[Bubbles33]

I've been depressed and on anti depressants for a year and a half, after a suicide attempt. when it happened i dropped out of school, left the country and went away for a couple months. I returned got back in school, got a boyfriend. But I lost all my friends.. I've slowly pushed everyone away. Not on purpose, I just spent all my time with my boyfriend. He has no problem going out with his friends, but I'll just sit at home. I have no one to call when I'm crying, no one to call when I want to go get food or a movie other than him.

I'm off to university next year and I was so excited to decide, my dad came over and flat out told me he didnt think i was mentally stable enough. I've had problems with my parents for awhile but everything was starting to work out again, but now I have that empty hole in my chest that just can't seemed to be filled. I'm mean to my mom when she tries so hard, and it hurts me but I can't help it. I go from laughing to on the verge of tears in an instant. My boyfriend invited me over for dinner at his house, and I declined. I don't know why I decline, because I knew my mom was out tonight. I guess maybe I was hoping he would push me into talking about why I wasn't going, so I didn't have to ask for help if he was offering it first. I couldn't bring myself to change my mind and go with him even though he said I was more than welcome, even though we both knew I'd be eating a bowl of cereal in a dark kitchen; if i ate at all. The minute he left I couldnt stand it, i just collapsed in tears as this emptiness just started taking over. I was crying because I want to be a kid again, i want to be nice to my mom. I so badly need help but i can't bring myself to ask for it from anyone. I sat here crying alone in a dark bedroom for an hour, I'm ashamed to call my boyfriend, and there is no one else. Crying because I hate feeling like this. Just about everything. I'm moody and I hate it, inside i feel trapped, its like depression took over again and i can't be myself. I'm so scared I'm going to push my boyfriend away, even though we are breaking up for university anyways. The thought of not having him is terrifying, because then I really will be all alone.

I'm in grade 12 and I don't go out on weekends unless he asks me. I'm embarrassed that i spend all my time alone staring out the window, i wish i had places to go but i dont. I used to be so social, going out to parties every weekend, calling lots of people tons of different friends. I havent gone out on a weekend since new years, unless its to his house to watch a movie, usually a saturday night when hes still hungover from the night before.
I even have a therapist but i dont know what to say. i just dont know how to ask for help. Why would I deliberately set myself up for a lonely night again? It just hurts so much inside.

[turquoisesea]

Hey there, this post reminds me of my time in high school somewhat. I never went out - ever, and nobody noticed. I didn't really have any friends. But my depressed feelings were repressed so I wasn't crying and stuff - that came later.

As far as college - I do think your parents might be onto something, college can be tough emotionally and it would be better to start off more stable. However, what are you doing to get better? Are you going to therapy sessions? And the other question is how to get friends in the area and if the boyfriend is staying in that area or leaving?

I've had lots of nights where I only have one person or my boyfriend to call , I guess I also got caught up in his world, but additionally I didn't really have one to start with...

[englishteacher]

I was like that in high school too. I still have trouble making friends. I still get lonely sometimes, but mostly, I find that people disappoint me so I avoid them.

I agree with turquoisesea - are you in therapy? Although it doesn't always seem true, therapy does help. I was better in therapy because my therapist helped me distinguish between reality and my illusion or delusions. I've slipped since I stopped therapy and that's probably why I have no friends - again.

Also, the friends...if you don't go anywhere then it's really hard to meet people. I know that it can be very intimidating and scary to be around people that you don't know, but it can also be a lot of fun if you can stop yourself from worrying about what others are thinking (at least for me). Go places that you would enjoy anyway (for me - it's a bookstore) and bravely strike up a conversation with someone who looks interesting. You might be surprised. (of course, the mommy in me also would like to caution you to be careful with strangers...don't go anywhere with them until you get to know them better, etc. but that doesn't mean you can't meet them in public places with good lighting...lol)

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Bubbles33!

Originally Posted by Bubbles33

I even have a therapist but i dont know what to say. i just dont know how to ask for help.

Your whole post is great -- it says a lot about how you feel, about how you experience your situation.

IF you can find the strength (and we're all here to back you up), you might print out your post and show it to your therapist the next time you meet. That way you break the ice without having to form words on the spot.

Wishing you the recovery of a healthier self!

[1flagwriter]

Sounds as if you might need to make an appointment and look into a meds change!

[Chronic]

I agree with Rohag- this post would be something good to take along to T. If you cant say the words, give it to T to read. That's how I started with my T (and still do). It will help her/him to help you, without you directly asking her if that is too scary for you.

[Lisa Michelle]

Sorry to hear about your pain bubbles. The most I can really say is that you're not alone, I'm in a similar situation, depressed, no friends, moody especially with my mum (I'm living back home and am actually 24 so this isn't right behaviour).
I think I agree with flagwriter, it might be worth looking into a different antidepressant. I'm in the same situation actually, I think mine have bad side effects on me... I just didn't want to 'bother' changing them and experimenting with lots of different ones.
Try to reach out to your therapist a little, if you can.
I think your dad has your best interests in mind when he says he thinks you can't cope with uni. But only YOU know that. It doesn't mean you're not capable of the work, but stress is... a ******. Remember though that university can keep in mind if you're suffering with depression and things. I dropped out of uni due to stress BUT looking back I realise there were special circumstances I could have got, like deadline extensions, lots of things.
Hope you begin to feel a bit better x

Good luck, Bubbles33. I hope you are able to open up to your therapist. As suggested, copying your post for yourself and your therapist to discuss is a great idea. You already know what you are doing is not working. Talk to your therapist and choose a better life.

Be well.