[estrella]

I always want to be alone; when I can't, I get very upset and throw what I'm told is 'attitude.'
I always feel worthless, unimportant, unwanted, and resented by everyone.
I always prefer to not talk; when I have to, I sound uninterested in the topic.

My mother says that this is not psychological; that I am okay with talking to my brothers, an online friends that makes me happy, but never with her. I can laugh at times, but when I talk to my friends, the things they say rub me the wrong way. I don't like talking to them.

I always think I'm to blame for the things that go on.
I always tell myself that I don't deserve to eat, or to live.
I always tell myself that 'I want to die.'
I am planning the best, pain-free way to end my life.
I'm a waste of space and she would be better off without me ruining her life.

But it's not psychological, is it?

[turquoisesea]

I think alot of what you're describing could be depression.

It really could be a mix of things too, but I think it's worth looking into it. Is there any way you can talk to your family doctor about it? It would be good to get a screening done - the first step I'd suggest (parents willing) is a few tests checking your vitamin levels/hormones/etc to make sure nothing is out of whack there. It may seem silly but low vitamin D levels can cause extreme fatigue, low B levels can cause or worsen depression. Hormone imbalances can cause all SORTS of things.

Once these physical tests are complete you move from there (if nothing comes up you check for psychological things) =)

[Lisa Michelle]

estrella I understand how you feel, but I think these thoughts are part of the illness, and something that you CAN change.
You're not a waste of space, I'm sure you have a lot to offer, but you're struggling (and that's ok, lots of us do!) and you probably just need some help to feel better.. we can't always do it on our own. Are you seeing a therapist or taking any medication?

I'm having rough times with my mum lately too and she called me manipulative today (and other things). I think people sometimes don't understand what the symptoms of depression or other mental illnesses are, and think we choose to behave in certain ways.

It does sound to me like you're suffering from depression. Just because you can talk to your brothers doesn't mean you're fine. SOmetimes we feel more comfortable around different people... especially when we're feeling so vulnerable, some people are just easier to be around than others. It sounds like your mum is perhaps upset that you don't want to talk to her, though. I think mine is upset too that I seem to be in a mood with her a lot lately, she's taken it very personally because she thinks I just don't like her (I think she doesn't like me either b ecause of this) ... but really it's just all the horrible emotions that I can't seem to control.

I recommend you see a doctor, if you haven't already x

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Estrella!

Originally Posted by estrella

I always think I'm to blame for the things that go on.
I always tell myself that I don't deserve to eat, or to live.
I always tell myself that 'I want to die.'
I am planning the best, pain-free way to end my life.
I'm a waste of space and she would be better off without me ruining her life.

Estrella, I think you need to talk to a trained counselor now. Call a crisis line (additional source), see a doctor, do not wait.

[cuterebs22]

It could be, when I was in high school I was so mean to my friends at times. I would get so irritated and they would be upset with me. I didn't want to see any of them or hang out with any of them. I really didn't talk to anyone by my Junior year. I finally went to a doctor and it was depression. Which upset me even more, but now looking back on it, I can see why I was always so irritated and anti-social.
Some people will rub you the wrong way, my sisters did since we were always around each other, but now that I know I am depressed at least I can figure out why I am so irritated with people instead of just being angry all the time.
Go and see a doctor, what's the worst that could happen? You never know, it might help and you will start to want to talk to people again!

[justfloating]

It sounds a lot like depression to me. Nobody other than a qualified professional can give you a diagnosis, can tell you for sure whether or not you have a psychological problem, but as someone who does suffer from depression, I recognize a lot of myself in you. Your mother may mean well but if she's not a professional, she can't say one way or another what your problem is (if by chance she is a mental health professional, she can't give an objective opinion on her own child's mental health anyway). Aside from depression, there could be physical causes for the way you're feeling (a thyroid problem, for example). Your best bet is to get to a doctor and get checked out.

As for parents ... Not wanting to talk to your mother is perfectly natural. Plenty of people don't talk to their parents about their problems. I know I don't. It took me a good six months after my diagnosis of depression to even tell my father that I was sick. If you don't want to talk to your mother, that's fine, but I really think you need to talk to someone. From your post I can tell that you're in a lot of pain. Please see a doctor or a counsellor about the way you've been feeling. You don't have to feel this way; you can be helped! Remember, too, that you're not alone in this.

Please keep us updated on how you're doing.

estrella, look at these and be brutally honest with yourself: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-...e-distortions/

My thought is you would benefit from professional help.

[estrella]

I'll just have to come out and tell her. Thankyou, everyone; especially for that number!

[LoneScout]

"I always tell myself that 'I want to die.'
I am planning the best, pain-free way to end my life.
I'm a waste of space and she would be better off without me ruining her life. "
I thinks so (understatement)
If your friend told you this what would you say?
If you had a son/daughter what would you say?
Basically you are worth it, you are worth living and the wanting to die, I think is an escape. However there is hope, there are many ways to take your life and tons on people that want to help you. I feel like you are on the downward spiral of isolation/loniness/darkness... ect a good start is to get a professional diagnosis (screening for depression) then you know what you are dealing with.
I wish I could take your darkness away and fill it with love, but only you have the power to do this.

[Mike_J]

It sounds like you have the clasic symtoms of depression.

http://psychcentral.com/depquiz.htm

That is a link for an online depression test, I wouldn't concider it 100% accurate, you might want to talk to a Dr.

[semiblond]

Originally Posted by estrella

I always want to be alone; when I can't, I get very upset and throw what I'm told is 'attitude.'
I always feel worthless, unimportant, unwanted, and resented by everyone.
I always prefer to not talk; when I have to, I sound uninterested in the topic.

My mother says that this is not psychological; that I am okay with talking to my brothers, an online friends that makes me happy, but never with her. I can laugh at times, but when I talk to my friends, the things they say rub me the wrong way. I don't like talking to them.

I always think I'm to blame for the things that go on.
I always tell myself that I don't deserve to eat, or to live.
I always tell myself that 'I want to die.'
I am planning the best, pain-free way to end my life.
I'm a waste of space and she would be better off without me ruining her life.

But it's not psychological, is it?

Estrella, I do think that you need to see a professional. It sounds like depression; however, there are so many different things it could be. Please see someone so you can start healing yourself.

Take care ~

[Elana05]

Estrella dear,
This is definitely depression. No one should have to go through this or feel this way. You are very important. Please make sure to get in touch with a councelor or therapist soon. Often our families don't understand, oddly, this can be quite common and it is so hurtful and frustrating when we are in pain but they can't see it at all. However, you wouldn't go to a family member if you had a heart problem either, you would visit a doctor who could diagnose you correctly. Some meds might really help.