[turquoisesea]

I don't love music anymore.

I don't want this degree, and I don't know what to do about it.
I don't know what I like anymore, because the past 2-3 years of music has sapped everything out of me.

And then my mind goes "but you've already spent this long on it, might as well finish". I get little bursts of temporary love, remembering what it used to be like.

Just cried for an hour and a half

dont know where to turn what to do

[Mike_J]

I think you should work on being happy and your love of music will reapear (probally never lost it)

[turquoisesea]

Originally Posted by Mike_J

I think you should work on being happy and your love of music will reapear (probally never lost it)

Thank you, your words are actually very wise. I came back online to post an edit to this - after crying for an hour and a half about it I calmed down and I feel much better about it now.

It's almost like extreme mood swings of depression, just suddenly I'll feel SO SAD and depressed about it, so it's really hard to decide what to do next.

I'm still not sure what I want to do. I DO feel very cut off from interesting things here, I want to explore other interests so I'm going to find a way to do that somehow. I also realized today that if I transfered my credits to main campus somehow, I would just about have a major in music already O.o and the possibility of adding a major over there may not be out of the question. Maybe it is, but it's worth a look

[Junerain]

Maybe you could follow your dreams....no matter the cost??

Could you elaborate on the details of your choice/choices?

Thanks then we can all be of better help!!

[turquoisesea]

Originally Posted by Junerain

Maybe you could follow your dreams....no matter the cost??

Could you elaborate on the details of your choice/choices?

Thanks then we can all be of better help!!

One of the problems is I don't know WHAT I want to do. I am not sure what my dreams are. And that's the real problem.

A lot of the time I think music is not for me. I'm currently in a top school in the US for music performance. Some choices I see right now are to continue (I don't know where this would lead - I don't know what jobs and don't know where money will come for graduate studies), try to add a minor to the major so that I could try to do a grad study in that area (which would be interesting but VERY hard to achieve at this point and I'm not sure WHAT i want to minor in), or to transfer to another school/move to main campus on this one and somehow pursue another major altogether! (problem is what major? what job do I want!)

Part of the problem is I don't know how much of this is depression talking. We're always told not to make decisions when depressed, but that's hard if depression lasts for over a year

Thank you so much my dear

[idontknow13]

(((((((turquoisesea)))))
I hope you feel better soon

[Junerain]

If it wasnt your depression talking...if it were the real YOU talking....what would you say??

[justfloating]

((((((((((((turquoisesea))))))))))))

I know what you mean about not knowing if it's you or the depression talking. It's really hard to untangle one from the other. They may not be mutually exclusive. I know for me that French is not my passion, and my depression came on largely as a result of denying myself my true passions, which made me resent French even more, and so on and so forth.

Does your school have a career counselling service? Maybe you could sit down with someone there and try to figure out where you should head now. Have you talked to any of your classmates to get a feel for what other people in your major are going to do after graduation? Maybe you can get some inspiration from them. Remember you're not alone in feeling this way. Plenty of people have no idea where they're headed when they graduate. Some people don't realize what they really want until they're ten years into their careers. There's nothing wrong with shifting paths and exploring your options. My aunt, for example, has had three careers that I can think of off the top of my head, and at 45 she is now VERY well off. I should also add that she doesn't have a university degree. Degrees are important but they don't have to be everything. Life is often times one of the best sources of education.

Good luck

[turquoisesea]

Originally Posted by Junerain

If it wasnt your depression talking...if it were the real YOU talking....what would you say??

If this isn't just my depression making me feel this way, I'd want to find a way to switch over to the main campus , or even another university, to get another degree. The idea of double majoring at this institution is a good one, except for location. Apparently I MIGHT only have to take one or two more classes to get THEIR music major, and I could double major in something else. It woudl take more money but it would be worth it if I came out with a degree i wanted.

However, I don't know WHICH degree to take. But I don't want to wait another year to get started, so I'd have to figure it out over the summer?

I guess there's still confusion but I'd probably not want to finish this degree and move to something else.

[turquoisesea]

Originally Posted by justfloating

((((((((((((turquoisesea))))))))))))

I know what you mean about not knowing if it's you or the depression talking. It's really hard to untangle one from the other. They may not be mutually exclusive. I know for me that French is not my passion, and my depression came on largely as a result of denying myself my true passions, which made me resent French even more, and so on and so forth.

