[ltlredvett]

I have to extend an apology to each and everyone of you that has read and responded to my posts. You see I have used you al and used this board to help perpetuate a deception. Let me explain.

Actually the vast majority of what I have posted on here has been fact.

Fact... I have been battling severe depression.
Fact... I do want to get better and I am seeking help to get better.
Fact... I did originally lose my ex girl friend as a result of my depression
Fact... I do so very much love my ex girlfriend and I miss her terribly which has magnified my depression 10 fold
Fact.... I often think of a way out of my mess

The deception comes in in that I have been acting out inappropriately sexually. I know now that I have done that because I want an escape from my agony, my pain. but the reality is that has only made my pain worse. The incredible shame and humiliation is often more than I can bear. I think of how I hurt my ex girl friend and my heart begins beating so hard I think it is going to beat right out of my chest.

In order to protect myself and to furhter this mask of deception I continued the cover up on htese boards and involved perfect strangers thatwere only trying to help me. I extend my profound apologies to each and every one of you for having done that to you.

I was trying to protest myself. Hoping that this would all go away. Hoping that my ex girlfriend would read the baords and think that I had not done those things. I figured if I was successful in this "cover up", I could put it behind me and move on. but now I know the only way that I can put it behind me is to bear my soul and be truthful.

It is true that I love my ex girlfriend so very much. There is no way to describe the anquish, agony, sense of loss, pain, emotions, sense of failure, humiliation that I am feeling now.

I went with my daughter to the Halloween Store and she was all what we would add to our Halloween display. I couldn't focus or get excited with her as I usually do as I was wondering if I'll make it to Halloween.

God help me. I am so sorry for having deceived each and every one of you. I am so ripped apart because I am like two people. The decent kind person, someone that gives of themsleves, a good father, a good listener, someone caring, compassioante and sensitive. Then there is the lowlife scum that deserves the isolation and punishment that he is going through.

Again, I am so sorry. Please forgive me.

[heidu]

I appreciate your honesty. I am not fond of being decieved but I also think it's alot harder to come clean than to live the lie.
Heidu

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
~ Carl Bard ~

(image)http://us.greet1.yimg.com/img.greetings.yahoo.com/g/img/mmm/himm.gif(/image)

I hope you get the real help that you seek, Vett. Your honesty, although late, is appreciated.

Take care,

Mary Alice

[geekgirl]

Vett...

Your honesty is very much appreciated. I know you hurt, and your desire to heal that hurt is understood. As time goes on, I hope you find the peace you deserve. No one deserves to be isolated.

[LMo]

First of all, Ltlredvett, I'm your bud, ok? That being said, I have to say I really didn't believe you anyway. I thought there had to be more to the story than you were letting on. So, this doesn't come as a surprise, BUT... I'm really proud of you for coming clean, not only to us but more importantly, to yourself. I think this is a superb first step toward understanding yourself, which we all need to do before we can really be a good partner in a relationship.

I believe you are like two people, too -- the first one you mentioned is true (the decent, kind person), but you're off-base on the second -- you're not a lowlife scum; you were just scared and hurt and making some wrong choices in hopes that you would feel better or that she would change her behavior in reaction. Not lowlife scum, though.

Ian is going to be a-ok!

[Peanut61]

No worries as far as I am concerned, especially since I did NOT see any predatory behavior on your part displayed here; like others have said, it sounds like you've been making some bad choices for YOU, in order to try to alleviate how much you are hurting = I think we've all done that, right? Take care, and don't beat yourself up too badly, OK? Your friend, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

[Fuzzybear]

No worries as far as I am concerned, ltlredvett. I hate deceit, but I respect your decision to come clean here. It must have been tough.

~Fuzzy

[ltlredvett]

Thank you all for your understanding. I am just so scared right now. I HATE what I have become. You have no idea. And I am scared of what the rest of my life will be like now that so many people know the truth about me. I mean seriously, try to place yourselves in my shoes. I know full well that I brought this on myself. I was only trying to escape. Doesn't make it right. Some people use drugs or alchol. But, the end result is the same. Total isolation, shame & humiliation. I have mustered so much strength to get through each day for the past two years. I think I am bout tapped out.