Supporting my partner with depression: depression versus irresponsibility

My partner and I have been together for 10 years and the past few years have been brutal. My brother died after suffering through lung cancer and brain cancer, his mom died after a prolonged hospitalization as the result of her heart transplant years earlier, my dad died and suffered from dementia and my mom died, leukemia, COPD... I am sure there are more illnesses, including organs being removed, replaced or just amputated.

Needless to say, we have had a very difficult several years but some how we made it through together.

My mom died most recently in September of 2009 and after that my partner fell into a deep depression.

This January he quit his job and did not tell me for two months. He told me when he ran out of money.

My question is this: Where does depression end and irresponsibility begin? I can understand him not working, we talked at length about his job and I was supportive of him finding any other work (part-time in a shop, working on his own, I did not care). We are lucky because my job is pretty stable and covers our expenses. So we talked about him leaving his job. But I did want him to have some other job to move to because sitting at home alone during a Chicago winter can be the worst thing for depression. Of course, that's exactly what he did. He quit his job Jan 10, told no one and stayed at home alone all day and never told me.

Now I have to completely take care of him. He has no money (no savings, spent all that was in his checking account). He has no health insurance and stopped seeing his therapist when he quit his job... he can be on my insurance but because he waited to long to tell me we have to wait until open enrollment now. So I have to cover his medical expenses in full. I have started going to some therapy with him, partially because as a couple, we are broken. My trust has been really destroyed. He has a past history of not telling me when things have done wrong until they have snowballed so badly that I have to fix them (parking tickets, leading to towing, leading to driver's licence being taken away is a prime example... if he had just paid his parking tickets, it would have been fine).

I don't know what to do. As his friend, I want him to get better. But I am not sure I can be his partner anymore. I just don't know if he is completely irresponsible and the depression is making that worse or if... well, I don't know.

So, where does depression end and irresponsibility begin? I guess there is no answer. I am talking with friends, but we have been a couple of so long that so many friends are mutual that I do not feel comfortable talking about potentially leaving him, though I still want to make sure he gets better. I need to take care of myself during this time as well... and every hour my emotions on this subject are different.

He quit his job Jan 10 and told me March 1... three days before our big and first vacation in the past several years of ER, nursing homes and funerals.

I don't know if I can offer any advice, but I can say that I am in a similar situation as your partner is in. I kind of grapple with the depression vs. irresponsibility question myself. The most pressing feeling I get is: shame, guilt and a paralyzing fear. When I quit my job, I didn't have the guts to tell my boss or family. I pretended to go to work until the boss phoned home asking about my whereabouts and the jig was up.

The pressure to get another job is intense but I have nowhere near the confidence to do it again--the emotional and mental support is not there. Perhaps your partner feels this way? Keeping a job when you feel dead inside is nearly impossible. He/She needs a lot of support and a good nudge in the right direction. Definitely keep the line of communication open and even the most menial PT job is a good job if he/she can do it. Interested in how your situation turns out, please keep us posted.

Hello, vjimw. My thought is for you to make copies of your post for yourself, your friend and the therapist. You could talk about your concerns at the next session you go to. I would not hesitate to ask the therapist if your friend is capable of working. I would expect working may be therapeutic, provided it is within his stress level.

Depression IS an illness, you kind of separate it out from the other illnesses in your post. Your partner is in the throes of an illness that can take a life like a cancer can.
When we get sick (with whatever illnesses) we do/say/don't do/don't say things that could/should preferably get done/said. We act in ways we never would if we weren't sick and hurting from the pain and symtoms of the illness. My partner has had to prop me up with this insideous illness multiple times for multiple years...just like when I wasn't sick, I propped up my partner when stuggling with work or grad school or kids etc. It is kinda what a relationship is about imo.Sorry if I am preaching.

It sounds to me like this situation is temporary. You both have been having a hard time, and this depression was exacerbated.

Feeling like a failure is a vicious cycle, because if you know you're going to fail, you're not likely to try. Chances are, if your partner could get a job, he would feel some success and want to get more. The trouble is doubt of self-worth, most likely. I feel like I would be far more successful if someone actually believed in me. Don't give up on your partner. Even if you end your intimate relationship, you should still talk to them, if you can, if you care. Fear begets failure, and hope begets success.

Your partner needs to talk to someone they trust, but it doesn't have to be a paid therapist. Medication could certainly help. I know I'd be dead by now if it weren't for Wellbutrin. If you do believe in him, let him know. If you don't, go ahead and abandon ship, because if this is just the beginning of him sinking, you'll only go down with him.

In the mean time, whenever he's really bad off, distraction is the name of the game. Whatever one can find to take their mind off their problems.

Best of luck. I wish you both well. I would like to hear more about your situation and offer strategies to help, because I think I understand where he is mentally. Let me know if you're interested. I've done enough ranting for now. Sorry for taking up so much space.

I truly believe from what you posted, that the irresponsiblity you question is a direct result, or bi-product of his major depression episode! It is obvious that he needs his therapist. It also wouldn't be a bad idea for you to go to couples counseling for a bit. He really needs to learn how to take responsiblility for his actions and not blame everything on his depression...although that is easier said than done.

I hope everything works out.

That sounds like a plan! Keep us updated! I wish you the best of luck.