[justfloating]

Whenever I miss a class, I have to fill out a "self-certification of absence." Basically I have to cite which days/courses I missed and the reasons why. As some of you may know, my depression has become rather cyclical. I manage it pretty well most of the time -- and the majority of the time, I don't feel it at all -- but every few weeks or so, I have a handful of bad days where I pretty much drop off the face of the earth and stop functioning completely. I have just come out the other side of one of one of those bad spells and currently, I feel fine. I was just mentioning to someone today how good I feel, actually. It's like all of a sudden, I can breathe again. I'm used to these flare-ups by now and have realized that for the most part, all I can do is wait them out and then try to play as much catch-up as I can in terms of my work. It's stressful, but under control.

I just got an email from my student support office. One of the counsellors there keeps track of the self-certifications and noticed that I'd submitted a few that cited "mental health" as my reason for my absence. She's not my regular counsellor but we have spoken before as she's the student support "intake advisor" who more or less gets a feel for what your problems are, then recommends which counsellor would be the best fit for you in the office. She's also the one that I've gone to when my regular counsellor was away/unavailable and I needed to see someone right away. I haven't felt the need to see my regular counsellor in a few months, because aside from my depression spells, which I just ride out, I'm doing fine. It also usually takes about a week to get in to see her, by which time the depression has usually lifted on its own and I find that I go in to see her with nothing to say. I can't deal with whatever I was feeling while I was depressed unless I'm depressed AT THAT MOMENT. Maybe it's weird, but it's like I'm two totally different people. I don't even fully remember my depression when I feel well, and when I feel depressed, I only have a vague idea of what it's like to feel good. I keep a journal and looking it over, it's like a totally different person wrote those entries.

So now, this counsellor has sent an email asking if I'm feeling better, whether I'd like an appointment with her or my regular counsellor or if there's anything else the office should know/can do to help. I'm just not sure how to reply. Should I go in and see one of them? I feel like I should probably explain, since I did miss a LOT of class during that last bad spell, but at the same time it's a) not something I like to actively think about when I'm feeling well (I really prefer to just get on with my life) and b) I don't feel like there really is a whole lot to talk about. Maybe the last bad spell was some kind of hint that I should see my counsellor again but I honestly don't remember enough about what was going through my mind for it to be particularly helpful now. I'm not sure what I should do. Any thoughts?

Glad to hear your feeling better again, floating. JMO, but I think you should go in and 'touch base' with your counsellor.

Originally Posted by justfloating

As some of you may know, my depression has become rather cyclical. I manage it pretty well most of the time -- and the majority of the time, I don't feel it at all -- but every few weeks or so, I have a handful of bad days where I pretty much drop off the face of the earth and stop functioning completely. I have just come out the other side of one of one of those bad spells and currently, I feel fine.

Do you have a Pdoc? Do they know about the short, cyclical nature of your depression?

Originally Posted by justfloating

I'm used to these flare-ups by now and have realized that for the most part, all I can do is wait them out and then try to play as much catch-up as I can in terms of my work. It's stressful, but under control.

Is it really 'under control' or is it just something you have to deal with?? It sounds like it's really stressful constantly having to play 'catch up' all the time. Do you think the stress of catching up work you missed could possibly be wearing you out which leads to another depressive bout?!

Originally Posted by justfloating

I haven't felt the need to see my regular counsellor in a few months, because aside from my depression spells, which I just ride out, I'm doing fine. It also usually takes about a week to get in to see her, by which time the depression has usually lifted on its own and I find that I go in to see her with nothing to say. I can't deal with whatever I was feeling while I was depressed unless I'm depressed AT THAT MOMENT. Maybe it's weird, but it's like I'm two totally different people. I don't even fully remember my depression when I feel well, and when I feel depressed, I only have a vague idea of what it's like to feel good. I keep a journal and looking it over, it's like a totally different person wrote those entries.

Maybe you could explain this to T and get her feedback? Perhaps she has strategies for preventing the crashes, or can give you a regular session so that you don't have to wait a week or so when you need her?

Originally Posted by justfloating

I feel like I should probably explain, since I did miss a LOT of class during that last bad spell, but at the same time it's a) not something I like to actively think about when I'm feeling well (I really prefer to just get on with my life) and b) I don't feel like there really is a whole lot to talk about.

I know you want to get on with your life, but it sounds like this is really interfering with your ability to do just that.

Originally Posted by justfloating

Maybe the last bad spell was some kind of hint that I should see my counsellor again but I honestly don't remember enough about what was going through my mind for it to be particularly helpful now. I'm not sure what I should do. Any thoughts?

You mentioned earlier about a journal, could you bring that to remind you of how bad you feel when depressed??

Floating. Hope this helps. If not, ignore me!

*Willow*

[SophiaG]

Go get help. It cant hurt you. *hug*

[Elana05]

justfloating,
I think that as far as our mental health (or any health for that matter) is concerned there isn't really any "usual" way of doing things. I mean, we all experience depression a bit differently. You just expressed youself very clearly in that post. Why not make an appointment to see this other counselor and explain just what you have put down here (maybe even take it to show her). That way she might get a better sense of how depression affects you, and maybe she could even then try to get you in for an immediate appointment the next time you begin to feel not so great.

[Alexandria04]

I agree with Weeping Willow. It might help if you go see your therapist, she might have some strategies to keep you from crashing. Do you think maybe you are having these bouts for a certain reason that you could talk to her about? Maybe not, my therapist is always asking me why I feel good or bad on a certain day and I never know. It's not because of an event that has happened that I feel good or bad, I just wake up either feeling good or feeling bad usually, maybe this is the same for you. If not and you think there is something causing these episodes you should definitely go talk to her about it. Even just talking to her about your depression might help, someone with a sympathetic ear you know? While you are there you can explain the situation and what goes on and then hopefully they will understand and it will all be straightened out. I hope you get everything worked out *hugs*

[justfloating]

Well, I have emailed back about setting up an appointment with my counsellor. I'm not sure if I particularly want one because I honestly have no idea what I'm going to say when I get in there. At the moment it's gotten to "occasionally I get so miserable I can't get to classes, then it goes away and things get back to normal until it happen again". Maybe it's pride, maybe it's fear, maybe it's genuinely not knowing what my underlying issues are, but I have really hit a point where I just don't want to talk about it any more. I feel like I've talked myself in circles and while it does feel good to vent, eventually I'm just going to have to accept that maybe there is something chemically wrong with my brain that I may very well have to live with. The other side of the coin, of course, is that I know I've been as vulnerable as I ever will be with my counsellor or anyone else. She's been a HUGE help -- she got me through some serious issues with my parents and helped me learn to value myself and my own judgements, as well as to be more assertive in my daily interactions. That on its own has helped lift my depression from unliveable to at least a bearable level. Even if I wanted to open up further, I don't think I have the capacity to do it. There are just some doors I'm not prepared to open, not with anyone, not even within my journal. Until I can -- if I ever can -- I don't really see how much help counselling is going to be.

I'm not sure if this makes sense, I'm just a little on edge today I guess...