[swallowed]

Lately, I have realised that I have no real future planned. Sure, I am going to college, but I don't know what on earth I want to be. There is nothing I am really passionate about in life, there never was anything, and I get the feeling that there never will be. I don't excel in anything in particular. Sure, I seem smart to my parents and some other people with my logic and ideas of things as well as conclusions and solutions, but there isn't a specific thing that I am really good at or want to do in life. I get told to become a doctor because I have an obsession with organs and how they work, including blood and it's uses; the brain is the most fascinating. Despite my "obsession" it's nothing serious to the point where I'll spend hours researching or anything. I just like them, and I enjoy reading on them here and there.
Usually, I get the feeling that I was destined to die earlier in life, or that I was supposed to be a bum because of all that I said before. I was even sent to a behavioral health center my senior year of high school because I had an imaginary friend. They told me I had some form of schizophrenia, gave me meds, kept me for a few more days before sending me on my way and advised me to schedule appointments with a psychiatrist. After a few relapses, and now not even being on the pills anymore, I don't have that friend anymore but I am still biting my nails, have paranoid behavior, and constantly keeping my ears covered for fear that someone could hear my thoughts. I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know how to tell anyone in real life. I am considering telling them what I am telling you, but why do that when I know they are just going to tell me that I should be happy and that I should stay in school and go out more or something. That maybe I should try to find love because it could help, but I don't see how.They don't understand that I don't want to go out more, that I hate my self because of my weight and because of my absurd mindset as well as imagination, and that I feel so dead and useless.
Sometimes, I wonder if I should just commit suicide already, but I don't want to because as much as I hate the life I am leading, I don't want to die. I don't know what to do. I need help. Someone, please, help me. I'm so tired, always tired, and not much of an appetite anymore. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know what to do. I have no more hope. I feel so dead and I don't know what to do anymore.

[SophiaG]

If you feel you need help, you should go get some. Please dont sit in your pain, it's an uncomfortable position. And if you are having suicidal thoughts you ALREADY wish to escape the pain, so...why not use that urge to go seek help and make the pain go away?

I have a friend who has symptoms very similar to yours and she's also in college but she doesnt have an account on Psychcentral.com.

So, i'm going to copy-paste what she has to say to you:

"A lot of people might tell you don’t worry about it, you have plenty of time to figure it out. While that has a grain of truth to it, I know what it feels like to needs to be doing something, to be searching for your passion because you feel as if your life is empty without it. You probably do not WANT to wait, right?

I am interested in a ton of different things, but I don’t know what I want to devote myself to. What would hold my interest for the next five years?

I also have always thought i’m destined to die early. I’m sort of ok with that, yet I do half-make plans for my life after that, just to satisfy everyone else. After all I thought my life was over 3 years ago, and I was wrong about that.

I’ve had similar experiences with hospitals and meds and people telling me things. I guess you could say i have an imaginary friend too. two of them. But that’s another story. We’ve learned to get along and figured out how to live with each other. I am also no longer on medication. But I do think they are needed sometimes.

I also get scared people can hear my thoughts, especially in buildings with high ceilings. But what works for me is memorizing poetry and reciting it when I get those fears. Because the words act as a wall to keep others from hearing my thoughts. And if they do all they will hear is a poem. Or I recite song lyrics in my head. When I run out of those I count backwards from 100. I also have a special ring I wear to keep the shadow people from being able to see me.

I had to forgive myself for existing, for being in the way, for all the things i did that were wrong and all the things I didn’t do and should have, for being overweight or being sick and depressed, for not being who everyone needed me to be. I had to stop hateing myself before life stopped being a burden. Things are still difficult sometimes but life isn’t an unbearable burden anymore.

Part of forgiving yourself is taking care of yourself. Make sure you get enough sleep, enough food. Be gentle with yourself, because we should be gentle and forgiving to all people, even if we need to be firm and not give them another chance we should forgive them in our hearts so the hatred doesn’t eat us away. This is just how I see things.
pm Sophia and ask for my email and we can talk more if you want."

[puzzclar]

Swallowed,
SophiaG is Right!!!! But besides that I have a few more things to add. I am a college student. At first I could not do what I wanted, and I had to take a different path than what I wanted, I have changed majors 3 TIMES. I have about 3 years left. If you don't know what you want to do, Go take an English class, Or Math or just some class that you might enjoy. Or take a Fitness class. OR BOTH!!! Just Do something for yourself. IT HELPS!!!!!!

I too speak to someone who is in my head, I have been suspended from college beacuse of the wrong medication, I have had Major Depressive Disorder for 4.5 years and just recently it changed to Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Features, and GAD. I've been through a hard road.

I took a 1.5 years off from College to Get Professional Help. And Now I get to go back. I reapplyed to the same school and Got in.

It is possible to live with Depression or any mental illness and still have a healthy life. But first you have to get professional help, and take care of yourself. EVEN if you do not feel like it.

Things do improve, They have for me, They WILL FOR YOU!!! Just get some Professioanl help, and even if it takes 12 medications, DO NOT GIVE UP!!! There are things out ther that are worth living for!!! Find something. If you need to PM Me any time, and I am more than willing to talk to you. (I and others have found my signature helpful, Print it off if you need to.)

[swallowed]

Thank you, for reading.
I know that I have to not give up, but it's so hard to get the ambition, the courage.

Swallowed, ever think of being a specialist (as in a doctor)? I mean, there are many in college who don't know what they're doing, but everyone comes along buddy.

And also, just tell someone. Maybe not your parents, as they will naturally be a bit on the overprotective/overreacting side. I told a teacher! Good thing too! Just tell someone!!

Actually swallowed, my significant other is very supportive, but he never went through what I had to go through. Having a loved one, whether friendship or companion for life, will help you out! They will listen and be unbiased! Today, I talked to my love about a few things that I was frustrated about and I felt a lot better! I never expected to feel better, but I did, and that was nice.

Hang on swallowed. You're here for a reason. You have a special purpose in life. You'll move on past these horrible thoughts and feelings and be successful.

Oh and, eat something nice today! For me? Please? Treat yourself to your favorite food, everyone needs to eat!

Take care swallowed!!!!!!