[mommaof3]

Hey all. Little background since I'm new to this area. I am diagnosed mith major depression,borderline,bi polar, genral anixety. *** my friends lovingly say I'm a hot mess.

In any case I am seriously tired of breathing. The depression drags me into the pits of hell where the rage fires me into screaming and yelling at everyone includeing my children. Only for the anxiety to crush me when I try to do something normal.

I look in childhood pictures and all I see is a fake plasted on smile. I have no memories except of being hurt nothing positive do I remmember . Like my wedding day or birth of my 3 kids. I remember nothing.

I am currently in a partial hospital program. On the 2 round of new meds. The first was Geodon and I had serious side effects so now I am going on day #5 with Ablify. She took me off klonipin cause it did nothing after being on it for almost 3 years and switched me to Atavan which does nothing either.

Just the way I feel drags me further into this depressive mess. I am 30yrs old and have been negleted, abused,forgotten, and emotionally depressed my entire life. Do I have a therapist no I have a case worker and yes we talk but the keep saying they are under medicateing me so I learn to deal and handle my emotions. But honestly I have given myself 1 more year. I am just tired of breathing. My kids do not even keep me going any more. I feel like I am slowly turning them into me. My own daughter at 10 is acting like me and is scared to see a T b/c she is scared they will tell her she will be like Mommy. We still set an appointment up for her and told her if she gets help now she will not turn into me. But hey there is still hope that my other 2 do not see and learn for me, right.

Hello, mommaof3. Have you told the treatment team what they are doing is not working? Does your team understand the effect your illness is having on your family?

Maybe you need to be a bit more proactive?

Good luck.

[Lisa Michelle]

mommaof3 I'm sorry to hear things are this difficult. Depression is hell...
I hope the hospital program will help you, once your meds are sorted out that should help (once they find what works for you). I know it feels like you'll never feel better, but I do believe you will.
I recently joined a support group in my town... well I went once and then got scared of going again, but the women I met there said that the support group helped them a LOT. Could you do anything like that?

You said you have a case worker, Im not sure what that is, but I think it would help you to get some therapy so you can talk about all of it. SOmetimes it's just too hard on your own, you don't always have the answers... but somebody else might. It's worth a shot, right? (sorry if it's not possible).

Do you feel capable of doing anything with your children? I think they could be a big part in getting you healthier... I know you say even they aren't keeping you going, and with depression etc that's understandable. But maybe you could try to bond with them, do some activities together as a family? I know you want your daughter to get help, you love her and you don't want your problems to affect her into her adult life.... but don't you think that rather needing a therapist, your daughter needs you much more? (that's not to make you feel bad! I do understand. but I hope you can find something positive in the fact that you have 3 children who want and need you.

I hope you see an improvement with the meds soon. I know your frustration, I'm currently on a med which I think is actually making me worse... just waiting for the docs appt on tues to see if I can switch. But in the meantime I feel dreadful.

[ruffy]

Mommaof three Its not easy raising three children even when you are well. You may be doing a better job than you think! May need to reconsider your Dr. if you were allowed to go three years on the same medication without any improvement. We have not forgotten you
Keep in touch. Glad your getting the help you need. Keep the Docs imformed of how your feeling, be brutally honest and insist that something be done if you feel your not improving. If nothing happens then move on to another Doc. Hope you feel better soon!!!

[mommaof3]

Well I am now living in NJ so I am seeing a different doc and well its just a headache. We told them the other meds were not working and that all they did was up my dosage so my new doc but me on the new meds which so far are not helping.

I try to spend and do things with my kids but after 30mins I am wiped and start snapping or withdraw into myself. Even today for Easter we had a great egg hunt, lazy breakfast but then I was done and the noise and family was too much. Luckily I sent them upstairs to playing before yelling at them.

I'm just tried of fighting yet I keep fighting. I wish someone would just say its ok to stop. Like you do when someone is on hospice care and you tell them its ok to go. This is my 3rd partial hospital, I've been hospitalized once almost 3xs but the 1st time I judge ruled I was to be housebound until x amount of therapy and the 2nd time I refused b/c the nurse lied to be. That was 3 weeks ago when I sat on the couch crying and telling my hubby good bye and he just needs to accept and understand. Well he asked me to give it 1 more chance. So here I am. In more pain then before and just continue to sink each day.I almost told doc how Su I have become but didn't want to be hospitalized for Easter. Instead I told her my SIing has increased, which it has.

I don't see her till next week and my case worker who I think is a LCSW but am not sure is away on vacation til next week as well. So I would have to tell this all to a different person and well yea.

IMO there is no such thing as "just" a headache. You have the right not to suffer pain, and headaches can be so debilitating.

I've found I have much the same kind of problem as you do--I tend to remember only the painful parts, not the happy ones. My mother is exactly the opposite. She's been through hell but she'll talk like her life has been nothing but wonderful. I'm not sure that's any better, because that's denying reality!

I'd suggest sitting down with your children and explaining that Mommy has an illness, and we're all working on ways to help Mommy get better. Understand, please, that it *is* an illness. Not a sin, not a weakness, not a character defect. And part of the reason for your daughter beginning therapy now would be to learn how to cope with the fact that Mommy has an illness.

And I know *exactly* where you're coming from. When my oldest daughter was in second grade, she made a little booklet for school illustrating scenes from her home life. She drew a picture of me right where I usually was. In bed.

As for meds, I just had a complete change last December when my previous antidepressant just up and quit working. For a while there, I was pretty squirelly while I was adjusting to new meds, but I did, and you will too. I've got a lot of good support, here and elsewhere, for going through rough patches like I'm in now, but believe me of all people when I say things *do* get better.

[mommaof3]

well today was a another bad day at my partial program. Dedged up a lot of stuff in group therapy and well in CBT I just wasn't in it too write a letter yet.

Afterwards though I went for my 1st reiki treatment and wow. The closed throat gone from a 10 to a 2(10 being the worst 1 being great)the weight on my cheast went from a 10 to a 1, and I was able to enjoy melself at my Mom's belated Easter dinner. 6 kids running around and 6 adults talking and not once did I need to escape the noise.Definitly better feeling then I ever got off meds. Praying that it lasts for a couple days hoping it lasts longers then that

[findingmyself1005]

mommaof3...i know what exactly you are going through..i had two kids while battling bipolar and depression the depression has really reared its ugly head the most over the last yr and its been a struggle...i went many yrs not being treated so it was many yrs of yelling and screaming and one day i just snapped and it was time to get help...its only now 4 yrs later that ihave seen teh effect that i have had on my kids more my oldest he will be 18 next month ...but he tells me when he gets upset and flies off the hanlde that its becaue i was that way nad hes right that is how i showed them hwo to act when they were growing up...my daughter that is 10 thankfully remembers me more on the calm side as i have been for the last couple months ...it is a long road to finding the right meds...it took me four yrs and a lot of patience and a lot of loss...i lost my kids becaue i couldnt take care of them full time and that kills me even more everyday but i know that i had to work on myself and becaue i never did tings the rikght way when i was told and i let it get so far ut of hand i couldnt do it anymoe on my own andi was divorced by this point so i had to have dad take the kids full time....for my son it had a worse effect on him becaue of the way that his father is and for my daughter thakgod its been good for her ...but i am so scared that my son will end up going down teh same rd if he doesnt stop and remember....it is a very good idea to explain what is going to your kids...so that they dont think its them...as for your dauhter she is just about old enough to understand that depression is a disease i knwo when i told my kids i had to ut in the conext of cancer only becaue we have been expoased to that disease as well...we all wish you luck and are here for you