[LoveMist]

Hey all,

I guess I'm just having one of those days of feeling a bit down. I consider myself to have always being a helper and a giver, I do a lot of volunteering in helping and supporting others. I suppose I am waiting for a bomb to drop so this is why I am here because If things go bad like I expect them to then I will be in need of some support. I am feeling very anxious today and as each day goes by I feel the anxiety building. I have a hard time when I volunteer my time for helping others and knowing that I am doing the right thing I seem to get balled out more often do to someone else having their own bad days with MI. Being treated like a child in front of others to see is not something I am a custom to and things like this should be done in private so I have a hard time when I know I'm doing the right things but then have someone jump down my throat in front of all to see. I have spoken with my therapist and pdoc about these situations to which as they are professionals they agree with the ways that I handle things in the proper ways and that the lady that is in charge of many of us who volunteer should know that there are certain situations that should never be handled in the manners that she wants us to handle things. I always think of the people and their feelings first and they ways that handling things in certain ways may effect them in a more negative way then a positive way. I realize that it may seem as though I am talking in circles right now and I wish I could explain in more details as to what's going on but for now I feel it's best not to go too far into those details and hope that some of you may have somewhat of an idea as to where I'm coming from. I take pride in volunteering and it's something that I enjoy doing, I have come to the conclusion that these continuing balling outs and be treated as a child and an idiot as to stop at some point even if that means that I have to leave this volunteering and leaving the people that I help and know so well. I know I have to remove myself from this toxic situation at some point and I have made a promise to myself that should another occasion of this being put down takes place again which is most likely to happen again as there are other volunteers having the same problems with this same lady in charge that I will say my peace and thank them for the opportunity in helping others but that I will not let them take me down and continue to make me feel like a piece of crap. I had a one point knew that should I have to walk away that it would destroy me but then I came to the point that I have decided that I am the one in control of my directions in which I can take and I can not allow someone else take that control away from me. I hope that some of this makes sense but for right now my mind is a bit foggy from anxiety building and I am about to leave to go have a visit with my pdoc.

My best to you all

Love

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by LoveMist

...I have decided that I am the one in control of my directions in which I can take and I can not allow someone else take that control away from me.

Hear, hear! Brava, LoveMist!

[LoveMist]

Thanks Rohag,
I'm just waiting with my anxiety building with each day for that bomb to drop on me. I'm trying to give things the chance to work out but I see that things won't change or I should say they may change for the better for may a week or two but then will go back to being the same as before. I'm glad I found this forum as now I have somewhere to go to release my feelings and to hopefully be understood. When I give with my heart and time I try to give 100% but constantly being put down do to someones else's mood it becomes difficult even to be volunteering in helping others. I'm just dreading each day that goes by but I know there is always another door that can be opened but it would be hard to leave the ones I have gotten to know so well.

[LoveMist]

The past few days have been hell on my emotions, actually this past week. I can't bare it anymore and it's hurts so much that I have decided that I can't volunteer anymore where I'm at. I can't allow myself to receive the tongue lashing from those higher up just because of their own problems and they take it out on those of us who are lower. I can not allow myself to be subjected to this anymore. I have had thoughts of suicide over this past week but only brief ones and know that if I don't leave now it will only get worse but I just hate to leave those who I have gotten to know well and the attachment in helping them I feel as though I will be abandoning them. I heard a comment, even though others didn't know that I have had the thoughts of suicide that comment has stuck with me all week. The comment was that if your going to do it then why not have fun when you do. This has triggered me into "yes, this makes sense, why not" but at the same time how can you have fun when you are so down. I am preparing my letter this weekend to hand over that it's time for me to move on as they are not good for my well being and it's my life that is at stake right now. I had an appt with my therapist yesterday so she is aware of what's been going on and that I have had these thoughts of suicide but I'm not suicidal. She is not aware that I started feeling worse then I did at the appt with her as it is now the weekend but we do have another appt on Monday. I will try to hold out until then but my heart is broken and torn as I thought that I would never leave this place of volunteering and it was something that I took great pride in but now it's gone. I'm just in tears and it's hard to focus on trying to put together a letter in a professional type way without lashing back at them. I am not that kind of person to lash out and it takes a lot to get me angry, but when it comes to taking up for those who can't take up for themselves then I can get really angry and stand up for these people and support them in whatever way I can in being there but I can't seem to win or get those higher up that they are doing more damage then good for these people who need our help. I am just completely drain. I even stepped back to calm myself to give this a lot of thought but now it's infected me and I need to take care of me but it is really hurting me right now the ways they treat me. This all may not sound like a big deal to some but to me it's something dear to my heart.