Does your school have a career counselling service? Maybe you could sit down with someone there and try to figure out where you should head now. Have you talked to any of your classmates to get a feel for what other people in your major are going to do after graduation? Maybe you can get some inspiration from them. Remember you're not alone in feeling this way. Plenty of people have no idea where they're headed when they graduate. Some people don't realize what they really want until they're ten years into their careers. There's nothing wrong with shifting paths and exploring your options. My aunt, for example, has had three careers that I can think of off the top of my head, and at 45 she is now VERY well off. I should also add that she doesn't have a university degree. Degrees are important but they don't have to be everything. Life is often times one of the best sources of education.

Good luck

They do have a career counseling service - I made an appointment there last week but there wasn't an opening for 2 weeks x.x so i'm waiting for it to open up. I went to academic support but I only explored the option of adding a minor - which is possible but extremely difficult.
Cello USED to be my passion, I think? but that was before I thought of it as a CAREER, and actually started listening to my playing. I think music school has destroyed my love for music, and that hurts.

It's good to know about your aunt. I guess I'm really worried about making enough money to be happy =)

[turquoisesea]

I'm so depressed because of this...

I've waited over a year to get back into school (because of depression) and now that I'm there again all my class is graduating but I still have 3 more semesters to go. And I don't even want it anymore...

[turquoisesea]

I can't believe how much I'm crying today I just can't stop... I cried for and hour and a half earlier, and now I'm crying again...

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

I can't believe how much I'm crying today I just can't stop... I cried for and hour and a half earlier, and now I'm crying again...

I'm so sorry you feel this way turquoise. I'm afraid that I don't have any words of wisdom for you cos I'm struggling with similar feelings of depression and wondering about my future return to Uni/if it's the right career for me.

I think the career counselling thing is a good idea. Maybe talk to T? Also I find lists help - maybe you could write a list of pros and cons for each of the options open to you eg leave Uni completely, stay with current degree, add minor, add major etc etc? That usually helps clear things up in my head.

Take care turquoise

*Willow*

[turquoisesea]

Thankyou for your comforting words willow
I hope we can both find some way through this. By the way I wanted to let you know I love your screenname.

I'm going to make out a list when I'm a bit more stable (I'm 100% safe but just don't feel like crying more will help ), and also going to send an email to my cello teacher and talk to my T next session. We HAVE talked about it somewhat, but I feel it will help to talk more. T sessions have been amazing lately at least =)

[ruffy]

Same thing happened to me, but not with music. I used to love to paint. Even painted with a professional artist for 5 years then just lost my desire. I dont know why, just no longer inspired. Now I just walk past all my paint supplies and think what a waste of time. I definitely think its chemical, but I havnt been able to get myself back into it. And I was good, you know. Its harder for you, because it sounds to me like you are trying to make a career of it? I wish you the best. We need good musicians. I hope you dont quit. Look at history, some of our best artists had some sort of mental problem. Imagine what a loss it would have been if they hadnt endured to the end. Just a thought.

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

Thankyou for your comforting words willow I hope we can both find some way through this. By the way I wanted to let you know I love your screenname.

Thank you!

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

I'm going to make out a list when I'm a bit more stable (I'm 100% safe but just don't feel like crying more will help ), and also going to send an email to my cello teacher and talk to my T next session. We HAVE talked about it somewhat, but I feel it will help to talk more. T sessions have been amazing lately at least =)

I compartmentalise A LOT, which is both a blessing and a curse at times. It allows me to think logically and list stuff and reach decisions without feeling emotional about the process, but also means that I 'forget' what it is to feel at times. I'm so glad T is helping right now. Sometimes it's so good just to talk it all through out loud even though T doesn't give advice, cos it gets it straight in your head. I miss my T, but even when I was in T, I just talked about stuff as if I was telling someone else's story instead of my own - like the emotion is kept seperate to the facts inside me. Anyway, I'm rambling again! Good luck with the decision. I know it's hard; I struggle just choosing what clothes to wear, let alone something as important as this!! And btw, my mum changed career 4 times, plus having time out for a family, before she found something she really really enjoyed. So even, if you look back and you think you made the wrong decision, it's never the end of the world.

*Willow*

[Envision]

Life is hard. We never really know if we made the right decision, just that we tried to make the best decision we could at the time. I think its the depression talking that you don't like music. Explore your options like your doing, the end of summer gives you a lot of time to look at everything. Things will get better.

I do not know if anyone ever looks at this career manual but it is very good at sorting through your life and career choices.

http://www.cdm.uwaterloo.ca/