=(

Frustrated, so sad, so hard to keep trying at the focus of my life

Just... can't... get it right...

Oh boy...what's going on with you, Turqoisesea? I'm here if you need someone to chat with...

Sorry you are frustrated, turquoisesea.

Dear Turquoisesea, you care so much for others -- how may we care for you? What is the "it" you feel you can't get right?

((((Turquoisesea)))) I hope you feel better soon. On a lighter note - I think I'm going to have to shorten your name. I had to go back 3 times to make sure I spelled your name right lol.

hehee call me "sea" for short =D

The "it" is my major/cello-ing, gotten to a point today I go and try to practice and by 20-30 minutes in I'm just crying and can't keep going anymore. Lesson did NOT help at all - quite the opposite.

I hope things get better.

(((((sea))))) Sorry you're having a hard time. What was going through your mind when you triggered - what was the inner dialogue about your major? Is it that playing the cello is not giving you back what you need? Is it that other issues in your life are interfering with your enjoyment of playing now? Sometimes it helps to kind of "eavesdrop" on the other thoughts running in the background while your directed thinking and concentration is on something else, then jot those random thoughts down. Might help you identify what the trigger is. Hope you feel better soon. lynn09
(P.S.: Thanks for that (((lynn P.))) - I also have to multi-correct sea's name sometimes. )

(((((((((((((((((9turqoisesea))))))))))))))))
we all here for you hugs

Sorry things are so rough for you right now turquoisesea.

(((((((turquoisesea))))))

Hey Lynn, thank you for asking this =D And it's funny when i chose my username I just thought of an image and turquoise is my favorite colour, I didn't think it would be hard to manage! So I'm glad to have a nickname

Anyways,there are several things going through my head when triggered.
1. Cellist does not equal good job.
2. It is very hard to enjoy playing cello now (depression? other things? who knows)
3. I am frustrated at what I sound like and where I am in comparison to others. I used to never compare but now I do more often.
4. Lack of belief in classical music: again, I never THOUGHT, I just did... I have realized that classical music isn't reaching a lot of people and hearing more modern stuff has turned me off to the repetoire at times
5. Because I'm doing cello I'm not doing other things. I feel not mentally stimulated - I see other majors doing things like maths, sciences, reading, computer science, etc LEARNING, THINKING, and I feel my mind turning to mush which drives me up a wall. Also these alternatives offer more potential money as a career prospect

So basically I'm feeling unsure about my choice of major, I'm feeling regret. Other times I still like what I do well enough, but I just am having trouble finding an application for it in real life. I feel I want to be doing something more REAL. Yet I feel stuck in my current position, both money time... and ... I still am connected to cello I've spent many years on it already. Sometimes that time feels like a waste.

Lynn - I'm sorry this got long, I know it can be hard for you to read, thank you for your thoughts and support, I really do appreciate it *hugs*.

Thank you EVERYONE for your support as well

Right - love your name and the color, but it is hard to type sometimes when I'm having one of "those" days.

You've done good, sea! I think you have really identified at least some of your internal conflict! You should print this out and review 1-5 frequently - jot down any other feelings and thoughts you have about each, and about any other aspects of your life, as well. I can't tell you what to do, but I can give you some things to think about.

You say that you feel stuck in your current position due to time and money you have already invested in your current major; think about how you will feel about it 5, 10, 15 years down the road if your heart and soul are not being nourished by what you are doing. If you are going to do something for the rest of your life, you really do need to find your passion and follow your bliss.

There are a number of ways to approach this and you have to find what works best for you - what will net you the greatest rewards (emotionally and financially) with the least amount of stress. Sometimes it's easier to make changes early on - once you are out having to work and support yourself, it can be more difficult to make career changes; so it might be easier for you to make the change now. Or, you may want to go ahead and complete your current degree program, then explore further education in another area that would only require maybe a couple of years depending on what credits you have already accumulated that can be applied to another degree program. Or, you might want to continue with your current program, but add or audit a course in math, science, or whatever else interests you to find out how you feel about it - to find out if the grass really is greener on the other side or if it just appears that way.

Most importantly, you need to be completely honest with yourself about what you think and how you feel about whatever you are doing. There is nothing worse than feeling trapped in a situation - you are not trapped - you do have options, and even if you decide to change career directions, you will always have your music and that will never be a waste whether it provides your livelihood or becomes something you do for pleasure.

