long rambly confusion

I don't know if this has triggers, but better safe than sorry.

I'm so tired and frustrated with this whole situation. I don't remember any more why ... why should I care about anything? why do I continue to function? why do I think it's important to face the world and pretend to be a functional adult?

I just want to cry, but now I can't even do that. I can't eat - I get hungry but then the food makes me ill. I don't sleep well. I don't want to function anymore. I don't want to be pushed by people who love me to get better. I don't want to get better...just leave me alone with my misery. What's the point of getting better? What goes up, must come down...

Sometimes I want to punish the ones that hurt me. Sometimes I want to punish the ones who love me. Sometimes I want to punish everyone, but especially myself. Sometimes I wonder if maybe they are right and I'm just weak...depression is just an excuse because I'm not good enough.

I'm not a good enough mom - I see it all the time. My kids need a strong mother who takes care of them, not a mom that they occasionally have to take care of because she's completely nuts. Sometimes I put my needs ahead of theirs...the same stuff my parents did to me. So who is to blame? and why do I need to blame someone? Isn't enough to blame myself?

I'm driving my husband nuts. He's already stressed by our finances and I'm sure not helping by insisting that I want medication AND therapy. Is it a need or a desire? I don't know any more. I don't care anymore. It all seems pretty pointless.

I don't really trust him any more. I know he thinks he's trying to help, but I'm beginning to think he doesn't even really know me, which is my fault for hiding my crazy from him (as much as possible) for the last 20 years. AFter all, if he had known what was in my insane brain, maybe he would have been smart enough to get far, far away from me a long time ago. How could he possible know me when I don't tell him stuff?

I really hate myself right now. Sometimes I actually wish someone would have me committed. I've never been hospitalized for mental health reasons and I've heard some horror stories, but right now...the hospital sounds like a haven...no responsibility to anyone but myself...the freedom to be as crazy as I want to be because right now, I crave it. I wonder how far down it is possible to go. I wonder what would happen if I just left and became a homeless person wandering the streets.

I can't even make coherent thoughts - bounce, bounce, bounce. Why am I compelled to act normal (whatever the heck normal is)? I don't really feel like keeping my job is that important any more. AFter all, they don't really value me and I'm easily replaced. I don't make that much money and it's so inconsistent that ...well, it just causes problems.

Life is just one big problem after another...so what's the fricking point?

(((englishteacher))) - I usually have a lot to say but for some reason, I can't think of much at this moment. But I just want you to know, I read your post and I hear your frustration. Can you do something everyday that's just for you, that makes you feel good. How about going for a walk. You're an important piece of the puzzle of life and don't under estimate yourself. Btw - do you take vitamin D? - most people are difficient in vitamin D and it plays a role in depression and cancer prevention. I hope you feel better

If the mental hospital is as bad as I have heard -maybe that's what I deserve.

I think you only deserve understanding and compassion.

thanks Lynn

Hey sweetie. I hear you loud and clear. I will say that you are worth it. You are a good mom from what I can tell. And look at your one post of how you helped a child that you knew was having a very hard time.

Also, you have so much good advice for other people. More than what I can think of at the moment. I encourage you to go back and look at the responses you gave to others you have needed support. You certainly have responsed to my posts and always have good advice.

I do understand that giving advice is easier than using that advice on our selves.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

thanks tryingtobe...I see how easy it is to give the advice and it seems very sensible, but I'm not in a very sensible place...it's so much easier to help others and punish myself.

ET, what kind of "hurt myself" are you referring to? SI???

Can you identify a recent trigger, or has this just building for some time?

Please keep us posted...

It just builds and builds...I suppose the downward spiral really started a year ago when I had my teaching contract non-renewed. I felt like such a failure. I never wanted to teach public school in the first place. I only did it so that I could have stable employment and still teach. I quickly discovered that teaching is a very loose interpretation of what is going on in public schools, but I kept at it because my family needed the money. I went back to part-time adjunct work at the local community college - happy teaching, but so unhappy with the way adjuncts are treated and undervalued. Now, I'm so messed up that my teaching is suffering too.

Then before Christmas, my dad and I got into another fight/argument...whatever. Long story short: He called on my b-day (Dec. 1) to say how glad he would be to see me at Christmas with the rest of the family. It's been too long, etc. THEN, he reminded me that there would be a lot of people there and he really wouldn't have a lot of time to spend with me....I would have to share with the step-family. I didn't say anything at the time, but it made me so mad. I live 9 hours away. It's a long drive and I hate making it. I don't enjoy the stepfamily in the first place, so going at all was going to be hard, but when he said that, I just couldn't face it. So, I wrote him a 3 page letter explaining that I couldn't make it because it just hurts too much. I tried to explain why it hurts. In response, I got a nasty 3 page letter from step-mom, who said that my father was in no place to deal with my "poison pen letter" and that she couldn't understand why I had to be so hurtful to him.

Since then, just down, down, down.

ET, oh how I wish I had some golden nuggets of advice for you, wave a magic wand and all would be ok in your world, but alas I cant. However what is apparent to me is your exhaustion both physical and mental at the moment and that must be really hard. Tring to make the simplest of decisions is such a challenge. I admire the fact that you continue to work through all this confusion that must be really difficult.

You spoke about hospitals and your fear and the horror stories you have heard but to be honest with you my experience of hospitalization is only positive, because I am in with a lot of people with the same challenges and many of us are working to the one aim - to get better and manage life on lifes terms.

You do need a rest that is clear and you need to give your mind a break, hard and all as that is.

I wish so badly I could do something to alleviate your growing frustrations.

Paddy

thanks paddy....hospital still sounds really good....but I'm scared of what I will lose if I go to hospital....my job (crappy as it is), the little respect my husband and in-laws have left for me...

oh flagwriter - yeah, I guess it is SI. In the past, I've always just hurt myself mentally, but the farther down I sink, the more ideas I have for hurting myself. Mental torture is just not enough anymore. It's so sick that I want to torture myself in the first place.

What you said about hospitalization is really how I feel about it, as well. I'm pretty sure it's just about getting better, and I've never heard any horror stories. The freedom to stop hiding it all would be lovely. Also, I'm sure it'd be nice with all those people at least pretending to care. On the other hand, I would feel too guilty about the money to focus on getting better. I'm already enough of a burden as it is. As well, there's no booze in hospitals!

The point of life is to enjoy what you can, and endure what you must. Beyond that, it's really too subjective to answer.

I know you're having trouble getting a therapist appointment. I would really recommend that you give it, and medication, a solid effort. They're pretty much the easiest treatments you're going to find. I know I'd be dead by now if it weren't for Wellbutrin. Good luck!

thanks all - crisis has passed for the moment. Don't really know what triggered it and led me down that ugly spiral, but at the moment, I don't care. I feel peaceful and calm and well, not really happy, but not unhappy either....just peaceful.

ET - Now is the time to plan for your next crisis, get things in order and speak to those nearest and dearest to you how you would like to be treated. It is really important that you do this as we all need an emergency check list.

thanks paddy - Hubby and I are still working on getting me on meds. I like the idea of an emergency plan, but I have no idea where to start with that.