[tryingtobeme]

Right now, today I have this sadness inside of me but don't know why. I also feel so lost and confused. Almost like I can't sort out anything in my head. my feelings seem so mixed together. All I want to do, or I have the urge to do is sit and cry all day. I just feel like I need too, but I'm not sure what about.

I do go and see T tonight. I thought maybe something was really bothering me with that, but nothing that I can put my finger one. Again the thoughts and feelings are so mixed I can't tell which is which.

I know I miss my parents. well maybe the one part of me. The adult me knows they are the ones that let the abuse happened, did nothing to report it and claim it just happens with siblings. Please don't anyone hate me for saying that. I believe it was my fault but of course T says it isn't.

Any ways, the other part of me, wants their love, comfort with their arms around me, being there every step of the way in my healing process. That will never happen. They don't accept me and I have abandon them, T would say they abandon me first and I just stopped trying to reconcile with them, which is the best way to go for now.

Also, the other day, I saw these to guys. Both of them I know very well. we will call them A and B. A-has helped me on the spiritual side. I see him often in conjuction with my T. T believes this will help me since I am intersted in the spiritual side. B-he has seen me once in a therapy type setting. We were just talking and he does Marriage and Family counseling.

Both of these, I see every week, at least once. This past time, I wanted both of them. Wanted them in a sexual maybe father way. I'm not sure as the lines of wanting a father figure and feeling I need to have sex with men to get that love are so entwined.

So I guess any of this could be related to me feeling said, lost, confused, and to have mixed feelings. I just feel I don't know what I want anymore. Like I can't do anything right so why should I even try therefore I've lost myself. Who am I??? I don't really know.

Why does everyone hate me??? I am just trying to live my life for what is best for me, and everyone hates me??? WHY, WHY, WHY???

[englishteacher]

First - Big HUG! Maybe a good cry would release some of the tension and confusion you are feeling? Or like you've suggested to me - journaling...maybe you could find what's triggering your current depression and be less confused. I know the confusion and sadness combined make everything seem so hopeless, but you have a pretty nice group of people right here that want to support you and help you heal.

I know how hard it is to let your parents go - even if they are abusive. I'm struggling with the same kind of stuff with my dad. Just remember that you are a good person and it isn't your fault that they were unable or unwilling to protect you and love you the way you DESERVE to be loved and protected. Is there someone else in your life right now that makes you feel safe, loved and protected? Maybe a hug from that person or people would help.

If both the guys you found yourself attracted to are in the mental health field, then it makes a lot of sense that you find them sexually attractive. They are not just men; they also can represent the caretaker that you are seeking. It's sad, but a lot of us equate sex with love. You obviously know better, but it's so much harder to put it all in the right perspective when you are depressed.

Sending you loving support. I hope it goes or went well with the therapist. Don't give up.

[Rohag]

Hi, Tryingtobeme!

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

All I want to do, or I have the urge to do is sit and cry all day. I just feel like I need too, but I'm not sure what about.

May you have a good cry. It may be you'll learn why only after you cry.

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

...I've lost myself. Who am I??? I don't really know.

Observation: At least some people find themselves when they're not looking for themselves.

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

Why does everyone hate me??? I am just trying to live my life for what is best for me, and everyone hates me??? WHY, WHY, WHY???

Who is this "everyone" who "hates" you? Can you narrow it down for us? What is the nature/expression of their hatred?

No need to stress yourself over these questions. You've been through a lot. Rest, cry, complain as much as you need to get to a better place. The dawn comes slowly.

[googley]

(((((((Trying)))))))))

[hopeful57]

i've found myself feeling the same way before..... seems to come and go but i have noticed that it DOES PASS.... i do what i know to do, which for me is talk about it or read something inspirational, exercise.....something i know is for me...or help someone else out....give someone a call, text, email....getting out of my own head....
not sure if you like to read but perhaps you could ask around for helpful literature to look at.
hang in there. hard as it is to hear, pain is opportunity for growth

[tryingtobeme]

Thanks english, rohag, googley for responding to my post.

English - after therapy last night, I feel very exposed. I told my T about the two men. I even lied to him about paying one of them for a counseling session about a year ago. I really find this guy attractive and I could see myself letting something happen with us if we both keep this up. I'm even more confused today than what I was yesterday.

Rohag - true about having a good cry. I usually can sort at my emotions at some point after that happens. Maybe it's a good thing I don't know who I am anymore. I guess I thought I would be better by now and know what I wanted out of life. As far as everyone hating me, I am just a big fat burden to everyone. I feel guilty just posting my feelings on here.

Googley - thank for the hugs. I will pretend they are IRL.

[angie2716]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. You have been through so much. I'm glad your seeing a T. But remember you do have us. I'm sorry about being a day late on replying on your post. I hope everything works out for you hun! And I wish you the best!