Please let me know how you are getting on and if I can be of further support. HUGS to you, too. Your Friendlynn09

Thank you so much

Hard morning, hard last night, but planning on going to a career counselor at the main campus today to talk about it. Have a crazy idea in my head to somehow add a major but I don't think it would work (lack of time and there's only so many credits I can do a semester)... more importantly looking into requirements for grad schools (they cost less and are shorter, generally) to see if I can't get in with a music degree - a friend of mine just did. She did harp and now she's going into some kind of leadership in medicine thing.

I'm probably taking the day off cello, just going to the two classes I have today (BORING).

At the VERY least I'm taking a math and/or computer class next semester. =)

blah really going crazy here. I HATE every class I'm taking this semester minus cello lessons. That's been this way my entire degree and I resent it.

History I dont care about with composer who believe "what the audience thinks and feels doesn't matter"...

So confused... first I feel like I hate my major and want another, then to cope with those feelings I want to practice,... then I'm like STUPID then... just...

bleh such mixed confusing emotions not letting me LIVE

Hi (((((sea))))). The emotional upheaval and confusion are to be expected since you have maintained a particular mindset and direction for so long - although you are dissatisfied with your present situation, still it is familiar and somewhat more comfortable than the unknown. There is no need for you to make any drastic decisions or changes this very moment, so don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself. Now is the time for investigation and exploration - just information gathering so that when the time comes you can make informed decisions that you can feel more confident about. What you are actually doing is changing your perspective on your life and your future - reordering your priorities - so you can expect a bit of mental and emotional confusion before the pieces start falling into place.

Your cello and your music have been near-lifelong companions - old friends you will always be able to turn to for comfort and solace whether you make your living with them or not. What is most important is what they GIVE you, versus what they DEMAND of you - the return that you receive on your investment of time and energy. This is true of everything in life - school, work, relationships, hobbies, etc. So, take a deep breath and just take one step at a time so that you don't become overwhelmed.

Keep posting as you go through all of this so that we can provide you with the reassurance and support you need. We're all pulling for you.lynn09

(((((((((((turquoisesea))))))))))))


Sounds like you're really going through a rough time right now. I don't know if it will help, but my personal philosophy is "no education is ever wasted." In the past three years I've systematically taken (then dropped) Spanish, linguistics, moral philosophy, and logic. I barely passed logic (my brain doesn't work that way apparently ) and linguistics I only found stimulating 20% of the time (and when you're spending 20+ hours/week on linguistics homework, you want to have a wee bit more interest in it than that ). The thing is, even if you hate the course (and for me, I quite often hate my entire degree), what gets me through is that at least you KNOW you hate the course. You can come away knowing EXACTLY why it doesn't work for you, EXACTLY why you can't see yourself doing it for the rest of your life, and it can give you some hints into what kind of stream WOULD interest you. For instance, I learned by taking (and hating) linguistics that I shouldn't take the linguistics option for my degree; I also learned that I am much more suited to literary courses, where I can deal with words and images and stories. And I have learned that I don't REMOTELY care about the history, politics or society of France but that I am so in love with the language that I will even sit through the TERRIBLE lectures and presentations they subject us to here.

My point is, just because you've realized maybe you're not in the right course doesn't mean you're out of options. In fact, you've just opened yourself up to a whole bunch of them. Knowing what you dislike, what doesn't work for you, is just as important as knowing what you DO like. We formulate our desires based on past experience of the negative as much as our yearning for the positive. Maybe cello won't be part of your career. That's fine. You're still coming away with training and hopefully by the end of this, a degree. You don't have to decide anything right now, just let it come to you. Maybe try something new, something you've always wanted to do but didn't, or something you never thought in a million years you could do. And with each experience, remember that whatever your impression, positive or negative, it's always going to be a clue to the person you'll eventually become.

(((((justfloating)))))

wow, amazing and helpful posts lynn and Rebecca, thank you so much!

Lynn - what you said about what is given rather than taken struck a chord with me (no pun intended ). I guess that's the real issue - nothings been coming BACK. So I guess I have to sit tight and ride out the storm to figure out what I want to do about it and if it changes =)

Rebecca: it also helps to think about a class being worth it because you know you DON'T like it! looking at things that way makes things feel much better. I've DEFINITELY been thinking of trying something new next semester at least, hopefully I'll find something =)

Thank you both *hugs*

Hope you get things sorted, turquoisesea.