what else to say... i am so sorry for the pain you've had to endure. just know that things are going to get better... because they have you, you know? they will because they have to.

keep us all updated

[jennaorgana]

time heals almost all wounds. it really does. i mean, having a constant reminder of him in the form of your kids cannot be easy at all....

not to mention you need support with all of your health issues. that cannot be easy.

i just feel for you so much. if only i could reach through the computer and hug you!!

[Pomegranate]

It seems the first thing you need to do is talk to either your family doctor or a psychiatrist about not sleeping. You need some kind of help with that, you can't go that long without sleep and not be adversely affected by it. Getting a good night's sleep is very serious business. I'd start working on that. When you get your sleep right, then maybe therapy or self help books or groups, and posting here at PC, to help you learn to let go of him. And let us know how you are doing and what's going on.

[Umightknowme007]

thx pomegranate and all.... still haven't slept... went to my pain control doctor this am and told her about the last 12 days w/no sleep and she recommended and referred me to someone for a "sleep study"? Has anyone ever been through a sleep study? What happens and do you have to stay there? She wouldn't give me anything stronger.. (I take Lunesta for many years now.. a non narcotic sleeping pill) and.. as I said in my reply to you (btw, how do I go about having that posted?.. I thought it would post automatically?) Or.. can u post it for me.. for now? I think this sleep study is not a quick fix here... and I think... think that's what I need. I believe this is a transient insomnia attack?? I hope! LOL Can't go on much longer like this...Hey.. Pom, I notice you are from the Chicago area? I was born and raised for 42 yrs in a town called McHenry, Illinois. Ever heard of it? I know the area around Chicago pretty well and was just wondering where u were? Ok, well, even though I have had NO sleep, I am feeling a bit better right now, just talking about this! Thank you all for your kind and inspirational words.. You guys ROCK! zTY TY TY ..

[Umightknowme007]

Nevermind about the posting thing.. I see it's there! Duh..