Thanks for reading

[Julial]

Good for you in that you are looking out for yourself! You sound like you have a lot of understanding and caring in you for other people and that is a good thing but don't lose yourself. Sounds like you are trying to do all the right things and we are here for you. Lots of hugs to you. Keep the faith.

[LoveMist]

That seems to be my problem is that I am losing myself. My thoughts have gone down the drain. I feel like I have lost my purpose and I'm starting to feel each moment that goes by I lose a bit more of who I am. I feel angry, hurt, lost and alone. Ive been here before and it's scaring me.

[*freak*]

If people around you don't change and will never change, leaving is the best choice. There is no reason for you to stay if they're causing you this amount of stress and pain. I know you want to keep volunteering there because of the good deeds you're doing, but there are lots of ways to help others. You can look for an other similar organisation but with a more positive envirmonment.

Take care

LoveMist, No one deserves to be abused. Time to move on I think. Good luck.

[LoveMist]

Well, I turned in my letter in leaving this weekend. I saw my therapist on Friday and I was ok then but then Friday night got worse. I turned my letter in Saturday night to which they did not get to it until Sunday. I also explained that I was in a bad place but the response I got was "what a dramatic mothers day greeting" this showed me that she only cared about how she felt. I could only send the first part of my letter Saturday night as it was just too much and hard for me so I sent the second part on Sunday night which explained why I was in such a bad place which was do to the treatment that I and other volunteers had received and also gave some suggestions in trying to get them to understand that if they would treat their volunteers with more respect then they wouldn't be so short handed all the time and that the members wouldn't feel so neglected. I was in such bad shape over the weekend that I had to make a contract with a friend of mine to which I always keep my word, so this is what kept me safe. I saw my therapist again today and she reminded me of some very important things that I knew but had forgotten do to depression blinding my every thought. I feel somewhat better but still feel a loss and my heart feels shattered to think that this woman doesn't even care enough for the volunteers to try and keep them around so that the members won't suffer. I am feeling better but at the same time feel numb and full of anxiety. The emotional abuse was uncalled for and harmful as there are others who still suffer at the hands of this woman. I really wish I could have stayed doing what I loved but your right there are other places for me to volunteer and offer my services to. I think I can still go back and visit but won't be sure or even what effects it may have on my emotional state if I go back to visit. I really do appreciate the support that you have all given me. I think that nobody should be treated with so much emotional abuse and I could never treat someone like that.

[*freak*]

You did the right thing
It's true, you don't deserve to be treated like that by anyone and you're right also when you say there's plenty of other places where your work will be much more valued and appreciated.

Take good care of yourself

You are a VIP, LoveMist. There are other places to volunteer. Take care of yourself.

[LoveMist]

Originally Posted by *freak*

You did the right thing
It's true, you don't deserve to be treated like that by anyone and you're right also when you say there's plenty of other places where your work will be much more valued and appreciated.

Take good care of yourself

Thank you so much freak, you made me feel good. I just read another post on here that brought tears to my eyes because this member seems to have been treated in a similar way as I only a little different circumstances and I could so relate to his posting. I would have loved to replied to his post but I guess I am a bit paranoid at this time. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your kind words.

[LoveMist]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

You are a VIP, LoveMist. There are other places to volunteer. Take care of yourself.

Thank you TheByzantine, I really like what I am seeing here on this site and will make it point to do some replies as soon as I can settle myself down a bit and accept my circumstances.

[Rohag]

Hi, LoveMist!

Originally Posted by LoveMist

...will make it point to do some replies as soon as I can settle myself down a bit and accept my circumstances.

Take all the time you need. We're glad you're here and value you for yourself, not for the number of your posts or replies.