[ALANA82]

Hi, I am new here. I self diagnoised myself with depression when I was in high school. I grew up being taught to smile,never cry,never get angry.I actually got told negative things when I was sad or angry about anything.I just recently learned that maybe that has something to do with the fact I cant express feelings in a healthy way. I got used to it.I got used to my feelings and having to bottle them up,not being able to discuss them or even feel them.I grew up believing that THEY needed me to smile.So I did.I smiled when I wanted to cry,I smiled when I wanted to scream,I smiled when I wanted to die.I knew as early as 9 that there was something different about me.But I ignored it because I was taught to.My family didnt discuss mental conditions and emotions.By the time I was 12, I couldnt sleep more then 4 hours a night,and somedays I ONLY wanted to sleep.I started drinking and in one day finished a whole body of vodka.I wouldnt eat and sometimes I would overeat.I would wake up in the morning and I would think about jumping out my second story bedroom window.I would wake up and think how I wish I hadnt.But by this time certien thoughts were normal,so I ignored them.By the time I was in High school I would drink almost everyday.I would eat because if I didnt people would worry.I would smile because I knew nothing else to do.I would get headaches everyday if I had to be around people for more then a few hours at a time.I would go home everyday sick.I started getting more distant and more queit,or I would have sudden burst of HIGHS and be the life of the party.My senior year was the breaking point.A close friend died and I didnt want to live.My family thought I was strong because I was so queit and handling it so well.But in reality I was plotting my death.My sister told me she didnt know what she would do if she lost me,so I stopped plotting.My best friend and my first love started cheating behind my back, that was my breaking point.I wanted to kill them.I turned violent and angry and I no longer could hide it.I no longer could FORCE myself to function or smile.So I went to my school counselar and told her that I thought I was depressed.She told my mother who didnt believe it.She thought I was being dramatic.She took me to a therapist anyways and still thought I was being dramatic.I stopped going to the therapist because it wasnt helping.I hated the meds and I wasnt ready to talk.He would never understand.So every since I have been dealing with it on my own.Somedays I wake up and just think life will get better,I am working towards a future.It will get better and I am happy.Then other mornings like today I have to FORCE myself to get out of bed.I finally decided I needed some change when I got into a relationship with a guy,fell madly in love with him,yet...I couldnt control my emotions.I would get unreasonablly angry over the smallest things.I have even started thinking of hurting myself again and I hadnt done that since I was 18.He and I broke up because he couldnt handle the constant down.The insane emotions and the anger.I have lost the man I love because of something I cant control.So it was time to fix it before I lost more people or I lost my life. I have a two year old...but sometimes I think about just walking away and dieing somewhere.So here I am, seeking help and support.I am still not ready to go back on meds. I am still not ready to go to a therapist and tell them something is wrong with me.But I need t do something.

[CyrusTheVirus]

Hi Alana82,

Welcome to PC, I'm new here myself but I can relate to a some of what you've posted.

It's a big (scary) step admitting you need help but it's good that you've taken a step forward & reached out here. I know you're reluctant to go back on meds or go to therapy but is your GP or health visitor an option? Talking to them doesn't necessarily mean therapy or meds, sometimes they're just an extra bit of support for you.

Take care, Cyrus xx

Welcome, ALANA82. If you have ruled out professional help, what is the plan? What are you going to do?

[carrie-19]

Hi alana
If you feel your not ready to go see a therapist that's ok. Keep posting on here. There's loads of lovely caring people willing to listen and help. Sometimes even venting you may find helps you.
Wishing you all the best,
Carrie xo

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((ALANA82))))

Welcome to PC and thank you for posting. I hear what you are saying and I am sorry you are feeling so bad. Truth is I have felt many things you spoke of. Not allowed to have emotions or feelings and even now, these emotions I have scare me to death because I do not understand them nor do I know what to do with them.

I hear you say you are not ready to see a t, or go on meds but I hope you will really think again. We can support and listen to you and care and encourage you but we cannot diagnose or treat you. You have a two year who depends on you and who needs you. If you walk away and die where will your two year old be? Being there for them is important and making it so they do not feel the way you do would be a reason to get the help you need.

There is nothing wrong with reaching out and getting the help we need. For it takes strength to reach out. It is by no means weakness when we ask for help. I hope you will rethink it and try to get the help. You deserve to be really happy and not just going through the motions. You are worth being heard and being supported.

I am sorry your mother did not take you seriously and thought you were dramatic. It does not sound like you were being dramatic. Those things you were dealing with were a lot for a Senior. You were doing all you knew.

Sometimes when we start therapy, it takes time to built a trust with someone. It does not happen over night. You are smart to not trust until you get to know someone. As far as them not understanding, I think given the chance they would. I never thought anyone would understand me and sometimes I still wonder but I know that I am much farther along now that a couple years. ago.

Meds sometimes work and sometimes do not. It takes time for them to get in our system and for the doc. to know what is going to work for you and what will not. Sometimes we start a med and it is just not the right one. But there are many out there that could help. I know the feeling of not wanting to take them but sometimes they really do help.

I am glad you posted and are here. I hope you will keep reaching out and talking. Know we are listening and we do care. I know it is hard but things will work out. Keep letting us know how you are doing. Sending you gentle hugs.

dps

[trevorzero]

There are a lot of mediocre therapists out there and you shouldn't waste a minute of your time on them. But, if someday you feel you absolutely need to see one, then try and find some people who can offer you their recommendations for a truly gifted therapist. Seek out the very best one that you can find, and then give him or her a chance to be helpful in your life.

[turquoisesea]

I know you're not ready to go to a therapist, but was wondering why?

If you can pinpoint the "why you're not ready", then you can take steps to make yourself ready.
You can also try listing some goals - you said you can't express feelings (that's one of my problems too). Perhaps you can try to write feeling down or express them in a certain way.. maybe drawing with vivid colors, or writing out how you feel and why in a journal.

Making a plan makes these things a lot more manageable.