just plain miserable

I'm ... not sure what I am. I've been sitting here trying to figure it out. My mood and my state of mind can change in the space of a second for the tiniest reasons. I guess I'm on kind of a sliding scale, mood-wise. I don't instantly flash from hot to cold, but I still feel myself progressing pretty quickly from one to the other. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

I'm restless. I know that one for sure. I feel like I'm trapped inside my own skin sometimes. I'm not a fan of tight spaces -- I tolerate them, but they generally make me uncomfortable -- and I get this feeling sometimes that feels a lot like I do when I'm in a tight space, restricted, like the air is getting thinner, restless like I need to bang on the walls to get out. Except the tight space I'm stuck in is my own head.

Time feels slowed down too. I know a big part of it is that I HATE my degree. It's going to sound weird, but what I hate most is how indifferent I am to my courses. I don't care enough to be embittered by them, but I don't care enough to take them seriously, I don't care enough to do more than the absolute minimum, to get engaged in class, to do the supplementary readings, nothing. When I'm interested in something, I'll devour it, and I'm interested in a pretty broad range of things. Literature, history, art, philosophy, psychology, politics, music, just about anything except what I'm studying now. What's weird is that as part of my French degree, I've studied just about all of those things. I take French literature, philosophy, history, linguistics, all of which interest me individually but within the frame of this degree, I don't know, I just can't make myself care. I'm in my third year now and there's no way of changing my course so all I can do is either start over (which I can't afford) or plow through it for one more year. It doesn't seem that bad and I keep telling myself the next year will fly by, but the last few months have absolutely dragged. Every second that I'm in the classroom feels like an hour. And yet, with the things I do like, time does fly. I make time every afternoon to write, and I can go for 2-3 hours without noticing time passing until my coffee gets cold.

I'm glad that I have something to be passionate about. I'm glad that no matter how depressed I get, I have yet to lose that particular fire. Sometimes what makes me sad is that I don't have more time to write. It should bother me that doing my homework feels like a waste of time while if I've gotten even a paragraph of my own writing done, I feel like I've had a productive day. I just can't motivate myself to do anything else. I want to, it's just that the thought of any of my school work makes me feel hopeless, hollow and sometimes physically sick. The only reason I haven't dropped out completely is that I NEED an undergraduate degree to get into a creative writing program. I need to survive another year of this -- the dread, the inability to connect with my classmates who are all so much more engaged than me, the boredom, the indifference -- if I want to get to what I REALLY want. Until now, keeping my eye on the bigger prize has seen me through, but every day it gets harder and harder. Even the homesickness has gotten worse. From the beginning I've told myself that I'm Canadian, that just because I'm away from my country doesn't mean I'm cut off from it, that I can and will go back and that after I'm done with my degree I can go back to Canada and never leave again, if that's what I want. All of that used to comfort me through even the worst of my homesickness, but lately it's not helping as much. I miss my friends, my family, my culture. I miss everything about it and I'm just itching to go back, although I still have to get through another month here before I can.

All I want to do is sleep. Sleep and sleep and sleep until I graduate and get the heck out of here.

Hi, Rebecca!

Feels as if your heart is broadcasting on one frequency, the wider world on another, and you're caught in an increasingly exhausting game of station hopping that yields more static than clarity.

I hope you find the strength to battle through to the end of your program. More than that, I hope you find a way to guard the most precious part of yourself from the ravages of that battle.

i can relate to some of the school stress. i made it through. i believe you can too! i hope you can hang on and take care of yourself until you can move on from this stage of life. i'm so glad you haven't lost your passion! that's important for you. i hope you let yourself feel the passion even when it's hard to feel anything at all.

i know things are rough now. i will send you positive energy.

(((((justfloating)))))
It might seem like a very long time, 1 year, but it will pass quickly! It is hard when one doesnt like what they do as their main occupation, we spend so much time at our occupation...but think of the rewards it will bring you.
I am sorry you feel miserable, hopefully it will pass and you will be in great shape for your return to Canada!
Take good care of yourself, Rebecca, you are very much worth it

Hi Rebecca,
My heart goes out to you. Although my story is a little different, I can really relate to how you are feeling. I went back to school in 2000 to study biology and environmental studies and I was so full of hope and excitement (I always wonder where it came from). I made it through my undergraduate - and then crashed. There were so many reasons that I crashed but I went and got a low-paying (customer service) job and got stuck there. Now any kind of low-paying job makes me feel hopeless, hollow and sick to my stomach. It's like I will be stuck there forever - just the feeling of having to do something no part of you wants to do... I have so many interests - art, chemistry, sociology - but I can't seem to get myself to move on any one of them for fear I will lose it again.
But in this case, I commend you for sticking it out. It will lead to better things - and to the area that you really want to be in. However, it sounds like maybe your depression is making it worse. Ugh. I'm so sorry - and know how you feel.
Maybe you've worked out the best way to do it... get by in your classes, focus as much as you can on your writing and the other things you love and be gentle with yourself. Try to get out whenever you can... to open spaces and the places that make you feel a little better.
I know how you feel about the homesick part to. I can't tell you how much I miss Miami right now (my hometown). I keep having this fantasy that I will just buy a ticket and go - and disappear into the mangroves! :P

I am still of the opinion that what you are doing is the critical issue here. You put so much emphasis on life based on an itinerary. Like Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." Live life now instead of waiting until you have your masters and can write full-time. You have put your life on the layaway plan. There is no reason not to enjoy each day instead of viewing it as a drudgery that must be endured.

Oh, I'm not sure what I'd do without PC! I'd be in a much, much darker place, that's for sure. It's great to know I'm not alone and that other people understand. It's great to have a place to vent and get these things off my chest. Thank you all so much!

TheByzantine -- You're totally right. I've been thinking about what you said and I have been trying to fit my life into some kind of schedule. Clearly, that's not working. Dividing everything into "today" and "tomorrow" is only creating a lot of really miserable todays.

I've decided to apply to a couple of writing workshops over the summer. What am I waiting for, really? If it's going to make me happy, I should do it right now. Maybe balancing out the good and the bad will help me cope a little better and get me as excited and enthusiastic about my present as my future.

Excellent! I'm really glad for you. I think this kind of thought can help you through a lot of things. It's REALLY hard to be doing something you find out you actually don't want to do. As you know from my posts, I've felt the same way and am feeling the same way. But maybe there's a way to bring the future a little closer with things like this workshop, and maybe something during school too? Is there any way to incorporate this?

((((Justfloating))))

Good luck, Rebecca.

geh, this sounds like how I feel in school right now. -_-

*hug* I wish I could offer some advice to get you out of your hole but all I can do is say "me too" to make you feel not so alone.