[Blue93]

All my youth getting beat and r&ped was normal for me. One of the daily things you just had to go trough.
Then I'm 14.. 'father' almost kills me... 'mother' aint much better and we enter the world of fostercare.. You think it gets better... it doesnt...
Brother gets sick.. we finally get a good fosterfamily.. But abuse continues even though its 'just' at school now... I lose sight in one eye thanks to fosterparents... December 2009 brother gets sick again... Few month later he dies... leukemia.. World collapses around me.. Start of new schoolyear 2009-2010 bastard gets caught cause appereantly i told someone when i was in shock or something. March 2010 I get beat up by those b*stards again and i dont know but i can only assume its got to do with the whole abuse group from my.. what i thought was my past anyway.
But now im lying here again with a broken leg, few broken ribs, and a... bruised? wrist.. Is there hope... i dont think so
Whenever i get my hopes up for a 'normal' life something happens .... again

I wonder why i should even keep trying any longer.

sorry for my whining. im just .. empty. i dont know anymore.

[angie2716]

I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this! I wish I knew what I could say to help you. I've not been through as much as you but just know that we are here for you! Just hang in there. Do you have a T? Hugs...( If that's ok )

[Blue93]

had a T .. didnt help.. she agreed
so im not seeing one atm

[angie2716]

Oh ok. I can understand that. I hope things get better for you. Are you on any meds?

[NuckingFutz]

Hey Blue, it gets better when you get away from the perpetrators they call the foster care system. You who heal physically now but you will have a lot of emotional healing to do. This is a good place to start. I hope you heal up soon with the leg and the ribs. Those people need to be in jail!

[Choson]

I'm sorry to hear that you've been through so much.
I wonder why some people have to suffer so much, what is the reason?
I feel your pain of wanting a "normal life" and not being to achieve that.
It's very frustrating and depressing because we know we deserve it and is so hard when we feel it will always be out of reach.
Trust me, I feel lost and empty too, let's both try to hang in there.
I'll pray for that you get better soon....

Hello, Blue93. Do the thugs that beat you up ever get prosecuted?

[Blue93]

Originally Posted by Choson

and is so hard when we feel it will always be out of reach.

exactly...

[Blue93]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, Blue93. Do the thugs that beat you up ever get prosecuted?

some do... some don't...
they havent catched em yet so i doubt it in this case

[Blue93]

I know.. ribs heal, leg heals, ill walk again soon enough
its just the suspension... that feeling of doom you know will come down on you again... you just don't know when, you don't know how, what who where..
The only thing you know is that at some point something will happen again
And im scared... I'm scared to start feeling better again... everytime that happens... i get beaten up or r&ped again... I may get older, I mag get to live on my own, i may go to university but im still no match for 3 guys, or a gun or whatever.
In the meantime i'm scared.. waiting... Nightmares flashbacks panicattacks ...
i'm done finished empty.

I wish they would just fricking finish their job already. I'm tired. I don't want to anymore. Get it done and over with.. please...

[NuckingFutz]

How close are you to being "released" from foster care? Regardless, you can come on here and vent or heal or just share with people who care. Hang in there.

What you say is understandable. Do the authorities take seriously what keeps happening to you?

Is professional help an option? Are you able to see a psychiatrist and therapist?

[Blue93]

its not fostercare that is the problem atm.. my fosterparents are alright
if it wasnt for that im sort of under police protection things could have been much worse last friday. We were just trying to slowly get that more to the background and eventually stop it..

Good luck, Blue.

[NuckingFutz]

Hey Blue, how are you doing today?

[Blue93]

*shrugs* .......................

[billieJ]

Blue, are you in danger? If so, please PM me. billieJ Caring About You

[jennaorgana]

reading your post was painful for me. keep trying, don't give up it's worth it.

hugs from me, lots of them

Hope you are healing and having better days, Blue.

[Blue93]

actually thats what scares me... What will i do when ive finished highschool and dont need a fosterfamily anymore? Atleast now i'm not totally alone.. my fosterparents can take me places... Can you imagine living in a studenthouse but still needing bodyguards to go anywhere cause god only knows what would happen to me if i'd go anywhere on my own?
I don't have anyone i care about anymore i dont really have a future, i often wish they would just finally do what they always threatened me with, i wish they would just get over and done with it... No im not suicidal but i dont care for being alive much either.

So, what is the plan? Wallow in the muck until you get walloped again? Have you tried to focus on what you can do?

[Blue93]

i have been trying.. like going to uni and stuff.. but with recent .. incident i dont see how i could achieve an abuse free life for myself anymore

There has got to be a better solution for this. Is moving far away an option?

[Blue93]

there's no 'far away' in the netherlands. i've moved to many times to count and it never helped any

[lxegirl]

I'm sorry you've gone through all of this!!! You're really strong to have made it this far, i'm sure you can hold out longer. All u need is some encouragement Don't worry about the past, just focus on moving forward. Maybe just start over, switch schools, find a new crowd, or something like that. You never know.