[Alexandria04]

I had a feeling this was coming. I've been doing good for a little while, but then I felt like I could feel my mood starting to slip downhill. I have been feeling really anxious the last couple of days. I was just doing something and I heard this voice in my head (not audibly, just like when you think thoughts to yourself) and it said "You are a horrible person" or maybe it said "I am a horrible person" I don't know which, but it really upset me and I started crying. I thought I had gotten over most of my self-esteem issues a few years ago but now I just find myself thinking you are an ugly, fat person that is of no use to anyone. I know that's not true. I mean I know my husband loves me and cares about me, but he's not here right now. I don't know. Why am I feeling this way? What is wrong with me? I just feel horrible. No one has to reply to this, I just needed to get it out and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone I actually know. Maybe my therapist but I don't see her until Wednesday afternoon this week and I needed to get it out now. No one can really make me feel better about this anyway because (no offense meant) but none of you actually know me. So, it's not like you can say "Oh, you're not a horrible person" because for all you know I am a horrible person. Oh my goodness I sound so pathetic. Why can't I just get it together?

[Mike_J]

NO YOU ARE NOT!! Why do you feel that way, I wish I knew.

I know in my head I’m a good person, I see it in my actions, how I care about others, the lenghths that I’m willing to go to assist people.

I just can’t get that “knowledge” about me being a good person into my heart, so that I will feel like the good person I am. Like you I feel like a horrible person, if you find an answer please let me know.

[Rohag]

Hi, Alexandria04!

Originally Posted by Alexandria04

Am I a horrible person?

It's true; I don't know whether or not you're a horrible person. Committed any mass murder or genocide lately? Have you a body count at least in the hundreds? If not - just my opinion, your degree of horribleness is not of the highest order. (My point: there's "horrible," and then there's HORRIBLE!)

Originally Posted by Alexandria04

I thought I had gotten over most of my self-esteem issues a few years ago but now I just find myself thinking you are an ugly, fat person that is of no use to anyone. I know that's not true. ... Why am I feeling this way? ... Why can't I just get it together?

I have to speak as a person who has fallen and never gotten up. I still ask myself those two questions, "Why am I feeling this way?" and "Why can't I just get it together?" My meds, however, drain me of caring much about the answers to those questions.

Therefore answers have I none, but I can speculate till the cows come home.

The model of the "rational vs. emotional brain" has its appeal. Though it dwells below our consciousness most of the time, the emotional brain usually prevails in head-on battle with our rationality, possibly because it's closer to our deepest urges involving raw survival.

As a person with a mental illness, I strongly suspect - whether by nature, nurture, or pathology - my emotional brain isn't functioning right, and the chemistry of depression further enhances the dominance of that emotional brain over the rational.

Whether the above has any validity at all, I'm still left with the questions - no, with the statements, "I am feeling this way" and "I can't just get it together."

Time for drugs...

[SophiaG]

Who has been telling you that you must be strong all the time? Who has told you that you must think you are wonderful without ceasation? Who told you that you had to be perfect?

No one.

It is ok to be human.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Alexandria04

No one can really make me feel better about this anyway because (no offense meant) but none of you actually know me. So, it's not like you can say "Oh, you're not a horrible person" because for all you know I am a horrible person.

True, we don't know you that well. However: although there's only a handful of people I personally think of as horrible (you don't want to know!) and I've known none of them personally, there's no record of any of them worrying that they might be a horrible person!

But yes, we can't make you feel better (or worse, for that matter) unless you're willing to -- and then, you don't need us to make you. However, we could hang out here with you during your ups and downs.

[justfloating]

My thinking is that we tend to hold ourselves to a higher set of standards than the rest of the world. I know I do. For instance if I slack off in my work it's because I'm lazy. If anyone else I know slacks off, it's because they probably need a break. If I'm late for an event it's because I'm disorganized, unprepared and too stupid to set my alarm properly. If someone else is late, it's probably because they're having one of those days. If I take a sick day, it's because I'm weak; if someone else takes a sick day, it's probably because they're too sick to come in to work. See the pattern?

Even though we're aware of all these thoughts, getting them to go away takes a lot of work. I've hit the point where I just don't always have the energy to fend them off, so I try to let them wash over me instead. Just because you "hear" them doesn't mean you have to "listen". You're right, I don't know you personally, so you could be a horrible person (although, like Rohag said, unless you've committed any capital crimes recently then you're not that high up on my list of Truly Horrible People) but I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that a lot of what you're thinking/feeling is due to depression, which I know from experience can seriously skew our self-evaluations. In the meantime, is there anything you can do to actively contradict these thoughts? Do a favour for a friend, volunteer, spend time with your family, whatever falls within the bounds of what you expect a good person would do. It might help you ignore the depression's lies if you have tangible evidence of your "goodness".

[Alexandria04]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I know I hold myself to a higher standard but I can't help it, I guess I am just a little bit of a perfectionist. There's not much I can do right now to make myself feel like a better person. Considering it's finals week and I am totally swamped. My family live halfway across the country and my husband is deployed to Iraq currently. I usually volunteer quite a bit but haven't had time because of school. Etc.

I think a lot of it is just guilt, I feel guilty about everything I do and it is so frustrating! I consider myself a Christian, so if I get genuinely angry about something and I cuss, then I feel guilty about it. If I am slightly rude to someone or anything like that, same thing. Even lately I have been so busy with school (after Wednesday that will change) and I haven't been able to pay as much attention to my pets as I would like, and guess what? Surprise! I feel guilty about that too. Ugh, it's just beginning to get exhausting. I can never be good enough. I don't know what to do. Thanks everyone for listening and replying, it means a lot to me.

Oh btw, no capital offenses here lately that I can think of

[concern1970]

Sound's to me like you are a giving person, who give's a lot of your time for other's already. Perhaps a little of that time would be nice spent on you, a bit of TLC for you.... You sound as if you would give the world if you could, a thoughtful person with a big heart, I'm sorry for your pain, here's hoping these feelings pass as quick as they've come

[Alexandria04]

Originally Posted by justfloating

In the meantime, is there anything you can do to actively contradict these thoughts? Do a favour for a friend, volunteer, spend time with your family, whatever falls within the bounds of what you expect a good person would do. It might help you ignore the depression's lies if you have tangible evidence of your "goodness".

Thanks everyone, I am feeling a little bit better today. I did actually help a friend out yesterday. He lives in Nashville and lost almost everything (including his car) in the flash floods they have been having there. I obviously couldn't help with the clean-up etc. since I am in Texas, but I did send some money to his paypal account to help him replace some of the stuff he lost. You guys should have seen the pictures on facebook, I feel so bad for him