[siempre nada]

There's this girl that I kind of liked, and became friends with during summer school (when my depression was in remission and I was a way more enthusiastic and fun person to be around) When school started me and her remained friends and my affection for her started growing, but I soon began feeling the effects of my depression. I started pushing her away, stumbling over my words and thoughts, and once when I somehow mustered the courage to ask her (and some other friends) to the movies and dinner, I totally ruined it by acting weird, anxious and just crazy in general.

So then one day she saw me walking by myself down the hallways at school( the way I do everyday like a freak) and she ran up to me and asked why I roamed around by myself. "It helps me think" I lied (cause I never confess to anyone that I'm depressed even if they can clearly see it.) And then she told me " You look kind of..creepy walking around by yourself, don't you.. have any friends?" And then she looked at me with this look of...pity and disgust that made me want to just die.. And now I always wonder if there was some way I could revive my friendship with her and maybe even form a relationship with her but my depression really knows how to f**** up my social life..

Anyway, I want to know has anyone else completely screwed up a potential relationship with someone because of their depression? And has depression caused you to become.. well, stupid in a sense? I guess this was another venting post.. but.. please, tell me your stories of failed relationships if you have them. It will make me feel less..alone.

[AShadow721]

Hi. I went to a big high school. But surprisingly, there went very many lesbians or bisexual women, so it was really hard for me to find a potential girl to be in a relationship with. Then when there's these small numbers, there's even fewer good ones to find. I've had a crush on many straight women. It's not very fun, and it makes you feel worse about yourself. I've also had three failed relationships due to my mental health problems, mostly depression when I was a teenager. But I realized that they were never good for me anyway, because they couldn't understand me. I think it's more than your depression here. It sounds also like low-self esteem and maybe a little social awkwardness. It also may be because you just feel different from other people. I have been there myself.

Usually when I am with a bigger crowd, I tend to get quiet. Well, for instance, in high school I hung out with this girl (who is actually my brother-in-law's girlfriend now). Well, I was fine when it was just me and her or my other friends I knew well. But whenever she had some of her other friends over sometimes I could hardly talk at all (it was really just these certain people usually). One time, this other girl actually said something about me and my other best friend right in front of us. She was like "Don't these two ever talk?" or something of that sort, this was about 5-6 years ago. It was very embarrassing.

What help me years before this, was for one going on Paxil and two an exercise/homework my old therapist gave me. She told me to just say hi to 5 people at school in one day. That year, I had the most friends I had ever had, even though I still had problems. But the next school year I didn't put myself out there as much as I had that year, so I started becoming more reserved again.

Anyway, you are not crazy, don't let your depression make you feel like you are. Crazy is only crazy in the observer's eye. People only think things or other people are "crazy" because it's not "normal" to them in particular. Now that I have a child my feelings on this social awkwardness have changed very much. I realized we were all once almost the same. We were all babies at one time and did a lot of the same things. It's hard to feel awkward when you change diapers everyday, and realize everyone around you used to have there diaper changed to, lol.

Anyway, just try to relax and try to talk to the girl again. Or maybe write her note to tell her how you feel, if it feels much more comfortable. Take risks to socialize, try not to feel like you are making a fool of yourself. Your depression may have just kept you quiet for so long that you just feel weird speaking. Either way, if this girl can't understand you, maybe she's not worth the energy. So try telling her the truth. Don't you know how common anxiety and depression are? It's not so crazy, maybe she'll understand.

How are you doing, siempre nada?

[siempre nada]

AShadow721,
Thank you for your story it really helped. This is the first time I've tried any sort of support group, and thus everyone here are victims of my rants. I knew that she was a newly out lesbian which gave me hope, but I don't think much could happen because I'm not even out yet. And now looking back in the past, it seemed as if she truely wanted to help me. I recall her trying to pull me from isolation into social situations, and constantly asking me with a look of concern if I was ok. I think I remember her eyes turning red and watery when I refused to tell her what was bothering me, but I don't know if that was from me or something else..She and I are still friends just not as close. I think until I sort myself out I won't be ready for any kind of real relationship.

And..

Hello Byzantine,
I'm trying the whole socializing thing and its actually kind of working. I've joined the school fashion show and lust putting myself out there distracts me from my..brain? Really I'm trying to get my mind off of her, and other things that make me sad. Attempting to Moving on I suppose..how are you doing?

Good for you.

[CK23]

Siempre Nada I Think it's gr8 that you are putting yourself out there... Depressed or not I believe we all have hi-tech weaponry in our cerebrums to counter the feelings that threaten to swallow us up... While this reaching out to people is a good thing I feel one should not overdo it as well... What I mean is reach out and go out of your way to make contact but also keep your radar open for signs of boredom and lack of interest in your conversation...People make us believe we have a problem with conversation but the truth is entirely opposite... It is rather 'THEIR' own lack of communication skills and bafooney behaviour that forces most of us to keep to ourselves and have depression...I mean just think if everyone was polite and easy to communicate with 'Would there be anyone with depression at all' ? The reason why we have depression is lack of interest despite our sincerity to communicate... When we have a major setback in life like a death of a near one or rejection in the job market we need people who would reach out to us and be supportive if that were the case I believe there would hardly be any depression in this world... So drawing from my experience I advise you to keep up this reaching out exercise but 'REFRAIN' from showing interest if the other person is simply a sourpuss and a mad bafoon who only likes to fool around like a joker and 'haze' people and make fun of them...Such people are not worthy enough to deserve a healthy relationship! Good day to you and Cheers!